Here is my situation. My boyfriend has been cooking in restaurants for years. He makes dinner about one or two times per week here. For years it has just been me doing all the cooking because my ex-bf did not cook. So, basically I controlled what was going into our meals. Now don't get me wrong, what he makes is very good but I know he is very sensitive about me making "suggestions" about how he prepares things. I guess it is because he has been working in restaurants for so long and I have only cooked at home that he feels he knows what to do and also there is the "mom" factor-meaning this is how his mom does it-UGH! I have really been paying close attention to how he makes things and what exactly he is putting in to our dinners. Well, he made mashed potatoes and OMG-an entire stick of butter! AAAAHHHH! And way too much salt. The places he has worked in(and he was raised in a home where butter/salt/fat, etc were heavily used)Pennsylvania Dutch places where using full fat stuff is normal. So, i took a VERY small portion of potatoes and a lot of asparagus(which I made), and a small piece of sausage. He commented on how small my potato portion was and I felt so bad because I did not want to hurt his feelings. They were very tasty but I do not want all those calories and ended up taking more because I felt bad! So, how do I handle this? I guess I just need to be honest. He knows that I want to lose weight even though he says I don't need to which may be why he does not give much thought to ingredients. He is kind and caring but also very sensitive when it comes to his cooking so I have to handle this gently. I guess I just need to stress how important eating healthy is for me, and I don't want to be a control freak by not letting him make any dinners. I do love not having to cook every night. I try very hard, when planning menus to pick healthy stuff but this meal was his idea, complete with fresh sausage and gravy....


Jill

that sounds very delicious! love taco recipes!

I made KD's Chicken Taco Casserole last night-it is EXCELLENT! I also made the avocado-mango salsa from the blue book. The salsa is okay, I think had it been summer and I had a really great tasting tomato and a more ripe mango it would have been a lot better.

Jill

Being the wife of a cook, I understand completely. My dh has tried to understand, has made things from my WW cookbook, altering them just "a little", and from KD's books, and doing the same.

I agree with the others, honesty, and praise works best. Yes, tell him how thankful you are that he cooks, our men are few and far between. Suggest that you make part of the meal and he does the other part. Tell him, you want to pick out recipes together, and then share what is good for you and what might need to be altered, slightly. You can do it. And you did the right thing with the potatoes, a little bit, cause you can have potatoes any day, take that which you don't get everyday, and then make amends for it by a walk or a longer walk or workout during the week, eat slimmer the days other than the holiday.

You are doing the right things, let us know how your meals turned out.

Jill, I feel like I must weigh in on this topic, because I have a similar "problem" -- and it makes me feel like a spoiled princess to even call it that. My DH does almost all the cooking for our family, and I have had to rein him in from time to time. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate his skill and his willingness to take responsibility for dinner every night. If I have to remind him to lighten it up, I do it with humor.

Once, he did respond that I don't need to lose weight, that maybe I'm a little obsessed about food. So I said, I didn't need to lose weight because I AM vigilant about food (rather than obsessed). And if I stop being vigilant, it won't be long before I WILL need to lose weight.

Also, my DH really loves leftovers. He often has what's left of last night's dinner for breakfast, lunch, or a snack. Can't tell you how many times I've gone looking for the last piece or bit of something only to find that I'm too late. So when I don't finish, I just tell him I'll save it for later. Maybe that's part of the solution for you? Package it up in the fridge for another time?

