My guitar teacher asked me to consider forming a band with him. Something small, playing maybe a few local gigs a month. I'd like to do it, but I'm also terrified of being judged. Not because of my playing, not because of my singing...those things worry me a little, but he thinks I'm good enough and I value his judgement.

What scares me silly is being judged for my looks. I'm at least 20 pounds overweight at the moment (158 this morning, when 135 is my ideal), and I'm scared of being judged more for my butt than for my musical abilities. I'm going to try to turn this into motivation to stick to a good eating and exercise plan, but at the moment it's just making me feel sad. I "know" I shouldn't let a negative body image hold me back, but that's easier said than done.

alli

Thanks gals. I'm going to give it a go. I figure it will be months before I'm rehearsed enough to perform anyway, which gives me time to melt off at least a few of the extra pounds. And it's not like I'll be on stage in front of thousands--probably more like off in the dark corner of a bar.

It's good to be able to confess the weight fear here. Most people can understand dealing with stage fright, but it's harder to get people to understand chub fright!

alli

Go for it Alli!
Some of our very best musicians are overweight and once they start playing, no one could give a darn about how they look.
I also bet that those 20 pounds are much more noticeable to you than anyone else.

Alli, I really think that those 20 pounds are way bigger to you than to anyone who would be watching. Denise's advice about wearing clothes that fit is good. Also you can watch an episode of my favorite show, What Not to Wear, and see how much difference you can make in your appearance by choosing things that flatter.

Get up on the stage and rock it out. I am very sure you are beautiful.

I know that people are trying to help with images of 300, 400, etc. pound musicians, but even if you are 20 pounds overweight, that is so normal that you probably won't even be perceived as overweight. No one is going to think you are the second coming of Mama Cass.

quote:

Originally posted by D in St Pete:
It's a level of passion, I think, that makes him so attractive on stage. And when someone so obviously feels that way about their music...20 pounds? 100 pounds? It's all beautiful to watch.

That is exactly how my friend Jeff is. He is a BIG guy. He's like 6'4" and at least 500 lbs. We worry about him a lot. He’s late for rehearsal... we WORRY. Our band director is always, “Have you heard from Jeff????”

But he stands up to do a solo... I literally get teary eyed listening and watching him play, it is just so beautiful. He is so graceful with his horn. His movements are so fluid and the music just literally flows out of him. I have to THINK sooooo hard to even play the music printed on the page and I may be thinner… but I‘m all jerky and rough… and he just creates these solos that are both musically and visually gorgeous… and makes it seem effortless.

And honestly, I sure that people DO judge him for his weight. I’m not so sure that I (and other that know him) judge him as much as we just worry about him and I hate the thought that some day I’ll get a phone call that he’s had a heart attack at 56 or something.

But he is in huge demand and is asked to play ALL the time because he is sooooo reliable on stage and professionally and has integrity… and he does play… thankfully. Because with a horn in his hand, he is both beautiful to listen to and to watch. He makes more money as an engineer by day… but playing music is who he really IS.

Sort of goes back to Cate’s homework. We are all whole people. Yeah… OK… are weight is part of who we are… like it or not. But we are all so much more.

Another perspective...

I'm beginning to wrinkle... It wasn't so bad at 35 or even 40... but 45 to 50... it is getting "bad". It is getting "bad" FAST. The next 10 or 20 years... whoa!

At what point should I decide "That's it... my face has just gone to h---. I'll be judged as too old. I'm not performing in public any more."?

I KNOW what you would say to me. OK... now talk to yourself the same way.

I started thinking, and wanted to get it down in writing, all the female artists I enjoy who don't have the body that society says they should or who aren't the embodiment of society's idea of "perfect"...and who don't seem to care (and who I enjoy listening to because they're awesome, not because of how they look). Warning...this may be way longer than anticipated. And...I noticed as I was making it that they're all beautiful, but in different ways.

Aretha Franklin, Queen Latifah, Kelly Clarkson, Tracey Chapman, k.d. lang, Nancy & Ann Wilson (Heart), Dolly Parton, Liz Phair, Loretta Lynn, Melissa Etheridge, Janet Jackson (before the surgeries & whatnot)...and in American Idol this year, Jordin Sparks has taken some criticism for her weight, but I just think she's beautiful, and looks like a girl who's busy being a teenager instead of busy starving herself.

A former coworker is in a band that he describes as "rockabilly punk" (yeah, I don't really get it, either) and I have to say that he's easily the geekiest-looking guy in that entire office. We got along well because of our dry senses of humor, and he invited me & the boyfriend to meet his wife and watch his band. Note #1: His wife is gorgeous. Note #2: He's smoking hot when he plays. A totally different person. And I think it's him getting lost in the music that turns him from geek to total babe-magnet. I don't know how to explain it. He looks...the same. It's a level of passion, I think, that makes him so attractive on stage. And when someone so obviously feels that way about their music...20 pounds? 100 pounds? It's all beautiful to watch.

I've performed and conducted (little kids) at all weights. Just last night, ds was watching some old video tapes from 4-5 years ago of me conducting a kids’ concert... when I was about 30 lbs more than I am now. And we watched a tape made about 10 days ago... of me conducting a kids’ concert.

Honestly and objectively, if I look at the video through the eyes of others… I looked just as “nice” and professional and competent and successful and confident at 150-ish as I do now. I interact with the kids EXACTLY the same way. I am as poised (or not poised, because I’m not a REALLY graceful person) EXACTLY the same. The concerts are literally, practically identical… except I weigh 30 lbs less. And those 30 lbs in that context mean nothing.

The concert was about the music. And honestly, live performance IS visual. But truthfully, those 30 lbs here or gone did not change the performance at ALL.

My biggest advice is WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT.

