I have had this sitting in my email for some time, figuring it would be a good homework eventually. You can pretty much apply it to any area in life, so here it goes:

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."

Vernon Sanders Law

I could throw out the standard who, what, where... you get the point. If you want to share that, great.

But what about the deeper impact of those lessons that we get, do they stick? Does it leave you feeling stronger, more confident, or do you want to run for the hills? Can you turn around a time where the lesson didn't stick for a more positive result down the road?

Where it comes to weight… I tend to have the same old a-ha moments over and over. “Wow! I really do feel so much better when I eat 7 servings of vegs/fruits a day and exercise!” Sometimes, I sort of miss that feeling of some NEW light bulb moment and something clicking into place… But, I’m also happy to have my weight stable and to just experience some a-ha moment for the 15th or 29th time.

I used to be really stupid when it came to men… And I had a couple of years where I just kept getting dumped over and over and over again. My first inclination was to go into victim mode and think… what is wrong with me???? Why does this keep happening to me??? And then at a certain point, I realized, “Well, DUH!!! I’m dating guys that are going to dump me. Plenty of “nice” guys are hitting on me… but do I go out with them? NO!!!! I go out with guys who are obviously going to dump me”. I started dating nice guys… and stopped getting dumped. It was hard at first. I was naturally more attracted to guys with problems… And it was hard to go out with guys I didn’t especially feel really attracted to… but were nice, good, decent people. But worked out much better in the long run.

I was “lucky” and learned this when I was about 27 or 28... But I know lots of women who SAY that they want to get married and have kids… but date the “wrong” men over and over and over and over again.

quote:

Originally posted by D in St Pete:
Past lessons have taught me to be suspicious and doubtful of people. I learned that it was safer to be closed off and to not express my feelings--that if I wanted to be accepted, I needed to stop being different.

I may be in the minority, but I don’t feel especially suspicious of most humans or closed off. I pretty much say what I think… with some limits. I don’t say every thought that comes into my head in a band directors’ meeting… or the meeting would never end and would just go on and on and on into the wee hours of the morning. And there are a couple of antagonistic people there who one COULD argue with for hours and hours and hours… but why bother? They pretty much are jerks and I’m not going to change their minds… nor are they going to change mine. So I don’t say what I think.

I’m fairly confident that I’m a nice person and I’m intelligent enough and MOST people I meet like me. But not every one will like me… or they won’t “accept” me… or whatever and that is ok. *I* don’t like every person *I* meet and realistically I have enough friends and I don’t need more and more and more friends. Friendships take effort and I have enough friends now. I’m ok meeting new people… and if they like me, fine… and if not… that is ok, too. I don’t have to pretend that I’m somebody who I am not… nor do I have to be closed off or necessarily suspicious. Most people will like me when I‘m myself and say what I think… but not everyone will… and that is ok.

I’m not terribly good at making small talk with strangers at parties. My sil is a stock broker and THRIVES off of that kind of thing and “networking” and making contacts. But she NEEDS to do it, to make a living. I really have no need or motivation to do that… so I pretty much hate it. I don’t speak my mind at parties… since usually the conversations are incredibly boring and there just isn’t much to say. But I only end up in these kinds of situation once every couple/three years. And usually, there is at least ONE other person there who hates small talk, too… and the two of us can talk about how much we hate parties and small talk.

And there are people in this world who just naturally want to take advantage of other people… but I find that I immediately dislike those kind of people and don’t have a problem saying “no” when asked for favors. I used to have trouble saying “no”… and I still don’t LIKE being put in the position of saying “no” and people who like to take advantage of others easily put us in the position of saying “no” But it is much like that muscle that Beck talks about… the more you exercise it. The easier it is to do.

My sister dated a guy for 4 years who would take advantage of people… if you let him. The rest of my family and I immediately did not care for him. But my sister fell head over heels in love and, realistically, they were made for each other. He’d take advantage of her… and she’d let him. She’d OFFER to let him take advantage of her.

She had all kinds of red flags and warning bells early in the relationship… but consciously chose to ignore them. I really have no idea why my sil, brother, mom, dh, ds, and I all could see that he was pretty much a selfish, tightwad, only looking out for himself… and my sister decided this is the guy she was going to spend several years with.

OK… SOME people… we all have reason to be suspicious of. But, MOST of the people I meet or are friends with… we have a good, fair, equal, balanced relationship… with good give and take. But people like my sister’s boyfriend… he wasn’t MY favorite person… and I wasn’t HIS favorite person. We tolerated each other because we both wanted to spend time with my sister. But I didn’t worry about him accepting me or liking me. And he may have taken advantage of my sister, but I never felt like he ever took advantage of me, but I never really offered him the opportunity.

My experience is that people who are deserving of being kept at arms length usually send off plenty of warning signals early on. I can’t think of anybody who is so slick that they can have a normal, healthy relationship or friendship for 5-10 years… and then suddenly turn into a selfish bastard… unless they get conked on the head or something.

