I've been an eating machine, especially with sweets and I'm struggling with my summer challenge goals. Somewhere along the line I gave myself permission to just blow them off. I’m trying to figure out why I am letting myself off the hook when I know that I will be better off sticking to those goals.

How do you justify setting goals and then blowing them off? How do you get back to those goals when you know they are right for you?

(Clearly I'm looking for some inspiration here so thanks in advance for doing this assignment ; )

OK… this is a good example of organization challenge we face in our family.

This is a pile of Nelson (and Jamie’s) wires, and cables, and computer stuff. It ended up piled here because we really don’t have a place where it belongs.



So Saturday, I spent about 4 hours cleaning this room and Nelson sorted out all of the cables and stuff and put it in a cupboard in another room.



I get up on Monday morning, and there is a cable neatly rolled up on the floor where the pile of crap used to be. This is a cable Jamie uses to hook his Xbox up to the internet at night so it will run faster. And bless his heart, he was done with the cable and rolled up, nice and neat… and in his mind… he put it “away” because that is pretty much where the wire has been for 1-2 years or so (I know that wire was WAY SCARY when I was on crutches and I banned it from being used when I up and awake. That was 2+ years ago.)



When I first saw the cable, I was a mixture of confused and mad… like I JUST spent 4 hours eliminating this AWFUL mess… and the pile was starting again. And this kind of thing used to happen ALL the time when I was a kid. And my first reaction is to do like my mom and scream and yell that she has spent X hours cleaning and get in here and get this wire out of here!

But then I realize that we don’t have a place that when you are done with the cable… it goes HERE. So I go get Jamie… and we talk about this. HIS first reaction is to put the cable in a totally different room (where Nelson stored all of the other cables). But then I pointed out that the cable is ALWAYS hooked up in the computer room… and it should probably live in this cabinet (in the photo… which ironically enough is mostly EMPTY!). So that is where it is.

But Born Organized people don’t have this problem… they buy a cable and immediately designate a spot for it. And nobody in my house naturally has this skill so you get 3 of us moving stuff around the house and putting it is stupid places because we don’t have a permanent place for it…

But this is a skill we can learn.

I think maybe a food analogy might be… learning to use measuring spoons/cups instead of eyeballing oil or dressing or cereal.

This isn’t a thinking problem, exactly. This is more of a logistics problem… like maybe, “I have 30 mins to cook dinner. I need 2 cookbooks with meal that take 20 mins to prepare.” This isn’t a problem like resentment or “it isn’t fair”… it is a detail problem that is solvable if we keep on top of it.

Also, it was clear to me that Jamie was very willing to put the cable away when he was done with it… he just didn’t know where it went… and it really didn’t occur to him that it SHOULD go someplace.

Very interesting this fairness question...

Food thing - totally NOT fair that my 6'
4, 180 lb husband can eat like a hog, never exercise (he stopped three months ago) and lose weight.

House cleaning - fair??? Never even crossed my mind.... Are our household chores equally divided? No way but I don't ever think about that. The only time I get a bit huffy is if he doesn't mow or take out the trash (when he's home). I have a very hard time mowing our lawn at the new house because of the hills and all the ruts from it being a new lawn and even with gloves, I end up with open blisters all over my hands. I still have two that I'm still nursing from 10 days ago. So, that chore I do get on him about.

OH my gosh, Denise, that so rings true with me and housework too. Just last weekend DH said "The rugs really need to be vaccuumed." I said "Then vaccuum them! I have already cleaned the kitchen and mopped 3 rooms."

He feels he does his fair share of the house work too though, and we both get into the "it isn't fair". He does do most of the laundry and he does most of the yard work. I feel like he doesn't count my taking care of most of Alek's things and doing ALL of the grocery and household shopping into the "housework" mix though.

So we both end up going "I did my share and now I'm done.", even though not everything is done.

Dawn

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
Another thought I had was that honestly, when I do stress eat, I never real enjoy what I'm eating.

