For the past week or so I've been seeing lots of common "excuses" being discussed.

It's reminded me of my own big excuse: "my metabolism is just so slow" - the I can only eat 1200 calories/day, woe is me cr*p that I held on to for so many years.

Personally another biggie was that I was just genetically fated to be fat. Even when I got thin I felt like I was a fat person masquerading as a thin person. I didn't own my thinness or trust in myself until recently.

I just want to throw out a challenge to really look at your personal "truths" you hold about yourself. The stuff you tell yourself every day that may or may not be true.

I would really encourage self exploration on things that you know work but somehow don't think apply to you.

Mary Jo,
Hugs from me too. I wanted to support Sandy's post about making incremental changes adding up into a new lifestyle. I didn't have a moment that said "MUST lose weight" that sent me on the path. Many moments were "I CAN do that". I heard KD describe her 5 point plan and it seemed very doable to me and I did it and it certainly started momentum but it wasn't some sort of snap moment. I was sort of where I think you are...I was exercising and thinking about changing food but resisting any sort of diet or plan. And then there was a baby step presented to me that seemed very, very doable on that day in that place.

Is there some baby step that seems very, very doable today? What if that's all you focused on for the next week? Would you be able to give yourself permission to set aside all the other 'shoulds', 'coulds' and 'wannas' and just focus on that? For me, the exercise of learning to set the other stuff aside for a while was likely as valuable as doing the things I was trying to focus on. I know you've heard me preach on the evils of "all-or-none" in my life so I won't go on about it but it's been a good thought process to ditch.

Peg

quote:

Originally posted by MaryJo:
I am waiting.

Hey, MJ-
You don't have to wait for a bright light moment. You can create one over the days ans weeks to come. I had to take lots of action in order to climb out of eating a whole frozen pizza for lunch.

I took specidifc action that created change. I logged my food, say a nutritionist to educate myslef about what I need in terms or food/calories. I saw her regularly to stay accountable and I started to weigh in regularly.

I don't know what will help you "click" but I know that you don't have to wait. I wonder what might help you gain more control? I wonder what support you need? From whom?

You've got lots of resouces- internal and external. You can advocate for yourself and get to the bottom of this.

From you posts, it sounds like you are well on your way in terms of exrcise. Personally, I had to prioritize getting my food in order before I could deal with my exercise plan. For me, when I gain or even get mentally negative I have to deal with the food. When my food is in line, my exercise seems to follow natualally.

my experience is that it has been several little moments that turned the corner for me, not one moment of bottoming out. i have tough days once in a while, but i am 200 % farther along the way than i was a few years ago.

quote:

Originally posted by MaryJo:
I know that something one day just snaps and you do it. I am waiting.

This is not my experience. If this was true… it would not have taken me 4 years to lose 40 lbs. If something just snapped and you do it… I would have been done in 20-40 WEEKS - less than a year.

If the "something snaps and you do it" theory was true… NOBODY would ever gain any weight back. If something snapped and we all did it… and were “cured” or something, probably MOST people would be thin.

My experience is pretty much that, yes “something snaps”. And I’m fairly certain we have ALL experienced that “OMG! I really, really, REALLY need to lose some %$#* weight!!!!!” moment or snap.

And then we ALL experience “I know what to do… I’m just not doing it”. EVERY single person on this board has been THERE. And nobody is PERFECT. We ALL go back there sometimes.

I also know that when you actually do it… it gets easier and easer. I had a somewhat stressful doctors appointment yesterday (I‘m pretty sure everything is fine… need more biopsies… which I‘ve had twice in past and have been “nothing“ in past… and sure that is the case again)… and was there for almost 2 hours… and didn’t have much breakfast… and was about 2 hours past when I usually eat lunch… and when I left I was a little stressed and a LOT hungry. And MANY, MANY food option went thru my head… Sushi from a restaurant, sushi from the grocery store, McDonalds, Indian food, Taco Bell, take out Chinese, take out Chinese noodles… and frozen vegs at home, Subway, Togo’s sandwich and potato chips, Togo’s sandwich and no potato chips…

I literally considered 8 or 9 different restaurants… AND 5-6 different food combinations on the “Best, Better, Good, Not So Good, Bad, Worse, Worst” continuum. And in the end, I heard a tape play in my head of “This is stupid. You have food at home. Just go home and make something” and I did.