One other thing (and apologies if it's TMI, but it worked to get him to cook lighter meals) -- heavy dinners make me sleepy. If I fall asleep early, he doesn't get to enjoy my company that evening, if you get my drift.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll find a way to work it out.

quote:

Originally posted by jillybean:
he LOVES to cook but has been trained OTJ by owners/cooks who basically were self taught by their grandmothers/mothers who most likely were PA Dutch

My best friend in Rehoboth is of PA Dutch lineage. He is a MARVELOUS cook too. He is not as heavy on the stick of butter stuff as it sounds like your bf is, but he does not believe in sacrificing flavor for health. He seems to think of it almost as an atrocity. Funny, because my father had such a zeal for cooking and for eating and he and David cook so much alike that it is sometimes a little freaky!

jill, it sounds like you guys are on the right track as a couple! yes, do give him credit for trying all kinds of foods. my friend's husband refuses to eat one vegetable. if he finds out anything she cooked is remotely healthy (like if she purees carrots into the spaghetti sauce), he will literally spit it out right there on the table as if someone was trying to choke the life out of him. the only veggie he will eat is a potato (preferably fried). so when they come for dinner, she tells me "if this is healthy, don't say a word, PLEASE!!" and always, he enjoys the meals i make. he loves the brownies i make where i substitute half of the butter with applesauce, he has no clue and "oohs and ahhs" about the brownies. so good for your BF --for having an open mind and heart!

your dinner sounds yummy!

by the way, i was just reading this month's oprah magazine, and there was a book review about this book on eating clean. a great line went something like "if your great grandmother would not recognize it, don't eat it." cool, eh? did Oreo's exist in 1898? NOT!!!

I've been thinking about some of the replies and it has brought up some ideas.

First-I want to briefly address the sensitivity factor and our relationship. He is not a super-sensitive guy but from my point of view I know how I would feel and perhaps and projecting that he will feel/respond the same. I don't like being criticized, even in a loving way and tend to get defensive so perhaps I am just anticipating that he will react the same. We talk about some pretty serious things and are very close but I guess because I want him and my dd to love everything I make(which is not realistic) I am thinking he feels the same. I feel that we are strong enough to talk about these things but it makes me feel bad-I am not a blunt, lay-the-cards-on-the-table kind of person. I do plan to talk to him about this and appreciate those who recommended addressing it from the "I" standpoint vs. "you" so that he does not feel like I am "attacking". And I am not one to use tears D but I do like that technique, LOL!

Second-I am assuming that he is as educated about fat/calories/etc as I am. I read a lot, here and elsewhere. I have been changing the way I eat for years, even though I am not 100% there I have to remember that this is what he knows and what he grew up with.

Third-Part of this is me wanting to control everything. And my health should be in my control. But, I also need to understand that if he does enjoy those foods who am I to take that from him? I would prefer that he eat healthier and believe me he has come a long way since we started dating. He takes his lunch now vs. going to drive-thru's or pizza places every day. He drinks water vs. energy drinks and soda. We had asparagus and green beans in addition to the sausage and mashed potatoes. I can choose to eat more veggies and less of the other stuff, as long as I can let him know that I just can't have that kind of calories in my every day meals. I can slowly begin to educate him and also try and show him through meals I make that good tasting food does not have to be calorie-heavy. And I'm sure I contradict myself and confuse him because if I am being totally honest I say how much I want to lose weight but he sees me eating pizza and cookies and other non-healthy foods so I may be sending a mixed message.

Someone asked if his mother has a weight problem and the answer is YES. She is quite unhealthy. She makes cakes sometimes 2x/wk, makes a very heavy meal most nights so this is what he knows but I will change that!

As far as talking about my "numbers", other than my weight my cholesterol is excellent, my blood pressure is typically 118/65, I had insulin resistance and a bunch of other bloodwork done about a month ago-all normal except for slight anemia. I know this could change at any time-all the more reason to eat well now.

I am making a KD recipe tonight-Chicken Taco Casserole with Avocado/Mango salsa. He is really looking forward to trying it. I will give him credit-whatever I make, no matter how weird it sounds to him, he tries. I would love for him to go to culinary school to expand his food knowledge and skills. Not that that would make him cook healthier but he LOVES to cook but has been trained OTJ by owners/cooks who basically were self taught by their grandmothers/mothers who most likely were PA Dutch and cooked with lard and their food palates were quite limited to potatoes, corn, pork, beef, green beans, things like that. Anyway, I could go on and on but I won't.

