I've written a few posts over the past few years here about how the Procrastination Monster creates chaos and unhappiness in my life. Well, it's happened again.

Earlier this morning, I got a call from a work colleague saying that a long-time colleague of mine had finally succumbed to cancer and died early this morning. This would have been a blow all by itself.

What magnified the pain of this news was that I had been procrastinating about sending Cato a card. I had just 2 days ago asked his coworker for his latest address (he had been moved around to several hospitals) so I could send him a card. He died this morning before I could write and send the card and now I am feeling 10 times more tortured by his death than I would have otherwise because of my guilt.

I NEVER cry at work and I have already been crying 2 or 3 times as other coworkers come by or send emails to commisserate about his death. I think this is going to be a LONG day.

If you're procrastinating about something, please do it now.

Sherri,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.


sending *hugs*


Serene

Sherri, I am so sorry, please don't beat yourself up to much...I am sure that this co worker knew of your caring for him. You are that kind of person.

Now a note for the rest of us, my grandmother used to tell us, that if we thought of doing something nice, don't hesitate about whether it was right, proper, or okay, DO IT and do it now.
That thought was given to you by an angel for a purpose, not to be sat on and thought about, but to have something done about it. Kindness stays to short a time, and regret too long a time

Sheri,
So sorry to hear of your loss. Glad to hear a good night's sleep helped and sounds like you had a great workout this morning. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

Peg

Hugs, Sheri.

I wonder too, about our concepts of our own mortality as we age. I've had a theory for years about time. As we age, time seems to accelerate. Remember driving out to Grandma's house when we were kids use to take FOREVER. Now, that same half hour is a blink of the eye.

We're aware of what we have NOT accomplished, our dwindling (due to deaths, distance, etc.) spheres of friends. It hits us in strange ways at times. Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. They're honest feelings.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend, Sheri.

Oh! And just exactly how any queens of procrastination can there be?

Empress Linda

quote:

Originally posted by mountaingirl:
I really hope for you that this new day is bringing a fresh sense of renewal for you - after the day you had yesterday, a good night's sleep must have been a godsend!

I slept for just under 9 hours, which is unusual, especially in a week where, for once, I didn't go into the weekend with sleep deprivation. I must have really been out, because I went to bed at 11 p.m. and didn't wake up to go to the bathroom until like 4 a.m., which is unheard of for me.

quote:

And having deep feelings is scary and out of control, but that doesn't mean that it is bad to have them.

You hit the nail on the head there, kiddo! Feeling "out of control" is especially scary when you're a control freak like me.

quote:

I think you managed yesterday really well, and you got yourself what you needed, which a lot of people just can't do because they can't get over what everyone will think, etc.

Thank you for saying that. I had that same conversation with two other people last night. I felt guilty for my reaction and for going home because one of my staff members, while she didn't work with Cato as many years as I did, was probably closer to him than I. I went over it in my head and, in the end, I chose to do what was best for me because I was not doing anyone any good at work anyway and I felt miserable...I couldn't focus and it was freaking people out seeing me emotional because I am usually the strong, in control type.

Thanks for your incredible insights about my reaction to Cato's death and reframing how I feel about it. Great points, all.

I really hope for you that this new day is bringing a fresh sense of renewal for you - after the day you had yesterday, a good night's sleep must have been a godsend!
I was thinking of what you said:

quote:

So when I started having this overwhelming grief this morning that just wouldn't abate, I think it is because Cato's death subconsciouly triggered a memory of that earlier experience and I started freaking out because what if this, too, is a harbinger of something to come?

I think that I know what you mean about knowing things that you don't know how you know. It sounds like your body had reactions to your friends death that your mind didn't even understand. But instead of dreading it all, and wondering what bad thing could be about to happen, you could look at it in a different way. You are even more perceptive and aware than most people and this is a really really great quality, Sheri. It makes you more kind and loving because you don't miss the little things. And having deep feelings is scary and out of control, but that doesn't mean that it is bad to have them. I think you managed yesterday really well, and you got yourself what you needed, which a lot of people just can't do because they can't get over what everyone will think, etc. It's great that you got to go home.
One more thing: you WERE thinking kindly of Cato when you intended to send that card and no true kindness is ever wasted. And, depending on what really happens when we pass on, he probably knows you cared at this point. I believe that.

hugs,
Lynne

Sheri,
I too am the QUEEN of procrastination! I have thank you cards, birthday cards, and phone calls to return and am always putting it off. I'm so sorry to hear about your co-worker and I can totally relate. Allow yourself time to grieve and feel sad, it is a natural part of life. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Sending you hugs,
Jill

Thanks so much for your warm thoughts and hugs. I have been allowing myself to just chill out this afternoon. I am feeling better. I still feel down but not so fatigued and overwhelmed as I felt this morning.

The only thing I'm disappointed with myself about is that I comforted myself with food at lunch. It was already my day to go out to lunch so I would have had a restaurant meal anyway today. But I ended up eating a little over half a steak & cheese sandwich with some french fries and a salad and I just stuffed myself. I became aware halfway or so through my meal that I was salving myself with food, but I had a hard time stopping. It is 6 hours later and I am still full and feel huge.

Thanks again for your care and concern.
Sheri

Oh Sheri! I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's passing.

I'm glad that you were able to go home and hopefully you are doing a good job of being gentle with yourself today.

Big hugs to you!

I just read this and sending you lots of ((((hugs)))).

Sheri...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend....

((((HUGS))))
Heather

Sheri, I'm so sorry this is upsetting you so much. It could also be that if Cato was a co-worker, being at work made you think of him more.

I also think, as I get older, when a friend or relative dies, it makes me think of my own mortality more. I also know when friends have lost a parent, I start thinking about what will happen when it is my parent and get more upset than what it would normally warrent.

So, maybe it is the issue with your dad. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Try to have a really nice weekend, and do something to pamper yourself.

Dawn

I ended up taking time off from work. I just couldn't get it together. As soon as I would get myself together, another person would email me or stop me in the hall about Cato and I would start back up again.

My boss wasn't in the office today. When my boss's boss heard, she told me she would approve my leave if I wanted to go home. I told her I felt silly because I wasn't THAT CLOSE to Cato...heck, I don't even think I took time off when my best friend died, though I know I had a hard time focusing on anything so I may as well have...but as I was explaining it to her, it occurred to me why this may be freaking me out so much.

In 1981, someone I knew and was fond of but was not close to died. I went to his funeral along with some friends of mine who knew him more closely. I found myself freaking out at the funeral home, sobbing, and my friends looked at me with concern because they didn't know where this was coming from--neither did I at the time. Two weeks later, I got the call that my father had died. It was like I was grieving for my father before he had even died.

So when I started having this overwhelming grief this morning that just wouldn't abate, I think it is because Cato's death subconsciouly triggered a memory of that earlier experience and I started freaking out because what if this, too, is a harbinger of something to come?

I have had a few experiences of my life of being slightly prescient...sensing things before they happen or as they're happening...and I think this plus my experience with my father's death has me a little freaked out right now. I am feeling oddly numb and worn out...like someone punched me in the stomach.

Oh, Sheri, I'm so sorry about your friends death! Sending cyber hugs your way! {{{{{ }}}}}

I have been procrastinating on a couple of things, will get started on those TODAY! Thanks for the nudge!

(((Sheri))) here is a hug from me too.

Sheri,
So, so sorry to hear of your friend's death. Sending hugs and comfort today.

Oh Sheri, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. {{{{hugs}}}}}

Dawn