Me neither. I feel guilt and bad about stress eating… don’t enjoy it at all. I think that helped me stop. It didn't really "work" for me. Didn't enjoy the food. Didn't enjoy gaining weight. Didn't enjoy juggling the calories and making up for unplanned eating.

quote:

PS Making beds does become easier although my dh usually does ours. We have the "last one out of the bed makes it" rule and he actually does a fairly reasonable job

This Beck Book has a list of 8 ways that heavy people think differently from thin people. One of them is "You Focus on Issues of Unfairness".

When it comes to eating... I don't think about "fair" very often. I don't feel like I have to eat way less then everybody else. I don't feel like "it isn't fair" that I can't eat as much as I want. I am extremely "average" and can eat pretty much the calories that the USDA says that I should be able to maintain on... and in a culture where food is EVERY where and virtually EVERY restaurant meal is 1/2 to 2 days worth of calories, I have to watch it. I don’t think about that it is not fair that some people can eat all they want… but I can’t.

But when it comes to housework... I really get into "It isn't fair" and resentful mode. We had an agreement about the last one out of bed makes it, too... except dh is ALWAYS the last one out of bed... but almost never makes the bed. Or will make it one day, and then stop.

So then I get into, "It isn't my job" or "It isn't fair... we had an agreement". OR... do I remind him?... and then feel resentful about THAT?

I thought about that when I read the book… the organized people don’t think that it is unfair that they got up first and also have to make the bed… the bed needs to be made and *somebody* needs to make it… and it might be me… ok.

My grandparents had two beds and I NEVER heard my grandmother complain that she slept in one bed, but had to make two. But then I start thinking, “I don’t want to be some un-appreciated housewife!” and get resentful about THAT. OY! Not good. Time for a change in thinking.

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
Another thought I had was that honestly, when I do stress eat, I never real enjoy what I'm eating.

Wow, I wish I could say that. Not true of me. I am as much as if not more likely to roll my eyes in pleasure when stress eating. I have actually had situations (one recently) where a pack of 6 Oreos was like taking a couple of Valium. It's sad that is the case, but that is the effect chocolate has on me when I'm stressed.

OMG- great thread. I am sorry I missed it today. I was teaching cooking at dd's school.

I am so getting the book-- have intened to for while, but am now convinced that it will help me clear up some muddy areas in my thinking.

I just changed my second challenge goal as the measuring dressing is back to being a habit/no brainer. I really want to work on this stress eating thing.

Another thought I had was that honestly, when I do stress eat, I never real enjoy what I'm eating. It would be way better/satisfying to actually savor and enjoy those high calorie foods when I just want them and not when I think I "need" them. Extra motivation to finally sort through this once and for all.

I kind of like too that this Beck plan seems to really focus on making this completely non-negotiable. There are so many things in life that are non-negotiable that this should be one of them too.

Lots of work for me to do here but I'm feeling up to the challenge!

PS Making beds does become easier although my dh usually does ours. We have the "last one out of the bed makes it" rule and he actually does a fairly reasonable job even getting the shams and throw pillows on properly ; )

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
Hopefully if I do that more often it will become easier???

Yay!!!! It has gotten easier for me!

That is EXACTLY the strategy I use before going into work. I have a healthy snack... and then I go into the lunch room to make copies... I used to tell myself that "I just ate and I'm not hungry". Then after a few months it became a no brainer.

Will making my bed be easier someday?

quote:

Originally posted by GoingSkiing:
I sometimes used stress eating as an excuse to eat “bad” foods. Somehow, it wasn’t acceptable to say, “I’m going to eat a small m&m McFlurry on Friday night. It has 600something calories and a whole days worth of saturated fat… but I’m having one on Friday night anyway.” But it WAS acceptable, somehow, to decide I had a terrible, stressful day and I needed/deserved a McFlurry.

BING, BING, BING!!!! HUGE LIGHT BULB MOMENT HERE.

I just read and re-read that paragraph and boy is that sounding right on the money.

I don't necessarily like that this is reverberating so strongly with me but it is.