We as a couple are a work in progress and I believe our eating habits are as well. I am just farther along in the process. He too wants to trim down a bit as well but I really don't think he knows exactly what to eat to do that. Now it is not a secret that mashed potatoes with a stick of butter are not healthy, but like I was a few years ago-what if I take out the butter? They'll taste like cardboard!-they do not, and I know now there are ways to flavor foods without using so much butter, salt, fat.

Jill

quote:

Originally posted by jillybean:
So, how do I handle this? I guess I just need to be honest.

I agree with Denise that this is the best answer.

quote:

He knows that I want to lose weight even though he says I don't need to which may be why he does not give much thought to ingredients.

I would encourage you to remember (and maybe encourage him to remember too) that losing weight isn't just about aesthetics (how you look). You are young now, but I speak from experience when I say that if you don't turn this around now, your chances of having health issues when you hit age 40 or 50 are much higher.

Also, whether he thinks you need to lose weight really shouldn't be pertinent to the issue. If YOU want to lose weight...if YOU want to eat healthy...then that is what should matter to him if he loves you.

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:

quote:

Originally posted by GoingSkiing:
Maybe I've been married too long... but if you can't say, "Honey I LOVE when you cook for me... but I just can't eat half a stick of butter", How are you going to discuss REALLY difficult subjects?

And if somebody is THAT fragile and delicate that they are offended if you ask for less butter... is that somebody you want to spend a LOT of time around? Or if somebody is so selfish that if you ask for less butter... they won't/can't help you out... Doens't sound good to me.

I don't know. I don't think that it is THAT big of a deal. And if it is... maybe it is a sign that the relationship is sort of rocky anyway.

I completely agree with Denise. This is your health you are talking about Jill.

I know for myself, there is no way I could counter balance two meals/week that were that calorie laden.

Be honest and come from a place of love and not criticism and you'll be just fine.

Yes, I SO agree. Your health really matters. USe "I" statements and keep it loving.

Like Brie, no way I could eat like that even once per week and stay trim.

Here are a couple of things to consider:

1. Is it possibly an issue of education? I think that those of us that spend a lot of time/energy understanding calories, fat, etc. don't necessarily realize how little the general public knows about this. Do you think you would be willing to share some of your FitDay logs with DBF to assist in illustrating how much a serving (or more) of his mashed potatoes 'cost' you in your daily calories? Assuming he knows what the consequences of that stick of butter may be a very unsafe assumption.

2. Try to get to the place where you are totally in the driver's seat about what goes on your plate and in your mouth. It sounds like you had a great strategy to eat less potatoes and sausage and more asparagus but found yourself giving in to 'guilt' about making that choice. Maybe think about some potential responses that might work to allow you to stick to your very reasonable plan. What about something like "I can't afford that many calories today"?

Good luck. I agree that this has to be handled with some degree of sensitivity because he has his preferences and those should be honored and he is trying to help and I don't really think you can always demand that things be done your way. It's a good way to wind up doing it yourself. (Yes, I'm chronically single but I find this in all relationships, not just love relationships. Ask my best friend about loading her dishwasher. )

Peg

quote:

Originally posted by GoingSkiing:
Maybe I've been married too long... but if you can't say, "Honey I LOVE when you cook for me... but I just can't eat half a stick of butter", How are you going to discuss REALLY difficult subjects?

And if somebody is THAT fragile and delicate that they are offended if you ask for less butter... is that somebody you want to spend a LOT of time around? Or if somebody is so selfish that if you ask for less butter... they won't/can't help you out... Doens't sound good to me.

I don't know. I don't think that it is THAT big of a deal. And if it is... maybe it is a sign that the relationship is sort of rocky anyway.

I completely agree with Denise. This is your health you are talking about Jill.

I know for myself, there is no way I could counter balance two meals/week that were that calorie laden.

