this being the first christmas dd and i doing it alone, i want to plan some activites that may turn into annual rituals. being 14 years old, you know how female teens can be about doing things...whiney, sultry, etc.

do you guys have any ideas she and i could do together? i was thinking of something charitable but it turns her off. baking cookies together? not exactly good for the waistline but we could wrap them up and distribute to the homeless walking downtown. any ideas?

sometimes, i feel i must be so out of touch with teens because my suggestions are met with a rolling of the eyes. oy vey! what's an involved parent supposed to do?

thanks y'all.
we are supposed to do holiday baking next weekend so she can make chocolate pretzels and peppermint bark for her friends. perhaps we can bond. i don't know anymore. ho hum. the whole thing has made me lower my expectations. if we can end any day--without her being nasty to me, without one slammed door....then i consider it a huge success. High five!

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i have been checking out cooking classes (dang! so expensive and we missed most of the holiday classes already)… sometimes, i feel i must be so out of touch with teens because my suggestions are met with a rolling of the eyes.

I make my kid cook with me almost every Monday and I am met with MAJOR rolling eyes. He would be horrified to be seen at a cooking class with me… But I CAN force him to cook with me once a week.

We have developed “rituals” of sorts… I always say something like, “Are your hands clean??? OMG! Your hands are filthy. Go wash your hands… WITH SOAP… for 30 full seconds. And your arms, too.”. He then wipes his hands on his pants and says, “That is good enough”. Or he’ll say, “Being exposed to germs is good for the immune system” or some other reason why he shouldn’t wash his hands and start to reach for some food. And when I’m exasperated, “JAMIE NO!!! Don’t you touch anything and go wash your hands and HELP ME!!”. He laughs and washes up. We go thru the SAME exact routine every week. It is a “ritual” we have.

Is he “happy” to be there? Not exactly. Does he ever say, “I love you mommy. Do you need help cooking today?” No. But once he is in there… he is ok. Mostly. And he will usually say, “OK… I’m done. Can I go do Xbox now?” Or he will just disappear and I’ll find him doing Xbox and I have to drag him back to the kitchen. But I know that we are creating memories. That are mostly happy. I think. *I* have happy memories of him helping me. So who cares what his memories are… . But I suppose if I have happy memories, his may be similar. Well, that is my hope.

DS (at age 13) searing some chicken (from KD’s recipe).

I agree, it's not just girls, it's boys too, whiney, grabby and horribly available to give their opinions on everything. I have raised two teens to the twenties and it's not an easy job. But I was told that the teen years are the time for parents (especially) mothers to see that sending them off to college or having them move out is a "good" thing.

I have boys, so I am no good at what girls like to do...but the ones here, like the one on one time with mom. Even lunch or dinner at a special restaurant, getting dressed up, and going out was fun for my son's girl friend and her mother. It was girl's night out, and NO one, got in the way.

Good luck, they become older and leave way too soon now.

thanks guys! you lightened my disposition with a chuckle !
i have been checking out cooking classes (dang! so expensive and we missed most of the holiday classes already)but i was able to browse some recreational calendars and i know there are some poetry slams and talent shows for teens in the spring and summer, so i just need to keep my calendar reminders active.

thanks for the boost guys! this parenting thing is so tough, like driving blindfolded sometimes.or trying to find a destination with no map, no compass, and no credit card! ahh!

The teens in our neighborhood went caroling last night at local nursing homes and some of the moms were the drivers.

I don't know if she's too old but my dd loves going to holiday concerts, plays, etc... Our local theater puts on a great show that's very inexpensive and is even great for adults. The local conservatories in our area also do free holiday concerts.

I also applaud you for trying to find some new traditions for the two of you. I know it's been a rough year.

First, give yourself some credit for caring and wanting to do well! Soooo many parents just don't care. I work with a lot of them. They don't cook. They don't go to their kids' sporting/music/art events. They don't ask about homework. They seem terribly inconvenienced by this thing called "parenting."

Now answer this: Shen you were 14, what did you want to do with YOUR mom?

My answer: Nothing

I don't mean that in a mean, hateful way. My mom and I, had we been peers, would not have run in the same social groups. We don't have a lot of common interests. We get along now that I'm not a petulant, whiny teenager.

Some thoughts I had, without actually being a parent:

Ask. (I know you probably already have, but figured I'd throw it in there.)

Let her throw a low-key holiday party. However she wants, within reason, and with parental okays.

See a movie.

Are there friends, teachers, or friends' parents she likes? You can find lots of card creating software and websites--make personalized cards for the people she thinks are important. Take her with you to Office Depot to pick out the cardstock. (I say "software and websites" because I'm craft-impaired. I'm sure there are also things to make cards that don't require a computer. Stamps or stencils or something?) Alternatively..."I picked up these things so you can make cards for your teachers." Make cards for your friends at the same time.

Take an angel from a Salvation Army angel tree and buy the presents together. That involves shopping, a sport most teenage girls excel at.

Go to the mall (please, I beg you, for the sake of those of us who've worked Christmas Eve in retail...NOT ON CHRISTMAS EVE) and let her get a makeover. Agree to spend $XX on products when it's done for her present.

Go through your clothes and her clothes and make a pile for donating.

And...you can find what your heart wants to do, and do it. If you want to spend Christmas Eve in meditation and prayer, do it. Invite her. Maybe she won't join you, but you made the offer. If you want to volunteer, do it. Invite her. Set an example that you're proud of.

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Originally posted by isabel:
being 14 years old, you know how female teens can be about doing things...whiney, sultry, etc.

...oy vey! what's an involved parent supposed to do?

Not just females... boys can be the same.

I really didn't want to spend quality time with my mom when I was 14 or 15... and it is payback time now.

ds and I do have some very good conversations in the car. And we consider ourselves lucky if we can get all of us to dinner together.

Don't have too many suggestions for you... but our best quality time is in the car. I'm glad that we can't afford insurance for him to learn to drive right now... and I still have to schlep him around.

Schedule stuff for her to do... then drive her places?