I am leaving on Wednesday for a week. We are going to SC to see my parents in Myrtle Beach. I am excited but also somewhat anxious. The reason for my anxiety is, as always, being uncomfortable with myself. I was sitting here thinking back to vacations, both recent and those in the past. A lot of what I remember is me being worried non-stop about how I looked. Not happy because my arms are flabby, my thighs are fat, my butt is too big, my stomach is not flat. I feel like I am being judged when i wear a bathing suit on the beach or the pool.

I really, really want to enjoy my vacation but worry that I will spend my entire time feeling bad because I don't like my size. I don't know how to not be that way. I am judgmental of myself at home and a 1,000 times worse when I am on vacation. When I think back to vacations past, I remember thinking about how I looked. And I can remember pictures from so many trips and all I could focus on was OMG-I look so bad, no matter what my weight.

I want to have fun and remember the fun, not remember that i was a size __ on this vacation, or I looked terrible in all the pictures. Last time we went to MB my dd and my niece and I had our picture taken with a baby tiger. And all I could focus on was how fat I looked in the picture and remember that after seeing that picture my day was shot.

I obviously cannot lose 50 lbs by Wednesday so I need to deal with my current weight. How do you all deal, or how did you deal with vacations when you were heavier or not happy with your body? Were you able to put it aside and have fun or were you like me and remember feeling bad most of the time because of your appearance?

Jill

I wanted to post this earlier but getting back to work after a week off was grueling. I posted about how I wanted to enjoy vacation despite my clothing size/weight. And, I had a great time. My sister decided, last minute, to travel with us to SC. She is 5 lbs. from her heaviest weight ever. I think she still looks great. She dresses well, has great hair, nice skin, etc. She spent much of the time making comments about her weight/size. I noticed something very interesting. When we were at the beach, there were young girls in bikinis walking everywhere. I really could've cared less. And she acted like she did not care but I'd catch her looking. I found that she made a lot of negative comments about herself regarding her weight too. And I kept thinking, what is wrong with her. She really looks fine and she is obsessing over her size. OMG-that was me seeing myself in a mirror!! That was me before, not enjoying myself on vacation, not enjoying life. It was quite the eye-opener. She made very negative body image comments. When she would eat something that was not healthy, she would comment on her lack of self-control. I have to add that my sister is the always in control, confident woman. And here she was doubting herself. It was weird because I am always the one obsessing and there I was in my tankini, not concerned one bit about how I looked, and there she was obsessing.

In addition-unfortunately we spent 10 plus hours each way in the car so therefore ate some meals out. I was pretty proud of myself, when we went to McDonald's, I ordered a salad with grilled chicken, no dressing. Not a huge, momentous occasion, but, no fries, no burger, etc. I'm sure that salad is loaded w/calories, but it has to be better than a burger, fries, and soda.

I actually felt bad for my sister. I'm not saying I'm at my ideal weight but, I am where I am and I loved my time away. No work, no stress. I went to the beach, the pool, out for dinner, shopping, etc. and i didn't stress because I wear a size 14 instead of a size 4. I can only hope that my sister realizes that even though being healthy is of utmost importance, being a certain size is not what defines you.

Jill

This is really great news! Glad the clothes worked out so well and that you had a good time!

Peg

Sounds marvelous, Jill.

That is great news! Glad you had fun!

quote:

Originally posted by jillybean:
This was the first vacation in many, many years that I spent more time having fun and less time obsessing over how I looked. [...] I had a few moments where I was worrying about my weight but for the most part I didn't let it bother me.

Music to my ears, girlfriend! WOOHOO!!!! I'm so happy for you for turning around that thought process and enjoying your vacation!

So glad to hear that you had a good vacation Jill! Welcome back!!!

quote:

Originally posted by GoingSkiing:
Jill, I saw that you are on-line. Welcome back! I was in groc store and saw cover of Oprah magazine and thought of this thread.

FEATURED ARTICLES: JUNE
The Revolution Starts Here!
Pledge to say bye-bye to feeling bad about your looks


Hi,
Thanks and vacation was excellent! This was the first vacation in many, many years that I spent more time having fun and less time obsessing over how I looked. I bought some new summer clothes. Clothes that fit, not clothes I could squeeze into because they were the size I thought I should be wearing. So, I was comfortable, the clothes looked great on me, and I received a lot of compliments on how nice I looked. I had a few moments where I was worrying about my weight but for the most part I didn't let it bother me. We spent a lot of time at the beach and the pool and I had a blast.

