Today, I saw this blurb in a magazine and it kind of struck a chord with me.

quote:

If you avoid certain situations because you're worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced those situation. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped. Holly Hazlet-Stevens, PhD

While avoiding does provide some relief, it's only temporary. This avoidance can erode one's self confidence over time. Pushing oneself to face these situations can be scary, overwhelming and anxiety provoking.

Name specific situation or type of situations in which you try to avoid. How do you cope when you avoid this situation? Do you use food to soothe or some other mechanism? Going forward, briefly describe a plan on how to push yourself to move past the obstacle and claim your strength in being able to handle it.

Or describe a situation in the past which you avoided, but at some point faced. How did you face it and did you employ any skills to help you through the situation or cope in a positive way?


For me, I used to avoid most everything and everyone...anything that might have the remotest chance for conflict where I was the person who was disagreeing or didn't like what was going on.

My primary coping mechanism has been food. Even tonight, I have already binged on some cookies and cheeto puffs. I still want to eat more so bad...but I'm trying not too. Why, because today in therapy we talked about some things and my therapist like she has told me before that I have to feel it. I can't just sit there and report it like a news person on the 6 o'clock news. It's the only way to heal. It's just so frustrating. Going forward...the plan is to think about it, but to be in a safe place and try to feel the emotions.

In addition, I also engage in physical avoidance, by staying home, cancelling plans, etc... Doing anything that will essentially isolate me from the world.

With other situations, like interaction with coworkers. I try to visualize the conversation and kind of play act what I am going to say. It has helped me to face the situation and make me feel stronger instead of so weak. I also feel relief in a more permanent way. For spontaneous situations, I still have major problems and I would prefer to avoid. I think if I practice on the other first...then the spontaneous will come.



Serene

[quote]Name specific situation or type of situations in which you try to avoid.
I will avoid confrontation at any costs. I hate arguing with people and then having to make sure that everyone is okay.
How do you cope when you avoid this situation?
I will not go to events where I know I will run into people who only want to fight and argue. I will stand up for myself, but I am not going to get into a knock down drag out fight with them.
Do you use food to soothe or some other mechanism? Not at all, loosing control of food is not worth it.
]
Going forward, briefly describe a plan on how to push yourself to move past the obstacle and claim your strength in being able to handle it.
Because I am involved in so many community events, it's inevitable that confrontation is going to take place, I remember that my mother taught me to be a lady always....and ladies don't get in the mud and roll around, so I will listen, say that's your opinion and walk away, if I realize that all they want to do is fight. I will also walk away when the argue becomes personal. Nothing is worth that humiliation to me.

quote:

I can remember one time I was so afraid to tell my boss that I found another job that it was less than a week before I was leaving and I ended up calling her and crying while giving my notice because I was so afraid of what her response would be.

Jill, I know just how you feel. I think I am avoiding finding a new job partly because of how agonizing the quitting ends up being! The last time I was giving my notice, one of my bosses had a gravely ill parent, and I actually quit sooner than I'd planned because I was afraid her parent would die and I would be unable to resign during her mourning.
What is comforting is that ususally I'm wrong about how these scary things end up going. Almost never have my awfulized expectations been right on the money.

I have avoided admitting to myself that I really was not healthy, and I needed to lose weight. I would rationalize why it was ok to be this way. I've admitted it now, and as hard as it is, I know that my awareness has brought eating healthy to the forefront of my thinking and has helped me set up goals toward becoming healthier.

Other avoidances-same as the rest of you-confrontation, phone calls, saying no. I've gotten better over the years with this but am in a situation right now where I said yes to something because I was put on the spot and now have to tell this person, I'm sorry, but no I won't be able to.

I think just getting it done is the best way for me to get through the anxiety that is created by avoidance. It is so much more stressful for me to avoid someone/something rather than meet the challenge head on and deal with it right away. I can remember one time I was so afraid to tell my boss that I found another job that it was less than a week before I was leaving and I ended up calling her and crying while giving my notice because I was so afraid of what her response would be. So I spent weeks agonizing over giving my notice when I could have just gotten it over with right away and felt the relief of having dealt with the situation instead of letting it go.
Jill

I think the only thing I have really tried to avoid in my life are finances. I avoided conversations with DH about finances, just anything having to do with finances and money made me very uncomfortable.

I still procrastinate dealing with those things. (Like I have money that needs to be moved from one account to another.) But I don't avoid the topic anymore, and I actually go on line and read things about finance now.

In pretty much every other area of my life, I have always been somewhat of a risk taker.

Dawn

Shoot. So far I agree with every one of you - that can't be good

I, too, avoid phone calls I think might be uncomfortable (like Dana) and commitments that I feel pressured into (like Brie). Just now, coincidentally I just got of the phone with a friend who had tried to make me go on a retreat she has already paid for, which I have no desire to attend. When I told her no 2 weeks ago, I felt terribly guilty for letting her down. But that day, I was sure I was making the right choice for me, and patted myself on the back for being able to stand up for myself, despite the pressure she was putting on me. I know my own edges so much better now than I did 10 years ago, and I also know when to take risks. Better put, I recognise the right risks for me better than ever - and I expect I'll know even more in the future. The best part of getting older is the wisdom

Lynne

I think that my problem is that I don't avoid situations. I have always been very confrontational and so, if I think there could be one, I might get anxious, but I press on.

I know that I should defiately avoid certain food situations, like eating out and hanging out after the kids get home from school outside with the neighbors. That is snacking hell!!

The object that pops into my mind is the phone, but it of course represents contact WITH THE WORLD! Often, I don't answer, even when i can see that is someone I love and care about.
I often feel I must give a lot socially, must perform for the conversation, must be entertaining or lovable. I don't know how to say I'm busy or just talk for 3 minutes. So my all-or-nothing thinking makes me avoid the phone and wait for a GOOD TIME TO CALL BACK/TALK, which of course comes not that frequently and i get out of touch.
I procrastinate with the phone.
Is that weird?

Anyway, I have talked myslef into answering and saying so if I'm busy, or things are too chaotic if they are. I've pretended to be my husband in my mind (who does not have this anxiety) and said, it's okay, Dana, just say hi and share with the caller whoever you are at this moment. That's all they want.

Dana

When I read the first paragraph, the first thing that popped into mind of things I avoid are food related! I avoid buffets like the plaque. Just too much temptation. I've tried all the tricks - standing away from the food, the three healthy bites for one bad bite, keeping water in my hands, etc... I've gotten through a couple of buffets OK but they are just too stressful for me.

In my non-food related life, I used to avoid confrontation like the plaque even to my own deteriment. I'm much better now at standing up for myself and not being bullied into doing something I don't want to do. My time and energy are too valuable, not just to me but to my family and they come first. I keep that in the front of my mind at all times when I'm making decisions.

One thing I avoid that I am working on getting out of is after church when everyone is around talking. All the people freak me out a bit. I usually run down to my Sunday School room to prepare for next week's lesson. But during Bible study some newer women said they don't always feel welcomed on Sundays. That made me so sad, so for the past three weeks I have been looking for new people to talk to and welcome. It's hard, but each week it's a little bit better.