Be honest and come from a place of love and not criticism and you'll be just fine.

quote:

Originally posted by isabel:
this is a toughie, miss jill. i have difficulty with friends. a BF is another animal. people do feel offended.

I actually don't think that it is that much of a toughie.

Maybe I've been married too long... but if you can't say, "Honey I LOVE when you cook for me... but I just can't eat half a stick of butter", How are you going to discuss REALLY difficult subjects?

And if somebody is THAT fragile and delicate that they are offended if you ask for less butter... is that somebody you want to spend a LOT of time around? Or if somebody is so selfish that if you ask for less butter... they won't/can't help you out... Doens't sound good to me.

I don't know. I don't think that it is THAT big of a deal. And if it is... maybe it is a sign that the relationship is sort of rocky anyway.

I think it might help to use health as a reason for cutting back on things like butter, cream, potatoes, etc.

What ARE your cholesterol and blood pressure numbers? Should they be lower? Where ARE you on a BMI chart? Some people are visual (Denise's graphs come to mind), so maybe it would help for him to SEE what you want. "My cholesterol is xxx. I want it to be <show him printout of healthy cholesterol range>. To do this, I need your help."

"I need your help" has been pretty important in the discussions I've had with TJ about my weight. "I know you like to go to sports bars and watch football all day on Saturdays. It's hard for me to find things to eat at most of them, so I need your help. Can you find a place I can eat at, too?" "I realize you would like steak at every meal. I need your help, though. I need to eat leaner so I can meet my goals."

And...what about your daughter? Are you concerned what eating like this at her age will do to her later in life? Is it important to you to set a good example for her now, and to model enjoying healthy food, and the other stuff in moderation?

And how about his cholesterol/blood pressure/weight? I'm not advising, "Honey, I love you, but you have GOT to lose weight, and first we'll cut the butter in mashed potatoes."

Rather, "Aside from my health, I worry about my daughter, and you. Your blood pressure numbers last year were high, and I don't want to lose you." (Then, if you sniffle and cry, it helps, too. Not that I would know from personal experience.)

i have this issue with some friends who cook for me as well. i think the food is just another way of being loving and caring, so they see any critism or rejection as that of their love/concern. so..perhaps emphasize to him that you feel his love and care for you. at the same time, you have been on this challenging journey of living healthy that you are totally committed to. speak from your heart. you cannot control how another person responds. but you know your intentions. you know your heart.

this is a toughie, miss jill. i have difficulty with friends. a BF is another animal. people do feel offended. people do feel slighted. but the more you emphasize love, and stay consistent with your response, the more he will get used to it and learn to respond to you differently.

so many of us were raised to equate rich food with love. there are so many other ways to show love, like placing healthy food in front of your loved ones, going for a nature walk, registering for a charity walk together, etc

take care jill

quote:

Originally posted by jillybean:
So, how do I handle this? I guess I just need to be honest.

You answered your own question.

quote:

OMG-an entire stick of butter! AAAAHHHH! And way too much salt. The places he has worked... using full fat stuff is normal.

It is "normal" in EVERY restaurant to use full fat everything. You can't get a glass of skim milk at most restaurants. If you order a glass of milk at most restaurants... you get whole milk. And they use entire sticks of butter... except in restaurants... you buy butter in cases that weigh 50 lbs and a "stick" of butter in a restaurant weighs 1 lb.

Which is why KD says over and over cook at home... unless the person cooking your food thinks he is in a restaurant and is adding entire sticks of butter to your food...

Tell him how much you love his food, first of all. And I'd factor in the fact that he is cooking dinner into the weeks's calories, so plan to eat lighter the next day, or go for a walk before dinner.

Is his mom heavy? Or have any health issues that are food-related? Maybe you could take that tack, to forestall the "mom" comments. It sounds like he feels rejected when you make comments about his cooking.

I'd address it at a time when you aren't eating what he made, too. Maybe you can also suggest that he make one higher cal item, and have a couple of lower-fat sides that you can eat more of.