Jill
How did your vacation go?

Jill, I saw that you are on-line. Welcome back! I was in groc store and saw cover of Oprah magazine and thought of this thread.

FEATURED ARTICLES: JUNE
The Revolution Starts Here!
Pledge to say bye-bye to feeling bad about your looks

How did your vacation go?

Jill,
I'm so happy to hear you are in such a good place and considering how to turn these messages around. I wanted to tell you that although I come here and read pretty much every post, no post has kept coming to mind all day like this one has in a long, long time. I really wanted you to know that I think you deserve to have a lovely, self-loving vacation with special moments with your family and relaxing times for yourself away from the daily grind and that I will be thinking positive thoughts for you while you are gone.

You can slay some of these dragons right here, right now. They are just mean and ugly and deserve to be slain. Big, big hugs. Wish I could come dice 'em up for you but you'll be so much the better when you do it for yourself!

Peg

ETA: I have also done some cognitive therapy to great success with treating clinical depression and the book I used was "The Feeling Good Handbook". When Beck has been discussed here, I've heard a lot of similar things to what I read in this book. The section on medications is out of date so if you do choose to explore the book, don't use that section for research but I did find that the way I said things (mostly to myself) was really impacting the quality of my life.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: p7eggyc,

For 10 years in a row up until 2 years ago, I went on some sort of island or warm-weather vacation every year with my group of travel friends. For about half of those years, I was by far the heaviest of the group. While there may have been moments during those vacations when I felt fat or didn't like the way I looked in a swimsuit, I don't remember any of them. All I remember is the fun I had and the memories I made, many of which are captured on film. Out of all my vacation photo albums, there are only a couple of pictures that make me cringe. The rest just bring smiles to my face remembering what great fun the trip was.

I would never have gone on any of those vacations if I was focused on how fat I was or how bad I was going to look in a bathing suit. I am thankful that, while my self-esteem has been shaky over the years, it has rarely kept me from doing anything I wanted to do. I think what has helped in my case is that we are always very active on our vacations--snorkel trips, sight-seeing, etc.--so, even though I may be in a swimsuit or shorts the entire week of vacation, it's not just about sitting on a beach in a swimsuit.

To piggyback on what Denise brought up...too much negative self-talk turns into a chicken vs egg thing when it comes to depression. Is the depression magnified because you cycle through negative thoughts, or are the negative thoughts magnified because of depression?

I never really bothered to investigate. They both made me miserable, and magnified each other until most of the light was obscured by their shadows.

Cognitive therapy focuses on re-training the brain--it's the basis for Beck's book. It's amazing how MANY facets of life the negative self-talk can invade, and how insidiously it incorporates itself. "Hey, Diana, you look nice today!" should be a compliment, right? Unless you say, "Thanks, I got this on sale, and my hair didn't turn out right, but.." and whittle that compliment away. Or, you think, "Today? I look nice today? Did I look terrible yesterday? Do I normally look terrible? Oh gosh." I will say, with 100% certainty, that cognitive therapy has helped me in a way that no medication ever could. It's been like physical rehab for my brain. (For those who've never needed it, and have a tendency to see the bright side most of the time, consider yourselves lucky!)

And I think there are those among us, me included, who might value our looks a little too much--even as we dislike them. No matter what size I have been, I have ALWAYS been vain--my makeup's nice, my hair's current, my clothes are nice. (And I've learned to stop apologizing for this, too. So what if I like to look nice? People will think what they want to think.) And so I tend to think everyone else values that, too. But....they don't. I've had a new haircut (that's adorable) for 3 weeks now, and no one at work has said a word. I'm wearing these CUTE light-grey patent leather slingbacks...and no one cares. *I* might notice things like that on someone else, while 87 other people don't. And those same 87 other people wouldn't care if I was bigger than them on the beach, either.

I think I had a point.

I've based a lot of my self-talk on what I'd say to a friend. When I'm thinking, "Oh, lordy, I am the FATTEST THING on this beach," to a friend, I'd say, "You are not. Stop being silly. Let's go in the water and have fun!" I'd probably even give her a list of the things she's awesome at or what makes her fun to be around, if she needed it.

This may be a bit beside the point, but I want to share with you all something I read years ago that really struck a chord in me.

