Goals: 1. Stop thinking like a chronic dieter and start living to inspire. 2. HALT (hungry, anxious, lonely, tired) I will stop and tune in with myself should I experience these things, and respond with something healthy. 3. One word 2008: courage 4. Eat slow and mindfully.
Thanks to you all for your support! Well, I was feeling pretty mad for a while. But, I packed up six bags of clothing and dd and I went and dropped them off at Goodwill. We then had a late breakfast at IHOP, and while I was there started feeling upset again. But, despite that, I decided to go rent a carpet steamer. I came home, cleaned the dining room/steps/upstairs hallway with the steamer AND turned an IKEA entertainment center into a buffet for the dining room!! I am beat! But, I do feel better and plan to do the rest of the carpets tomorrow. I have decided that with this person it is best to not make advance plans and to wait until the day of. This is a friend who I believe may suffer from some minor depression and having grown up with a depressed mother who canceled plans all the time, I kind of get that. I went through some minor depression after my divorce and know how hard it was sometimes just to do something as simple as take a shower. I feel for this person, because depression can overtake your life. I am trying to look at this situation from the positive side. Because instead of being out having dinner and margheritas I am sitting in my living room watching The Wedding Singer-probably my favorite movie ever! DD is staying at my sister's house babysitting and b/f is out so I am alone. And I enjoy alone time and am relaxed and going to bed early.
Jill
Summer Challenge Goals: 1) Walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week 2) Plan weekly menus
Originally posted by jillybean: This is not the first time this has happened with the same person and i don't know why I feel so bad right now. Maybe because I believe that if you make a commitment, you keep it. I mean, I totally get it if someone is sick, or there is an emergency but bailing out on plans for some frivolous reason really bugs me.
I am SO this way too. I have to be REALLY sick or have the car break down on me or something to not keep a commitment that I had made previously and yet I know people who are SO cavalier about cancelling plans--and it drives me nuts.
A month or two ago, a coworker that I really like made the suggestion that we have dinner on one of my Friday nights in Virginia so that we have more time to talk (vs. lunch). So I kept setting up plans with her and she canceled on me a couple of times in a row. The last time, she sent me an email that said "I hope you haven't given up on me." and I replied "No, I haven't given up on you--but I will not ask you again. If you want us to have dinner, then you will need to do the asking." and I just left it alone. And a few weeks ago, she contactd ME to make plans for dinner and she stuck to them. And we had a lovely dinner 2 Fridays ago.
I had breakfast plans with another coworker this morning before I left Virginia. She has canceled on me so many times (nearly always at the last minute) that I kept my cell phone on all night and took a book into the IHOP with me in case I ended up eating breakfast alone. I'm sitting in the IHOP drinking tea and my cell rings and it's her...and I think "Here we go--what will the excuse be today." and surprisingly, she was parking her car outside the IHOP. Wow.
And this same person had canceled on group plans with other coworkers several times in a row so they stopped asking her. So, when I had breakfast with of those other coworkers 2 weeks ago, one of them told her that we were goign to meet for breakfast. I think her feelings were hurt, but you can't keep canceling on people (esp. at the last minute) and expect to keep getting invited. At least not IMHO.
Posts: 7131 | Location: Rehoboth Beach, DE | Registered: March 12, 2004
i have learned to just forgive people for not living up to my expectations. i do this because i expend energy, allowing the event to eat me up. so letting go is for me. my health, my peace of mind.
now...that does not mean i want the same scenario to keep repeating itself. i ask myself if i can tolerate the event repeating itself. if not, i just distance myself from this person. forgive, let go, and then make a choice that is healthier for me.
i am not perfect at this. i feel stepped on many times, but i have to say, i am getting better. progress is a good thing.
Goals: 1. Stop thinking like a chronic dieter and start living to inspire. 2. HALT (hungry, anxious, lonely, tired) I will stop and tune in with myself should I experience these things, and respond with something healthy. 3. One word 2008: courage 4. Eat slow and mindfully.
Originally posted by D in St Pete: I've come to learn that I can't hold other people to the standards I hold myself to. If I want to be a perfectionist and expect myself to be everything to everyone, okay. That's on me (and it's not healthy). But other people aren't me.
I've also done this. And there are times when I'm holding myself to a crazy, unrealistic standard (which eventually makes me resentful)... I hear you on the unhealthy thing.
I've been disappointed in people when they are being healthy and rational and saying no or getting out of an unrealistic commitment... and I'm being unhealthy and overextended and nuts.