7-5 years ago… cake and ice cream for lunch would have been added to the list (and I can‘t even imagine that a pint of ice cream never crossed my mind yesterday… but it didn‘t… but this was not always the case). 6 or 4 years ago, I may have turned off the tape and decided to have Chinese anyway. Or 4 years ago, I would have been white knuckling it… seriously white knuckling it past Taco Bell. And yesterday it was relatively easy.

And I came home and made a peanut butter sandwich and ate like 1 TBS of peanut butter “too much”… so things are still not perfect… and nor will they ever be… but it is better and better.

But there is no “something snaps” and then you always do the right thing. If you do the right thing most of the time… you get a lot of practice at it and practice makes for better.

Giving you a gentle nudge and asking you, don’t use the excuse that “something has snapped for Denise and that is why it is easy for her… and that hasn’t happened for me… and I’ll just have to wait until it does… and when that something does snaps… I‘ll just do it… and then I‘ll lose the weight and everything will be fine”. Because, seriously… that is another excuse. That just isn’t the way it goes… There is no one time “A-HA!!! I want to do this!!!” moment and then you are cured. It is more like a flow chart:

1. Hear the excuse(s) in your head.
2. Hear a response(s) why the excuse is BS
3. Make a decision and decide on how you are going to behave… and the decisions go something like a computer flow chart:

a. Listen to the excuse and go with that behavior and go to Subway and get the “worst sandwich on the menu with chips”
b. Listen to the excuse AND the response and go to Subway and have a fairly decent sandwich and chips
c. Listen to the excuse AND the response and go to Subway and have a fairly decent sandwich and no chips
d. Listen to the BS response and go home and make a peanut butter sandwich… and lick extra peanut butter off the knife.
e. Listen to the BS response and go home and make sandwich and don’t eat extra peanut butter.

And we all go through this flow chart process about 200 times a day…

The is NO defining moment when something snaps and it is all better. Just that if you choose option a) or b) on the flow chart MOST of the time… that is going to be the rut you’ll be stuck in. And if you choose d) or e) most of the time… that will be the rut you will be stuck in. Whatever, you do the most… will be your most likely go to habit.

ALSO… I think that 4 years ago or something “cake and ice cream” were just taken off the flow chart options for me. That door has been slammed shut… and I literally didn’t even consider that yesterday. I had lots of excuses going in my head… and lots of reasons to eat… but for whatever reason… cake and ice cream wasn’t on the menu. 10 years ago… an entire sheet cake and a half gallon of ice cream would have been my lunch of choice.

But, obviously Taco Bell, McDonald’s, etc, etc, etc… were still options that I considered. That door is still kind of cracked…

I think you have to decide if there are some doors that you just want to slam shut and lock up tight… and after a while your mind doesn’t even go there.

But it all comes down to "I know what to do, and I just do it” or “I know what to do, and I don’t know why I’m not doing it”. Lots of variables about why we fall into one camp or the other… but excuses can really keep you in the camp that you don’t want to be in.

quote:

I thought about it all of yesterday and last night and today I am going to stop the negative talk and thinking.

Yay!!!!! Negative self talk is NOT helpful as you are methodically going thru the flow chart of options.

Hang in there!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: GoingSkiing,

This phrase:

quote:

I really just have to shut down the cravings and grab a hold of some self control.

made me think of the biggest change I've made in my thinking:

Eliminating "should" from my vocabulary.

Phrasing things that way meant I was ALREADY judging myself as not good enough.

I should be able to resist that!
(Chocolate is hard to resist. I'll move away from it and find something else to do.)

I should go to the gym.
(Going to the gym is in my plan today OR I'd like to go to the gym today.)

I shouldn't be so down on myself.
(I'm down on myself. It doesn't feel good.)

I should be losing weight faster than this!
(I'm losing weight. That's good progress.)

So I might rephrase MaryJo's thought in the above quote like this:
Reducing cravings and feeling more in control of my food intake will probably make me feel better.
Which leads me to ponder what actions need to occur, rather than how terrible I am for not being as good as I think I should be.