I’ve played concerts/gigs in clothes that fit… and I’ve played them in clothes that are too tight and looking and feeling like I’ve been stuffed into a sausage casing. Wear clothes that fit. Wear clothes that are going to work with the task that you have to do. Like conducting… I need an outfit that looks good from the BACK and doesn’t bunch up under my arms when I go to give a down beat… You need an outfit that you can comfortably play guitar in and that fits.

I've also read or heard... some place... can't remember where... That women feel the same pain being 10 or 20 lbs overweight as they do being 100 lbs overweight. I’m not 100% sure this is totally accurate. I know that having a BMI of 30, I NEVER experienced rude or hurtful remarks that I know people with BMI’s of 50 or 70 do.

I may have been uncomfortable in my own skin and felt like a personal failure… but realistically… to be 100 or even 150 lbs overweight is not all THAT exceptional. I know many, many, many people who are overweight… and at 160... (I’m 5’2” so that is kind of a lot for that height), I was merely dumpy, average American chubby. Most of my friends are significantly more over-weight than I was.

Not to down-play your discomfort or pain… because to be in pain in one’s own skin is AWFUL… be it “only” 10 or 20 or 30 lbs. But realistically, MANY people will not even be aware that you are overweight.

But wear clothes that are flattering (while playing guitar) and fit.

And congrats and best wishes because that is an awesome accomplishment!!!

PS… I know SEVERAL very accomplished musicians who are morbidly obese… I know two guys who weigh 400-500+ lbs… they both play trombone and were on either side of me in big band.

I know women who weigh 300+ lbs and are my height… and I’d rather play with and listen to people that play well.

I WORRY about their weight. I feel for them because I know that they struggle. But musically and professionally… they are awesome.

EDIT... I wanted to add... if every musician stopped performing or artist stopped creating when they gained 20 lbs... the world would be a sad place, indeed. Both for the loss of art... and also what a sad thing that ANY amount of weight stops people from doing what they love and are gifted at.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: GoingSkiing,

My girlfriends and I were just discussing body image yesterday. One friend has a huge problem with it, but said "I am NOT my body...I am what I am because of how I act, what I think, who I hang out with, what I do and my body is the vessel which isn't at it's healthiest right now." She has let go of some major issues in the past few months reminding herself of that.

You have talent and you need to share it with others regardless of your body shape/size. When you share wonderful talents people do not focus on your size and if they do it is their problem...not yours!!! You sound motivated to get back to your ideal weight, so I wish you luck with that.

I hope you sing like there's no tomorrow!

Have you heard Martina McBride's new song...Do it Anyway....that should be everyone's motto!!!

I think you should do it. Life is too short to let other people's criticisms keep you from experiencing life. Do it because you want to, because it will bring you joy. If it helps you stay motivated in what you're doing to take off those 20 pounds, fine. But if you do it, do it because it will be fun and a new experience, and for no other reason.

Oh, Alli, I hope you do it! I really, really enjoy live music, and there is nothing that makes me feel more "connected" than seeing REAL people up there, expressing themselves through music. The only times I (as an audience member) notice anyone's weight is when I relate to it, as in..."OMG WOW! She has a butt, too, and is up there...well, now I don't feel so weird about dancing!"

In this world, 20 pounds is...well, I don't want to say "nothing", because it clearly is something to you, and I don't want to discout that. But...to everyone else, I imagine you look healthy. And, quite honestly, the people I know who notice and remark, either in their head or out loud about 10/20/30 pounds of extra weight are the kind of people I don't like to be around.

Have you thought about (personal soapbox here) going to see a makeup artist or hairstylist (or just a stylist) about stage appearance? You can get away with some amazing things under lights (and 20 ft away from your audience) that you just can't do in everyday life.

And...next time you're out, pay attention to what *you* think about other people. Really. Do you routinely judge others based on their weight instead of their talents? Is the FIRST thing you see in someone their weight? I bet it isn't, and it works the same way for most everyone.

(And there's a difference between an "ideal" weight and a realistic one...thought that might be worth mentioning.)

Alli !! I know how you feel. I am 30 pounds over weight. I just had this discussion with my daughter. I have successfully gained and lost the same 30 pounds most of my life. In the process, who I am remains the same.

Can I just throw in here, that Cass Elliot has always been, to this day, my favorite female artist ever!! She was so overweight, searched for love all of her life and yet, when she sang, she could totally move you. The songs she sang could be sung by others, but they would never be the same, never carry the same feeling!

You are talented! Consider the way you make others feel when you play and stop thinking about what they could be thinking. Trust me, your 20 pounds is not what they are interested in when they come. They have come to hear some good music and "forget about life for a while" as my beloved Billy Joel sang!!!

Hugs, Alli---

I hear you. I can relate. I have turned down lots in my life because I felt less than, fat, and afraid. The funny part was that I was so fixated on myself that I was sure others were hyper-aware of my 20-30 extra pounds too. They likely noticed, but I was living with it 24/7 in my head while others were preoccupied with their own bodies and thoughts.

I think that doing more and being "seen" more has helped my esteem a lot. Higher self esteem always means more intrinsic motivation (ask any teacher, parent)----
More intrinsic motivation and positive stuff in my life promotes health and more postive in my life.

I know this might be a hurdle to jump, but my guess is that it will be super wonderful for you in many ways.

You are worth this risk.

Alli, what a compliment and opportunity. Go for it! And if that is the motivation you crave, what a great motivator. But it can't be a motivator if it causes you to beat yourself up about those extra 20 lbs. I hear in the back of your sentence, "I've got 20 lbs to loose, I'll be judged for my size not my music ability, oh, well, I can't do it anyway"....that just ain't so. You go for it, and when you're famous, even if only in your home area, we'll be in the front row cheering...and do it while your loosing....don't wait....opportunity passes many by because they waited.