Sort of like the PTA or church volunteer who puts in a 50 hour volunteer week... and then is mad and disappointed in everyone else's "apathy" or lack of commitment. Been on both sides of this one. Not a good place to be.
(PS... most of the people I know (in real life) who are like this... are overweight. I used to overextend myself... then "not have time to cook"... then get fast food... and literally be mad and dissappointed in the person who is late to a meeting because she had dinner with her family...)
Jill, that's really hard for me, too. I've come to learn that I can't hold other people to the standards I hold myself to. If I want to be a perfectionist and expect myself to be everything to everyone, okay. That's on me (and it's not healthy). But other people aren't me.
We have some friends who have ditched us last-minute for a couple of things now. We continue on and do what we planned, and don't invite them the next time. We still like them, they're still good people, but we know they're likely to bail at the last minute--so if it's something like a trip to Orlando, we plan to take separate cars in case they bail. If it's a trip to the market, we go when WE want to make purchases.
I don't know how to explain it, but...it's just people. Disappointment wastes my time, honestly, and I *never* want to make someone feel the way I have when people said they were disappointed in me. That stung me to the very center of my people-pleasing being.
So...it's just people. Some view commitments as important, and I know if they say, "Yes," they mean YES. Some view "Yes" the way I view "maybe." And some say "Yes" because they really want to but can't (or won't).
Expecting others to live up to *my* standards doesn't work--because I don't live up to their standards all the time, either. "I can't believe you didn't show up!" from me could just as easily be seen from their side as, "I can't believe you thought a 'maybe' was a commitment!"
Do your Goodwill thing. I didn't get help planting my sunflower seedlings this morning, even though he said he'd help. They're in the ground, and I'm pleased with the work *I* did.
Challenge Goals: *10 minutes of unplanned exercise five times a week *Gym time twice a week *Socialize at least once every two weeks.
I think that disappointment is sort of a fact of life and a component of human relationships. People disappoint me sometimes. I disappoint people sometimes. Sometimes I get mad or hurt and then let it go. Sometimes, I get mad and hurt and stew on it for a day… or more (but hopefully, not). Sort of depends on the disappointment and the person doing it and how I’m feeling on any particular day.
quote:
Originally posted by jillybean: This is not the first time this has happened with the same person and i don't know why I feel so bad right now.
I get together with a group of old friends every December, for dinner. We had one friend who bailed on us 2-3 years in a row. We stopped including her in the emails. She had (lame, in our opinion) excuses for why she couldn’t get together… but was probably sending us a message of, I’m not interested in you people any more. Eventually, we got the message.
On the other hand, I have another friend… and in 16 years, she has never been on time to anything… is totally flaky… and I’m still friends with her because I’ve pretty much accepted the terms of the relationship. She’s a VERY nice person and fun to be around… and I totally know what to expect and if I expected something different… I’d be very disappointed. But I’m seldom disappointed… but took me a while to figure it out.
RE: your situation today… you can decide if it is a “Ughhhhhh! I’m sitting on the couch and vegging the rest of the day” disappointment… or an “OK… I’ve vented… I’m moving on and putting the bags in the car and driving to Goodwill!”. SOME disappointments are of the “Sit on the couch for the next 6 hours” kind. But many are not.
How do you deal with someone who disappoints you? And this is not really someone I can eliminate from my life(and I don't mean in a Mafia sort-of way 'cause I think that is how that sounded ) This is not the first time this has happened with the same person and i don't know why I feel so bad right now. Maybe because I believe that if you make a commitment, you keep it. I mean, I totally get it if someone is sick, or there is an emergency but bailing out on plans for some frivolous reason really bugs me. I know I used to have a hard time saying no and have gotten pretty selective about what I say yes to. Maybe this person is not there yet and I am trying to understand.
I have plans for today to steam clean my carpets and take about 6 bags of clothes to Goodwill and now after that phone call I just want to sit here and be mad. I am trying, very hard, to get myself moving and not dwell on this.
Jill
Summer Challenge Goals: 1) Walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week 2) Plan weekly menus
Today would have been my son's 9th birthday. I am sad. I cried all through church yesterday and last night we watched his video.
Bri... I knew that it would be your son's birthday soon, and I certainly appreciate your thoughts and hugs. I am sending some your way also. I know it is much more difficult when your loved one was your child. I can not express my sympathy for you and your husband.
Thank you to everyone else for your kind thoughts.
i am one continuous thigh. if you look at the women in my family, we are shaped this way. we are built to make babies that can thrive in the mountains of mongolia. need i say more? even my amazingly stunning cousins who look like supermodels...after there first baby, i know we are start to morph into the mongolians women of the mountains.
i have learned to embrace that little inner mongolian inside of me.