First, I think that I am VERY, VERY fortunate that I was overweight a relatively short period of my life. I started gaining January 2, 1998... And it was all lost by November, 2004. I had about 3.5 years of gaining and then about 3.5 years of losing. And I’ve kept it off for 3.5 years.

I am very, very fortunate to have lived as a kid with good eating/exercise habits and to have lived MUCH of my adult life with good habits. There is nothing in KD’s books or the Beck books, that *somebody* didn’t say to me as a kid. I know that is not true for all people and I’m very fortunate. I KNOW that it is an “unfair” advantage.

While I may have ditched my I may have ditched my “Good, Better, Best” habits for some of the “bad, worse, worst” habits… it was for a relatively short period of time.

I pretty much had the same list of excuses as everyone else…

Just this one time…
I deserve it because I’m sad, angry, frustrated, _____,
I’m not that overweight… (even though I had “obese” in 3 different doctors’ charts)
I mostly eat healthy…
I don’t have time to make something at home
Etc
etc
I’m running out of time… so I won’t list them all… but I’ve seen lists of excuses in a couple of different books and could pretty much check off, “Yep. That was me” for all of them… well, maybe not the “I have fat genes one…” That was one of the few I didn’t have.

However, I think that I had a HUGE advantage because being overweight was fairly new and very uncomfortable for me. And I really disliked it. I hadn’t been overweight for 10, 20, or 45 years… and I was desperate to lose it and get back to my normal weight.

When a desperate, stupid diet (of my own making) didn’t work… I went to a couple not stupid, not desperate plans that worked pretty well.

And also for every excuse I had… I had a tape of my grandmother or mom or somebody that I could roll back and hear, “No, I’m not buying potato chips today. We can buy 10 pounds of potatoes for the price of one bag of chips.” “If you are tired and cranky…. Go take a nap.” “No you can’t have a snack now. Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes.” “Don’t take such big servings. Eat a smaller amount and if you are still hungry, you can come back and get some.” “No soda today. If you are thirsty, go get a drink of water.” “We didn’t come to the store to buy candy… put it back on the shelf… but, if you REALLY want some, here is a penny for the gum ball machine”.

I’m very fortunate that for all of my excuses… I had the tools and resources to deal with them. I may have had to dig down and find them but I’ve got about 120 “Grandma Cards” and “Mom cards” stored in my head… which are pretty much like the Beck cards… And I really appreciate this board… because you are some of the people that helped me re- find the resources.

And I’m very fortunate to have many, many years of EXPERIENCE of having applied these thoughts/cards to deal with all of my excuses. OK… I started coming up for excuses to eat candy, chips, soda, too much food, etc, etc, beginning as soon as I could talk… but I’m fortunate that I also have years of experience of dealing with the excuses. It is great to know your excuses. It is great to know what to say to yourself. And it also helps a lot to have the experience of living as a thin person. I’m very fortunate that I basically just had to go back to the way that I was living when I was in my 20’s.

I think that our society has changed a LOT since I was in my teens or 20’s… and I think that it may very well be “harder” now because we are sent messages all the time that support our excuses or sabotaging thoughts.

quote:

I know that something one day just snaps and you do it. I am waiting. I have been going to the gym pretty consistently since December. I really just have to shut down the cravings and grab a hold of some self control. I thought about it all of yesterday and last night and today I am going to stop the negative talk and thinking.

MJ - You are not waiting anymore, you are DOING by stopping the negative talk and thinking today : )

One of the things that has been very helpful for me is not only making my food plan but visualizing going through the day sticking to it. I even do some positive self talk about that I WILL stick to my plan and it will not be a struggle. If I know that there will be temptations during the day, I try to visualize myself saying 'no', feeling really good about staying on plan and then moving on. The mind is a very powerful thing ; )

I'm really proud of you for posting and I hope you have a great day filled with postive self messages!

good for you mary jo.

i read constance rhode's book Inside the Thin Cage. there is a passage in there where a woman says (and forgive me for being imperfect with the quote) "i go to my nutritionist, and she just wants to know about my eating and my weight and my exercise. what she needs to ask me is why i berate myself, why i cannot stand to look at myself, etc." I get that. That resonated with me.

you can do it mary jo.

Thank you friends!! I appreciate your kind words! I really am not trying to be a weenie though! I hate to sound complaining or whiney!