More thought is needed here for me to process through this but I think this was another "aha moment".

Thank you Denise!!!!

PS Sorry to all for using hijacking homework today to sort this out for myself. Hopefully the process will be useful for others too.

I know the feeling well. It appears to me that when I set that goal, it's automatically giving me permission to break it. Somehow they mean NOTHING to me. They are a barrier to my success. I do much better having a plan set in front of me, and then do what I would normally do without calling additional attention to it. It's probably the little girl in me saying "NO" very loudly, but that's what happens with me. So even though I joined the challenge, and I know they are written below each post I write, I try not to obsess with them, cause I know I will do anything not to watch them or keep them. After all it's only a guide, not a bible.

quote:

Originally posted by TriGirl:
A lot of the Beck book is about "no choice." You decide ahead of time how you're going to handle situations and don't give yourself the choice to do things differently. You just do it. Sort of like brushing your teeth -- you don't negotiate with yourself whether to do it or not.

I read a little exerpt from the book on Amazon and couple of other reviews. There was a thing about flexing the muscle that makes the right choices and visualizing doing the right thing.

So, I knew this afternoon at 3 pm we were going to go over to our neighbor's bake sale/lemon aide stand. Their kids do it every year to raise money for the nearby children's hospital. I planned ahead, visualized how it was going to go and it went well.

I ate a very healthy and nutritious snack 1/2 hour before going so I wouldn't be too hungry, gave them my cash donation immediately and then stepped away from the food. I ended up talking to the mom for 40 minutes outside the stand and although everything looked beautiful, I kept reminding myself that I wasn't hungry and that I had just eaten.

Hopefully if I do that more often it will become easier???

Tonight we're going to a baseball game. Here's the plan - subway veggie sub, popcorn (split 3 ways), water. No deviations. Focus on enjoying the beautiful weather, the game and my family.

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
I want ice cream and chips when my stress gets high.

When dh and I went for marriage counseling in 2004... I ate ice cream after the first couple of sessions. He was REALLY depressed to the point of not being 100% rational… and living with him was stressful and the counseling sessions were stressful and 3 days after the session was stressful and 2 days before the sessions were stressful… and we had a few emergency sessions when he messed up his meds and was especially bonkers and that was especially stressful.

But at a certain point, I just had to decide… “If I eat ice cream. I’m going to gain weight. Gaining isn’t an option, therefore ice cream isn’t an option.” And it was HARD, HARD, HARD! But I was NOT going to eat ice cream 4 times a week. Plus, I’ve NEVER EVER solved ANY problem with stress eating… although I’ve CREATED some MAJOR problems with myself with stress eating.

It just wasn’t an option. And I had to find some other way to cope with the stress. And it was HARD and took some serious white knuckling. I didn’t care that much if I lost weight at that point… but I was NOT going to gain any. And I was NOT going to put away a pint of ice cream every time I felt like it.

3+ years later…

I’m pretty much about stress eating like you are about the dirty spoon in the sink… I just don’t do it.

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
I'm trying to think of what steps I would need to take to start eating like a thin person. What does that look like?

I think that there are “tips” or “tricks” that “naturally thin” or “born organized” people have that “challenged” people don’t have.

For example… the time I was cooking with a drawer open and then spilled like 3 gallons of pea soup in the drawer and just had this AWFUL, AWFUL mess to clean up. Somebody who is Born Organized… they just wouldn’t even occur to them not to close the drawer… and accidents happen… but cleaning soup off the floor is WAY easier than out of the silverware drawer. Not cooking with a drawer open might be a unconscious tip that somebody who is naturally organized might have.

But most organizing just comes down to the “Not Negotiable” thing… like spoons don’t stay in the sink… not negotiable. Not an option.

I’m sure this is true for “naturally thin” people, too. They probably have “tricks”… like eating breakfast and not skipping meals. But most of it is the “not an option” thing. Yeah, there are cookies in the break room… but I’m not going to eat them.