It's from the book Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott. The book is about writing, but also about life, and she tells the story about how she and her best friend who is dying (cancer) are out shopping because the author needs a new dress. She's trying something on, and asks her friend, "Does my butt look big in this?" and her friend answers slowly, "Annie, I don't think you have the time."

I only wish I could remember more often that I don't have that kind of time either. Nobody has.

quote:

Were you able to put it aside and have fun or were you like me and remember feeling bad most of the time because of your appearance?

I was generally able to put it aside and have fun.

I’m trying to think back… at my highest weight… it was during the dot.com boom and we had a lot of money. We took my fil and nephew to Kauai and because I messed up and didn’t send in the deposit for a reasonably priced condo… we ended up staying at THE nicest and most expensive hotel on the island. Back home, I was 40 lbs more than I am now, and just sort of average American overweight, dumpy kind of looking. Back here there were PLENTY of people heavier than I was.

However, at a fancy smhancy resort on Kauai (which seemed to be FILLED with middle aged men with their 35 year old trophy wives), I was probably the heaviest woman there. And one of the oldest.

Fortunately, I’m not a “sit by the pool” kind of person, really… I remember doing a lot of snorkeling and kayaking and my nephew and I climbed down to the bottom of this waterfall… and got totally and completely filthy sliding through the mud. I have many, many good memories.

I also had one of my all time best ski vacations of all time at my heaviest weight… and while pants and parkas can hide a lot… it is still obvious who is fat and how isn’t… even buried in 5 layers of fleece.

I think that for the most part, I was able to focus on the positive and think, “OMG! I’m in Hawaii!!! How cool is that!” or “OMG! I have a whole week to ski!” and did not spend a whole lot of time in a negative loop of “OMG! I’m the biggest person on the beach”.

quote:

Originally posted by jillybean:
I really, really want to enjoy my vacation but worry that I will spend my entire time feeling bad because I don't like my size. I don't know how to not be that way. I am judgmental of myself at home and a 1,000 times worse when I am on vacation. When I think back to vacations past, I remember thinking about how I looked. And I can remember pictures from so many trips and all I could focus on was OMG-I look so bad, no matter what my weight.

If you post is accurate… and your body, looks, and weight truly impact your enjoyment of life to this extent… It sounds to me like a symptom or form of depression. Everyone around you is having fun but you can not, and you can not get your mind off of a specific problem… sounds like depression to me. Maybe not a devastating kind of depression… but just that insidious, low level that prevents people from REALLY enjoying life to the fullest. It tends to tint all experiences, just as you described above.

Also, getting stuck in a loop of negative self talk is also a BIG symptom of depression. I know that statistically, overweight people tend to be more depressed than people who are a healthy weight. Depression also makes it harder to focus and get to a healthy weight.

But to me, this sounds a LOT like depression… and if you find that you are stuck in this negative loop often… I would investigate that as a cause. If I was stuck in a loop about my hair turning gray and every photo, that was all I could see… or something like that ruined vacations or family events… would you think is “normal” or healthy? I don’t think so… We’d think that there might be something “wrong”… but if a person gets stuck in a loop about weight… we tend to accept is as "normal" and, “I know how you feel, I hate how I look, too".

I also REALLY, REALLY agree with Diana… is this the kind of thing that you want to model for your daughter? We all think that we do a good job of hiding our negative self image… be it weight or something external or something internal… but we don’t. Kids see it. Don’t fool yourself.

Sending hugs and also sending best wishes for a great vacation! And while, “Don’t worry about your weight” probably is not helpful advice… I agree with everyone else that you can work on being more positive… and if you notice that it is difficult to see the positive side of things… I’d investigate the possibility that you may have some low level of depression going on, and encourage you to get it treated.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all your kind words and suggestions. I do really like the idea of setting a summer 7 challenge goal geared toward vacation and what I can do to break the negative self-talk and have fun. I will think of a specific goal or two and post later.