I know that something one day just snaps and you do it. I am waiting. I have been going to the gym pretty consistently since December. I really just have to shut down the cravings and grab a hold of some self control. I thought about it all of yesterday and last night and today I am going to stop the negative talk and thinking.

Thanks for all of your support!! mj

Hugs from me as well MaryJo. I am the Queen of self-destructive talk. And someone here, I think Brie said that we would never say to others the things we would say to ourselves. I would never ever look at someone and say you look fat, or you really are ugly, or you are disgusting-you can't even fit in your jeans and yet I say these things to myself. And perhaps for me it is excuses that keep me where I am, although I think I am in a place right now where I am so weighed down(no pun intended) by those excuses that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel your pain Mary Jo. I can dish out the advice to be good to yourself and talk to and be as kind to yourself as you are to others-I wish I could follow my own advice.

Jill

Hugs from me too, Mary Jo. I felt super hopeful for you when I read your post. I am convinced that awreness is the first step in the change process.

I know it sucks to have eaten the candy. I have eaten a sleeve of Oreos over a bad day or fatigue or whatever.

You deserve to feel good about your body and your eating. You deserve to feel good -even on Sunday when you are dressing for church.

quote:

Originally posted by MaryJo:
Today, when I came home and felt a little hungry, I picked myself up a bag of mini almond joys and ate half the bag. I end up feeling disgusted with myself and go on a self hatred thing for the rest of the day. I need to stop that too.

OY! I need divine intervention. I need an attitude adjustment. My goodness!!

Sending hugs Mary Jo! Have been there, done that... and it just sucks. Thanks for being brave enough to post it! Ditto to everything Iz said... and also ditto to what your daughter says. Self loathing doesn't solve this problem. The BETTER that you talk to yourself, the better it is. Hang in there!!!!

Sandy - here are some of mine:

I don't want to give away my power anymore because:

"I exercised and "have" extra calories to spend"

"we're going out to dinner to a restaurant an extra night this week"

"the Easter bunny is bringing really good chocolate"

"I *can't* wait the 25 minutes until dh gets home to eat"

"I can't eat my normal snack because of child chauffering responsibilities"

"I want to drink more at the party with my friends"

mary jo, i have been there. i was there a long long time, and there were days where it seemed like i was never going to leave that place. finishing 3 large bowls of sugary cereal at the end of day just because i had a rough day, and telling myself it was only one day. but it never was one day. it was several days because i felt so bad about myself. then it went on for weeks. then it was 2 years. it felt like a never ending cycle until it slowly ended.

for me, i tried everything. i journaled. i found a weight loss buddy. by the way, we both gained weight. i tried so many books. i turned to spirituality. i did not think anyone could understand my situation. But slowly, the cycle did break, in tiny baby steps.

but yes, i wore these large mu-mu shirts around the house all the time. i had a closet full of clothes i could not fit into. if i had a special occasion to attend, i would sob , wondering how i would possibly attend when i had nothing to wear, and was too ashamed to go buy clothing in larger sizes. i think most people definitely noticed my weight gain but most had no idea the extent of it because i looked like a circus tent most of the time.

i realized finally that the out of control eating was really about my life feeling out of balance, my self-esteem bottoming, my spirit darkening, my self-loathing. What I can say is that it will pass. Be kind to yourself.

I hope this is not too ramdom...

I have been thinking a lot about this thread.

I don't want to give my power away any longer because...

*the bog of chips is open

*I am hungry

*No one is watching

*I am tired

*We ordered pizza

*I am at a restaurant

*I want MM's

*I really, really want MM's

*I am bored

*I am lonely

*I am angry

*I did well all week

*I don't know what to do with the 4 extra bites of dinner on dd's plate

*There are great samples at the store

*Easter is coming- love the foil candy!

*I don't care

The list goes on. And on. And on.

quote:

Originally posted by D in St Pete:
"It doesn't matter anyway" was my biggest. Which translated to what MaryJo hit on...that *I* didn't matter.

[QUOTE]

I appreciate the realization that "it doesn't matter measn I don't matter."

This has been so true for me. It doesn't matter if I eat the slice of pizza or the handful of MM's after dinner. How can one slice of pizza matter that much?