The one case where I feel like I’m suspicious of ALL people in a particular group… would be plumbers, roofers, electricians, pest control “technicians”, and car sales people. I feel VERY suspicious of them. But it is based on bad experiences in the past. And it is very difficult to even get recommendations from friends… because they’ve mostly had bad experiences, too.

i have learned that lesson the hard way as well. i used to be so open and naive about people, and after being stepped on several times...i am careful. mostly, i learned to listen to my gut instinct more and not to second guess myself. and i know this may sound goofy--but watch children and animals. i brought a new friend over to my house and dd was aloof and unfriendly toward this person (she is usually quite friendly and cheery to guests). this person ended up being one of the most toxic manipulative people i have ever met. should have paid attention to dd's reaction...

quote:

Originally posted by D in St Pete:
This probably won't be the uplifting answer other people have, but...

Past lessons have taught me to be suspicious and doubtful of people. I learned that it was safer to be closed off and to not express my feelings--that if I wanted to be accepted, I needed to stop being different.

The culmination of all that was, I believe, my bouts with depression. When I accepted myself as different and unique and NOT WRONG because of it, many things started to come together and make sense. I still do not implicitly trust people, and won't say what I'm *really* thinking until I know they won't reject me for it.

Ditto all of it. I still struggle with this in a big way.

quote:

Originally posted by D in St Pete:
Past lessons have taught me to be suspicious and doubtful of people.

Sadly, a lot of my past lessons have taught me the same thing. I came from small-town Ohio to DC at age 18 so full of trust and idealism. I just assumed that everyone had the best of intentions toward me and that they meant what they said. Um. Wrong! I had some pretty big hurts finding out that, while those may have been realistic assumptions in my little Ohio home town, they definitely weren't realistic in the big city.

I still struggle a lot with being distrustful of people. I've been told I can appear unapproachable. According to a book I read long ago about adult children of alcoholics, distrust is just a really common trait for us. They say it comes from never knowing what was going to happen when we were kids because life with an alcoholic can be so unpredictable.

This probably won't be the uplifting answer other people have, but...

Past lessons have taught me to be suspicious and doubtful of people. I learned that it was safer to be closed off and to not express my feelings--that if I wanted to be accepted, I needed to stop being different.

The culmination of all that was, I believe, my bouts with depression. When I accepted myself as different and unique and NOT WRONG because of it, many things started to come together and make sense. I still do not implicitly trust people, and won't say what I'm *really* thinking until I know they won't reject me for it.

jill, i am a "feel first, figure it out later" person. dd is also this way. it is a struggle but i have to make an effort to just allow myslef to be in the moment of the feeling before i act on them. i am better at it some days but not others.

lately, i am trying to give myself permission to be more human. to not get down on myself for that slip, for not being perfect, to say "oh well" more. that does not feel natural either so it is an effort. i figure the payoff is awesome--more balance and contentment.

One thing I'm trying to learn, over the years, and still have not completely mastered is thinking before I speak. I tend to become very emotional and also can become mad pretty quickly and instead of stepping back and assessing the situation first, I react. Not good, for the most part. Not only because I say things that I either don't mean, or say them in a way that could have been worded better. Then I always end up going back and replaying the conversation over and over thinking "why did say that?" or "Oh, I really should have said...". I am working on this. I am trying to not speak as a an immediate response to my emotions.

Jill

i agree 100% brie.

I find that for myself, those really, really important life lessons often need to be revisited. I'll get it to a point and then drift back into my old ways before needing to be reminded why it's so important.

I know that there are definitely some recurring themes in my life and it feels like it's those things that my soul is here to work on.

I had to think about this one. Partly because there are so many lessons that I have had over the years.

My initial thought to the quote when I first saw the quote was "whoa, this is all about character". How I react to stuff says lots about who I am. But my problem is that I react more often than I take the time to think then act.

I still remember the day I realized that I needed to get serious about losing weight. That was definitely one of the most embarrassing days of my life. But that day is still so fresh in my head that I have beena ble to stick with my plan for losing weight, even after a year of going nowhere with my weight (pretty much literally). Knowing that I've never looked back and gained weight has done wonders for my confidence.

School has been a series of "how bad do you want this" lessons/reminders. Different scenarios, but all have forced me to realize I'm not incapable of handling all the math and other stuff that I keep having thrown at me.

And I will someday remember to stop and realize that I don't have to be afraid of what I'm tackling next (like the applied math class I'm looking at for summer).

I still want to run for the hills with every challenge. I'm really good at that, and always have been. But I usually regret not facing it, so I try to just "suck it up" and meet it face to face.

I have a quote from Gus Grissom (the astronaut) that says something about always being afraid when getting into the fighter plane or rocket but always realizing that he can "run with the big guys". That got me through a lot.

One thing I've noticed is that if you let yourself learn the lessons when you have them the first time, the next one doesn't seem quite so bad, since they all seem to build up on each other. Which makes the next lesson not seem so painful in the end.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Coaster Girl,