Jill

jilly, your post really touched me.

when i look back to the time when i had put on weight, i regret allowing the weight to rob me of the pleasures in life. i felt like the messages running in my head were constantly about how awful i look. i would wear these MuMu dresses to cover up the rolls in my tummy, and the dimples in my butt. i looked like an ad for circus tents. i avoided social situations, and i hated clothes shopping with a vengence.

diana, your post reminded me of something. jill, i know i emailed this to you before. but one article that really sent a jolt thru my system was about a woman who lost her mother to cancer. she described in detail how the illness chipped away at her mother's body, her strength, her capabilities. the writing was so piercing, the level of details. finally, a photo of her mother, in the advanced stages of her illness is shown. you can see her spirit--her wide smile and her glowing happy eyes. but she looks so thin. and the mother said "gee, i spent 40 years trying to lose 30 pounds, and finally, i have lost it. " it was said in ajoking way, but the undercurrent was "gee, i spent 40 years trying to lose the last 30 pounds instead of living my life fully and in the moment."

one of the mantras i try to implement (sometimes, not so successfully, but hey, i gotta try) is "every moment i spend hating my body is a wasted moment."

you can do it girlfriend. didn't KD say "love yourself today and all long the way?" (or maybe i am attributing it incorrectly--forgive me) i have seen photos of you--you are a hot mama!

I've been there too. I vividly remember going to FL when I was over 200 lbs and comparing myself to everyone and feeling horribly self conscious. There are years and years where there are no pictures of me because I refused to be in them or would rip them up if they were given to me.

I love the idea of doing some kind of vacation challenge and focusing on that.

I think now, I would also start my day with a positive affirmation about myself and try to hold a flattering spiritual image as I went about my day. What matters in life is truly not about our exterior package.

I hope you are able to have a wonderful vacation Jill. You deserve it.

quote:

I feel like I am being judged when i wear a bathing suit on the beach or the pool.

Wanted to add that I do think that people are looking a judging some of the time. It's human nature. I do it. I try to do it less over time. I hear others do it too.

I love this idea: What others think of me is their business. What I think of others is my business.

quote:

I really, really want to enjoy my vacation but worry that I will spend my entire time feeling bad because I don't like my size.

Jill,
I hope you have a great vacation! I have gone on vacation when I was heavy and can relate to the thoughts and feelings you share. Hugs.

I was not really able to get away from them much. I have tried stuff like focusing on the activities, but there was always the nagging thought that I was fat. I hated it.

For me, taking positive action always makes me feel better. I liked Peg's idea of using the time for a summer challenge goal. Maybe it is food or exercise related. Maybe it is more of a mental or emotional thing. I think that just committing to something positive related to your weight issues is the key. This turns the thought from "I'm fat" to " I am working this out and changing because I chose to lose weight and become healthier." Being in process is better than being stuck.

quote:

I want to have fun and remember the fun, not remember that i was a size __ on this vacation, or I looked terrible in all the pictures. Last time we went to MB my dd and my niece and I had our picture taken with a baby tiger. And all I could focus on was how fat I looked in the picture and remember that after seeing that picture my day was shot.

I know you're going to get a lot of good advice, and lots of "I know what you mean"s.

I know what you mean.

At some point, though, *you* have to decide to have fun. First, I'll ask what you'd say if someone else on the board had made a similar post...and if it's possible to say the same things to yourself.

Second...and I really hope this doesn't come off badly, but I feel like it's important...do you think your daughter can see this? And is that the recording you want to run in her head? If she doesn't know the exact reasons for your reluctance--do you think she might still see it? Do you think she'd rather have a mom who has fun with her on vacation, or a mom who isn't in any photographs and won't go to the beach?

Which brings me to something else that hit home a few months ago during a conversation. My friend who is pregnant lost her mom 2 years ago. She said the hardest part of the entire ordeal was realizing the family had no pictures of her (the mom) from the last 5 years--because she thought she was fat, and wouldn't get in any pictures. They had no happy, beaming, goofy pictures to put up for the funeral. I'm not trying to be morbid and doom-n-gloom, but hearing her say that really made me re-evaluate my reluctance to be in pictures.

It's not ME I'm in them for. And the boyfriend put it to me this way, "What about looking at the picture and remembering the FUN instead of worrying about how you look?" He then proceeded to point out everything he LIKED about the particular picture of us I didn't want him framing at work. I was smiling. He was laughing. My new haircut made my cheekbones really pronounced, and that was sexy. My outfit was really cute. He's wearing his new watch. I looked happy.

I really don't intend any of this to be hurtful, but I think the issues you brought up are indicative of something deeper that you've brought up before regarding how you feel about yourself. You really do deserve to be happy, and I think everyone here wants you to see that as clearly as we all do.