I kept eating small bits of this or that telling myslef it (I) doesn't (don't) matter. Those choices added up for me and really became a wrecking ball for my self esteem and empowerment.

I am not sure how this ties in, but I know that this idea is related to the ideas that I have to give in to cravings and I can't eat per plan without adding extras. The more I know I matter and that my food choices (all of them) matter, the less likely I am to enterain cravings.

I am so much more comfortable being in charge of my food than I am "almost" being in charge of it and carrying around 20-40 extra pounds.

Brie,
This discussion is great! I believe that my excuses have been at the root of my weight problem. Thanks for bringing this up.

"It doesn't matter anyway" was my biggest. Which translated to what MaryJo hit on...that *I* didn't matter.

It didn't matter if I ate 3 Snickers bars on the sly...
It didn't matter if I skipped the gym...
It didn't matter if I ate more (or less!) than everyone else around me...

But it did. Every bite, every thought, every time I figured I just wasn't worth the trouble...it all mattered.

I also had the "I don't eat THAT bad!" excuse. Which worked, until I started Weight Watchers and had to journal. Yikes.

"It's a special occasion!" No, it's the birthday of the guy 8 cubicles down whose name you don't know. It's not special to me.

"Everyone in my family is fat, so I'm going to be fat." Except...my brother, my mom, my mom's mom, my mom's brother, my dad's dad, my dad's brother, my dad's mom--they are (or were) all slender. Me, my dad, and his sister are the overweight ones.

"Counting/tracking calories/food is too hard and too time-consuming and it doesn't matter anyway!" Not true. It's not hard. It has a learning curve, and requires some effort. So does starting a new job, learning a new machine at the gym, or finding a new route to work.

"I'm fine just the way I am!" Urgh. Inside, yes. Health-wise, no. I cannot "accept" being overweight. It puts me at risk for a lot of things I don't want to be at risk for.

"If I <insert recommended weight loss behavior here>, it'll turn obsessive and that's not healthy, so I won't do it." Except that EVERYONE who's losing weight and getting used to a new way of eating thinks about food all. the. time. So it'll happen. And it will FEEL overwhelming for quite some time. And then, it just settles in. It's natural to count and track and log, the same way it's natural to wash my hands three times while I make dinner.

"I tore up my shoulder, so I can't <insert exercise here>." I can't swim competitively, that's true. But I can swim laps, I can lift weights, I can use those big rubber band things, I can...yeah. There's much more I *can* do than *can't* do.

Susan said this one perfectly:

quote:

I had myself convinced that my food intake was about average, that I was probably eating about 1,800-2,000 calories most days, and my splurges were no big deal. And it was all pretty healthy stuff anyway. To continue fooling myself that way, I resisted journaling or any form of tracking what I was really eating.

That's HARD to learn! I was lying to myself, and I knew it. But it was easier to blame everything else in the world. After all, if the world made me fat, the world would have to make me thin. But if *I* made me fat....crap. *I* have to make me thin, too.

(As a side note...MaryJo, the Beck book was the first thing that made me feel in control and like I could really, truly DO THIS. There are a lot of "assignments" that I suspect would fit in very well with someone who's as spiritual as you are, since they require a lot of introspection and internal dialogue.)

My biggest excuse: I don't eat THAT much.

I had myself convinced that my food intake was about average, that I was probably eating about 1,800-2,000 calories most days, and my splurges were no big deal. And it was all pretty healthy stuff anyway. To continue fooling myself that way, I resisted journaling or any form of tracking what I was really eating.

Needless to say, when I finally did start being honest about how much I was eating, I got a great big ol' slap in the face kind of shock. Let's just say it's a good thing I embraced exercise early on, or things could have gotten WAY out of hand.

I am still not consistent in keeping a food diary, and I don't always keep track of calories or exact amounts. It's usually enough for me to see the long list of stuff I consumed in a day to get me back on track.

quote:

My daughter has been saying for a while that I need to change the way I talk about myself. She is right. I am only 42, I should not feel the way I do. I tend to make myself the butt of jokes, just for a laugh. I always point out my flaws in conversations with others. I should stop that.

For what it's worth, I think your daughter is right : ) Most of us would never talk to others the way we talk to ourselves. I think changing that internal dialogue can be a huge milestone to good health and personal empowerment.