Goals: 1. Stop thinking like a chronic dieter and start living to inspire. 2. HALT (hungry, anxious, lonely, tired) I will stop and tune in with myself should I experience these things, and respond with something healthy. 3. One word 2008: courage 4. Eat slow and mindfully.
The therapist who does 15-minute chair massages in my office every other Friday gave a little bag of cards from which to choose my "word of the day." I picked Gratitude. How appropriate, since I am so very grateful to have cyber friends who give me loving support even when I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself. And can I just say, I get so much inspiration from the way you all deal with the curveballs life throws at us. You guys are the best.
Originally posted by D in St Pete: But those same size people, in clothes that fit, I do not think a thing about.
I also notice ill fitting clothing- especially the muffin tops. Mostly when I see a big muffin top I am struck with how uncomfortable it must be. I HATE wearing clothing that is not comfortable- It amazes me how well a woman can look at almost any size with clothing that fits well.
But I'm not happy with how I look in shorts or bathing suits (admittedly, what woman is?) so I keep trying to get rid of the belly and thigh fat. That's where I see the benefit in losing those last five pounds.
I'm not at my goal weight. But there are some things that just ARE. I do have hips. If I focus on just my hips, I will see huge hips that are far too huge and will be huge for as long as huge is huge.
Or...I can look at what happens because of them. My waist looks very tiny. I have an hourglass shape that's pretty even (now) on the top and bottom--it's an attractive shape, if I do say so myself. Sure, thighs are part of the package, and so is some belly, but, eh, it evens out. And they make swimsuits that suck in the parts I'd be too tired to suck in all day and hold up the parts that need support.
I don't want to ruin a day at the beach or scuba diving EVER again by spending the whole time worrying about how I look. It was pointed out to me that most other women are too worried about how THEY look to worry about how I look. I guess what I'm saying is...you're the only one who cares, really. Your husband? Thinks you're gorgeous. Your kid? Today, maybe too embarrassed to be seen with you, but it's not because of your thighs. Tomorrow, loves you and thinks you're the best thing ever. Your friends? Happy to be around you, and want you to be happy. Strangers? Will probably pay more attention to you laughing and having fun than they ever would your thighs.
I admit to thinking, "Wow. Now THAT is a muffin top," when I see certain people in the store or whatever. But those same size people, in clothes that fit, I do not think a thing about. They're just people in the grocery store. If you aren't turning your thighs into a fashion disaster--no one else notices them.
Challenge Goals: *10 minutes of unplanned exercise five times a week *Gym time twice a week *Socialize at least once every two weeks.
I just wanted to chime in and say that I think even those small changes are really great Susan. I would love to just get to a healthy weight and be physically fit so I applaud you for not only getting there years ago and staying there, but you've improved!!! That is a success!
Jill
Summer Challenge Goals: 1) Walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week 2) Plan weekly menus
I don't even care about clothing size... since I wear a 6, 4, or 2... depending on the brand and the store. I'd set myself up for some serious depression if I expected to ALWAYS wear a 2
I meant my own stuff in my closet now. If my usual jeans start feeling tight, I know I have a problem regardless of what the scale might say.
The size variation in brands is just ridiculous in women's clothing! Dh doesn't seem to have the same problem with men's stuff!
summer 7 challenge goals: - Meditate every day - Start the day with positive imagery and self talk Out of our beliefs are born deeds; out of our deeds we form habits; out of our habits grows our character; and on our character we build our destiny.
But I'm not happy with how I look in shorts or bathing suits (admittedly, what woman is?) so I keep trying to get rid of the belly and thigh fat. That's where I see the benefit in losing those last five pounds.
I carry my weight in my thighs and butt. If I lost 5 (or even 10 pounds) it wouldn't come off of those areas.
Where we carry our weight is genetic and unfortunately we can't decide where we're going to lose from.
I'm not thrilled with my legs either but I try to focus on what they allow me to do - run, lift, play, etc... They are strong legs and serve me well, cellulite or not ; )
You are in a "normal" healthy range for everything - weight, body fat (and I would probably bet your blood pressure, cholesterol, etc are good too). Sounds to me like you are doing really really well Susan.
summer 7 challenge goals: - Meditate every day - Start the day with positive imagery and self talk Out of our beliefs are born deeds; out of our deeds we form habits; out of our habits grows our character; and on our character we build our destiny.
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