Also, this might be true for you… I know that it was true for me. When I was unrealistically rigid about my eating/weight… I sometimes used stress eating as an excuse to eat “bad” foods. Somehow, it wasn’t acceptable to say, “I’m going to eat a small m&m McFlurry on Friday night. It has 600something calories and a whole days worth of saturated fat… but I’m having one on Friday night anyway.” But it WAS acceptable, somehow, to decide I had a terrible, stressful day and I needed/deserved a McFlurry.

I think that at some point making peace with what is realistic really helped. I’ve made peace with how much I’m realistically able/willing to exercise. I’ve made peace with how clean I’m realistically willing/able to eat. I’ve made peace that I’m not, realistically, going to weigh 120. I’ve made peace with the fact that I AM realistically going to eat krap.

Eating at McDonald’s is not exactly PC… And part of me wishes I didn’t… but realistically… I do. So I might as well face it head on… rather than using McFlurries to cope with stress so that I have an excuse to eat them.

I thought about that when you posted a while back about stress eating candy before a flight… I wondered if somehow that is a way that you “allow” or give yourself permission to eat candy?… rather than just deciding… “Yeah. I like candy. I’m going to eat candy. That is the way it is.”

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:

I sometimes read the flylady related posts and honestly I just don't understand.

ok i hate you now...

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
I'm trying to think of what steps I would need to take to start eating like a thin person. What does that look like? Is this one of those just behave your way to success things? Just start doing what it's supposed to look like and it will happen even if it never "feels" natural?

A lot of the Beck book is about "no choice." You decide ahead of time how you're going to handle situations and don't give yourself the choice to do things differently. You just do it. Sort of like brushing your teeth -- you don't negotiate with yourself whether to do it or not.

I did sort of put this book away but need to pull it back out again. I also think I should apply some of the "no choice" stuff to my dissertation. As in, "Oh well, I don't really WANT to sit down and do my data analysis, but that's what I'm going to do anyway."

Denise - Lots of good food for thought in your post.

I've been mulling over how I can apply the no brainer stuff for me to the food stuff but I'm not entirely sure how to make that leap.

Kitchen sink/house clean stuff is just an absolute no brainer for me. I sometimes read the flylady related posts and honestly I just don't understand. I couldn't physically walk out of my kitchen if there was even one dirty spoon in the sink without cleaning it and putting it away. I feel so much more centered and balanced when the house is neat and everything is in its place. It's my OCD tendencies ; )

I also am that way with exercise. I feel way more stressed if I skip a day so I look forward to my runs and workouts without thinking twice about it.

Food is just so different for me. I bet it will be good for me to read that book that you posted about. I definitely do not eat like a thin person. I equate eating with feeling less stress and more balanced (and I'm not talking about eating fruits and veggies).

Somehow I need to make that shift as intellectually I know that I do feel better in all ways when I'm nurishing my body properly but psychologically, I want ice cream and chips when my stress gets high. A different part of my brain takes over when the stress gets overwhelming.

And yes, you guys are all correct in that I'm still dealing with and processing the after effects of my illness. I'm still trying to come to grips with the uncertainity of the whole thing and there are so many constant reminders about it. Doctor visits, phone calls, bills, medication and my palms started peeling for a second time. Now I'm just waiting for my hair to start falling out (which has happened with all the other major episodes).

I'm trying to think of what steps I would need to take to start eating like a thin person. What does that look like? Is this one of those just behave your way to success things? Just start doing what it's supposed to look like and it will happen even if it never "feels" natural?

I too have problems w/ 'no' goals. I did that for the first week for the challenge but quickly changed and rephrased. I also have to think...if I am not doing my goals...why? are the goals wrong? am I distracted? what's going on..... for the past 2 weeks i've been pretty sick in one way or another. First I had the flu...and I hadn't gone grocery shopping which led to pizza and then to my anapalyxis reaction...and more sickness. so i have come to realize that food effects me..even more than the average person. I HAVE to plan...even if I spend too many dollars on red peppers that go rotten- i NEED to have that stuff in the house because my life does not allow me just to run out and grab those things on a whim. (going to store w/ DS is a bad adventure...even for 1 item.) I get back on track by planning. I can eat lots of high fat food on the allergyn free diet which makes it IMPERATIVE to plan so that I have healthy allergyn free stuff around. (for example...lays chips are allergyn free and I love them...)

