Just need to vent! I am in such an annoyed mood right now with dh. I have tried so hard to be patient and listen to his needs and wants.
Sometimes I feel like mine are ignored. I do not want clutter, I do want projects to pile up on him, I do not want to feel like I have to make extra steps because he can't take 10 min. and do something for me.
I really try not to stress out and be this negative, but tonight he has been picking and picking. ARGHHH!!!
I am leaving soon for an event, but I just am beside myself.
Thanks for letting me vent.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is." Albert Einstein
Daily to do: Drink plenty of water & take vitamins
Posts: 1624 | Location: Georgia | Registered: March 24, 2004
Been married 28 years, and it doesn't get better, it gets tolerable as far as the dh's not listening or being noticeable. You just learn to give 52% and take only 48%....talking is usually useless, or lasts only a short time. Raise your sons to be better. I am sure if the shoes under the table were on the other foot the men would have comments similar to ours, if they thought that long!
It's never too late to get it right.
Posts: 3473 | Location: Central USA | Registered: March 11, 2004
When it really gets frustrating is when you do spell it out and they still don't listen, or hear, or remember.
DH and I had this argument Christmas day. I had asked for a specific cardigan sweater, twice. Told him where to buy it, what color and everything. He got me a pull over. I know with gifts it should be the thought that counts, but this was one of those "last straw" things of where I talk and I feel like I must sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to him.
Mostly, it makes me feel unimportant. What I say is just background noise to him.
What Jen said it is true, marriage is wonderful and frustrating, terrific and a pain all in one. The same can be said of children.
Dawn
"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have to set yourself on fire." anonymous
Posts: 4334 | Location: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: March 15, 2004
Originally posted by Tayhudson: Steph, HUGS! Sorry you're so frustrated.
I agree with Susan. Mostly, because a male friend of mine said to me when I was having some similar issues with DH, "Tell him exactly what you need. Tell him specifically what you want and what you need." He went on to say "We don't get subtle, we don't take hints, and we can't read your mind. And generally if we know you have a problem, we want to fix it."
Dawn
This has been my experience too with my dh. If I don't spell it out in simple terms, he just doesn't get it.
I've even had to go so far as supplying him the "right" words for a sincere apology.
I'm sorry that you are struggling though!
Out of our beliefs are born deeds; out of our deeds we form habits; out of our habits grows our character; and on our character we build our destiny.
I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated and unheard, Steph. I'm not married, nor have I ever been, but most of my closest friends have been men for many years. Men and women just have completely different modes of communication and sometimes the mistake that we women make is that we expect them to understand when we're communicating in OUR mode--but they don't.
I completely agree with Susan. You have to be straight with him. He needs to know that you feel unheard/ignored--chances are that he would be surprised to hear that. He needs to know in a clear & concise way what it is you need from him and why it would be beneficial.
The book "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" by Jim Gray took a LOT of guff in the years after its release, but I gotta tell you, it helped me tremendously. If you haven't ever read it, you may want to give it a try. Take the nuts and bolts of "this is what he hears when you say this" and leave behind what doesn't feel true and right to you.
Personal Healthy Habits Challenge - 10/1 to 12/31/08: 1. Exercise: Get back to consistently working out 3-5 X week. 2. Food: Get back to consistently preparing healthy lunches for the week with increased veg servings. 3. Behavior: Reduce intake of sweets.
Posts: 7356 | Location: Rehoboth Beach, DE | Registered: March 12, 2004
You're taking me back to early in my early marriage. (And I'm not belittling or negating what you are feeling). He kept leaving his socks in the middle of the living room floor. I'm sure there were other things that aggravated me that he was supposed to "just know" or understand.
I kept picking up the socks and fumed. Eventually, I decided to stand my ground. I was not going to pick up the socks. They could sit there forever, if necessary.
That night I was awaken by a rainstorm. I amazingly recalled, in my sleepiness, that the husband had left his window, in our only car, open. At first, I thought about getting up, going out in the rain and closing the window. They I remembered my resolve. He could sit in the wet in the a.m. Maybe then he would learn the lesson.
When we went to the car the next morning, a quick observation reminded me that I had been the one to drive home. We took our usual seats, he driving and me sitting in the wet seat!
That said, this one happened today:
I called my brother early this morning. The result was very unusual for us. We both became upset. He lit into me. I cried. He's usually so supportive. The topic of discussion was his recent job change.
When dh came home, I reviewed db conversation. DB is 50, dh - 52. I went over the list of items I said to db about worries about stabilities of job - including dh situation and how hard it will be to find a job at his age, if/when the nursing home sells.
DH was relieved to hear what I said about that to db. He didn't think I realized the pressure he has been under. It has been a pink elephant between us for about 2 months. I thought he knew that I understood. And he thought I was oblivious.
I knew already that I'm the channel surfer who likes crunchy peanut butter and won't ask directions.
I hope this helps. I have not words of wisdom. Just 2 stories that might help. At least I really hope they might help.
I agree with Susan. Mostly, because a male friend of mine said to me when I was having some similar issues with DH, "Tell him exactly what you need. Tell him specifically what you want and what you need." He went on to say "We don't get subtle, we don't take hints, and we can't read your mind. And generally if we know you have a problem, we want to fix it."
Dawn
"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have to set yourself on fire." anonymous
Posts: 4334 | Location: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: March 15, 2004
Steph, I'm sorry you're having these problems. But I couldn't help noticing that you said you've tried to be patient and listen to him. Has HE listened to you? If not, is that because you haven't told him what you need?
Maybe you should start by telling him how you feel. If he's ignoring your needs, he should hear that. Think about presenting your case in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's doing everything wrong (even if he is). Tell him as specifically as you can what he can do in that 10 minutes and how much it would help you.
Good luck. I'm sure you and your dh will find out a way to work this out.