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
Part of the problem is that I've been holding pretty steady with my weight, just slightly over my usual maintenance range. My clothes feel just fine and most days I feel OK with how I look. There's a part of me that says "well, if you can eat like this and stay this weight, then why not".

I have pretty much this same experience the first week of summer vacation. I eat like a garbage disposal for about 5-6 days and my weight doesn't change that much. But ultimately, I hit a "Red-Line-Whoa-Crap!" scale number that is a blast of reality.

Q. How do you justify setting goals and then blowing them off?
It sort of depends if the goal is realistic or not. Or if it “matters” or not. Like I set a goal to log my food on Fitday every day… and I haven’t but it doesn’t really “matter”. I’m fine with my weight. I’m fine with the quality of food that I’ve been eating. It just isn’t a goal that I “need” right now.

Q. How do you get back to those goals when you know they are right for you?
If the goal is “right” for me? I feel better doing it vs. not doing it. Gaining weight (or eating crap on a regular basis… which eventually ALWAYS results in a gain) makes me feel bad. Not gaining weight and eating mostly healthy make me feel happy.

The house looking like a bomb went off… makes me feel upset. The house being clean enough… makes me feel happy.

I’m really trying to consciously choose a path that makes me feel happy. There is something very wrong about getting on a path that makes me unhappy… and staying there.

Of course it is easier to look at other people and see THEIR problem areas that make them unhappy. (Why does she stay with that jerk? Why does she stay in that job? Why is she eating that if she wants to lose 5 lbs?) It is harder to look at my own self and figure out, “If I say that I want the house clean… I need to empty the dishwasher ever day… like duh!!!!!”

Also, Brie… For me, it helps if I take an area of life that I’m good at or is pretty easy for me… and apply it to an area that I struggle with. For me, food is pretty easy. If there are St. Pat’s cookies in the teacher’s lounge in March… I don’t eat them. I don’t have a conversation of “Well, I really shouldn’t… but I really want one”. I don’t think, “It is only once a year that cookies come in the shape of four leaf clovers with green frosting.” I don’t go back and forth and do some kind of internal negotiation and think, “Well… maybe just one” or “I’ll have a cookie now and just salad and eat extra healthy for dinner” or any of the other negotiation. I just don’t eat the cookie. It isn’t a big deal for me (any more… it used to be though…).

But confront me with dishes… and I’m, “I’ll do them in an hour.” “I can do them later.” “They can wait until morning…” “Ugh. It is such a disgusting job... I can‘t handle it right now.” “I’m too tired to do them now.” “After I read this chapter of this book…”

Sometimes it helps me to apply the thought process I’m good at to the thing I struggle with… and to just decide, “Screw it. I’m GOING to end up doing these stupid dishes. No one else is going to do them for me. I might as well set a timer and do them for 15 mins… and be done with it.” rather than the endless negotiations and excuses. I don’t negotiate for cookies… and I just apply that to dishes. It isn’t negotiable.

I know that you are good with dishes… maybe it would help to apply the thought process you use for dishes to cookies?

I was thinking the same thing as Sheri, that sweets might seem comforting and that you might be still feeling edgy after your health scare.

I have had some trouble sticking with my goals too -- for me it's a case of conflicting desires. I want X right now, even though I know that to meet my long-range goals I need Y instead. I don't have a good answer, though, because I've been bouncing back between X and Y myself.

I think that maybe the key is to think the "good, better, best" stuff. We can't be perfect all the time, but we can strive for good choices or better or best ones.

KD has a new weight-loss diary on the home page and it sounds like she's having the same struggles as us. Also, I am envious -- I want her sister Carol's "dorky" bike.