I am going through some personal stuff right now. Not anything terrible but enough to make me feel sad and spend a lot of time worrying. I typically don't want to eat when I feel down. My normal behavior is to "stress eat" once the problem is gone and I am feeling that rush of relief. Right now i want to eat, and not healthy stuff either. Yesterday I had a McSkillet Burrito and hash brown from McD's and last night we ordered Chinese and then late last night I ate a pack of Tastykakes. Up until yesterday I have been doing so well. Eating a lot better, exercising almost every day. Before, during those times when I would eat AFTER the problem went away I usually felt so much better to no longer have the stress that I didn't care what I ate. I have been the queen of excuses for years as to why I don't lose. I don't want this stress to de-rail me. Yesterday was bad enough and I ate way too much junk. I finally feel like I've gotten myself into the mindset that I can do this, no more excuses. I would love to go downstairs right now and eat and eat and eat but I am trying hard to not do that. To add to it is the fact that I have increased hours in my office for the next two weeks because our other employee is on vacation. I always have either time in the morning or time in the afternoon to walk and now I am working 7-5 or 6 so I have to either get up earlier or go at night.
I have been watching the reality show Work Out. It is a great show, a lot of drama and craziness, but fun to watch AND quite motivating in regard to working out/eating healthy. They have a group of overweight people that they call the Sky Lab group. They do group workouts and then also meet with individual trainers during the week. There is one girl who is very, very heavy and she is in her 20's. She smokes, she drinks, she overeats. She is very unhealthy. They had a group therapy session at a weekend retreat and the other Sky Lab members really attacked her because she was forever whining and complaining and always had excuses as to why she couldn't work out, why she couldn't eat right, etc. She had a huge fight with her trainer and blamed him for not being there for her and a whole host of other excuses. And I had a light bulb moment and thought-OMG, I have been making excuses for years and I will never, ever lose weight if I keep making excuses. Bad relationships, no time to exercise, it's easier to get food at a drive-thru, etc, etc, etc.
This stress is temporary, I know that. And just because I feel bad right now does not mean that I should treat myself poorly. I am trying so hard to tell myself that I am worth more than feeding my body junk food and not exercising, despite any problems I am having. I still want to stress eat, but I am fighting it with all I have because if I go downstairs and eat junk or overeat anything, I am going to feel even worse.
I know you all can relate, so what better place to post. Thanks for listening.
Jill
Summer Challenge Goals: 1) Walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week 2) Plan weekly menus
So...I don't know. Do you have to BE in the right place to fix it, or does fixing it help you get to the right place?
Both of these things have been true for me at different times.
I am lucky to have summers off when I have very little stress. Last summer was when I really learned and practiced Beck. I took time every morning above and beyond my usual to read and deal with the new skills. This fall and winter I benefited from having taken time to "fix" stuff around my food thinking.
I think of my "clean eating" work during low stress times as my insurance policy. I am building up stamina, confidence, grace and muscle to resist when the going gets tough. I have to call in the policy when life gets bumpy. But usualy my "premium" is paid and I am able to get though the emergeny with little to no stress eating damage.
I also have found it to be super satisfying to "just do it" and act rightly even under great stress. I think, though, that having times of low stress when I practice good, appropriate eating behavior helps me under pressure.
I think this is a complicated issue. People come with so many messages and deeply rutted patterns that are often never questioned. Ten years ago I would have thought it aweful to toss away homemade cookies because they were great and from a dear neighbor or whatever. Today I would toss them most of the time and I would know that I was doing something loving and right. (Kinda like kd tossing the cake.) As a kid, it was unthinkable to toss food. Everything was eaten immediately or saved and eaten later. It took me until age 33/34 to even get to the point where I questioned the idea that food is saved.
Not saying it's easy to do, overcoming your body's genetic chemistry, but it is possible.
Right...and I'm not saying that if your life is falling apart, you should mentally berate yourself for eating ice cream.
But if there's a threatening incident at your daughter's school, and you want a sleeve of Oreos, and eat 2...then that's great. Maybe you don't eat ANY! And you've won a small battle, and will (hopefully) remember it the next time something stressful comes along.
Like...I used to go to McDonald's when I left the grocery store because it was RIGHT THERE and that way, I didn't have to cook! Except I chose not to do it ONE TIME...and I haven't done it since (close to 5 years now). And so I don't associate grocery shopping with McDonald's anymore. If you can, JUST ONCE, associate stress with...a walk outside, watching "Legally Blonde," getting a pedicure, journaling, or any of 1,000 other healthy things, then the next time, it's a little easier.
I talked to my mom this evening, who has had a really, truly stressful week. *I* cry thinking about what she's dealt with this week, and I'm hundreds of miles away AND she won't talk about it. And I know she didn't stress eat, because she's never done that. I'm pretty sure she slept more than usual, cried when no one was looking, and was unusually difficult at work. Because that's how she deals with stress.
But, I'm also pretty sure that my dad has been eating extra ice cream at night and drinking an extra beer or glass of wine in the evenings. He's probably made some higher-fat foods, too, because he's done that in the past when he's stressed. And my dad's had weight problems since his mid-30s; mom's never had them (other than the typical metabolism slow-down).
So...I don't know. Do you have to BE in the right place to fix it, or does fixing it help you get to the right place?
Challenge Goals: *10 minutes of unplanned exercise five times a week *Gym time twice a week *Socialize at least once every two weeks.
I'm sure I won't get the science on this exactly right, but I know I've read about hormonal responses to stress making us crave carbohydrates. Our bodies are still biologically programmed with the "fight or flight" response our prehistoric ancestors had. We don't have to outrun saber-tooth tigers any more, but our bodies respond to stress the same way -- "give me the food that will make me run faster!"
So there is a good reason why you feel better, at least temporarily, after you stress-eat. The difference, of course, is that our brains are more highly developed now and can tell us that we don't need cookies or ice cream to deal with a bad boss or an inconsiderate spouse or heavy traffic or a loved one's illness or whatever. We know those things are not life-threatening, even if our adrenalin doesn't recognize that.
Not saying it's easy to do, overcoming your body's genetic chemistry, but it is possible.
I'm not sure I could have broken the cycle of stress eating when I was in the midsts of these major life altering events but I do think it was totally worth working on when things were going pretty well and I had the emotional energy to devote to getting through the Beck book.
I don't do well learning new skills when I am under pressure (stressed).
I have to learn and practice them when I have mental and emotional energy to do so.
I am a teacher. Kids generally don't learn when they are strained. Adults generally don't either. Just my experience.
This is why I encouraged Jill to toss the fudge. She's not particularly stressed about the fudge and is likely in a place to toss it. Why not practice keeping a clean freezer when you can?
IMHO, healthy eating and weight loss takes lots of trial and error. Practice.
I am not excusing eating while under lots of stress, but I see how it is way more tempting to do so.
I remember posting about 3 years ago about eating a sleeve of oreo cookies because dd's school had a threatening incident. I sort of thought that was ok and normal because of the stress. Today I have a totally different take on it. Eating the cookies made me was less able to think clearly. I am so grateful that I have practiced not stress eating (or at least minimizing it) so that I can cope with difficult situations. The oreos made me nutty and clouded and overly dramatic. Seriously...they made the situation worse. Thinking back, stress eating seems to have always made me more stressed and unhappy. I tend to really dislike myself and bash myself when I overeat.
As far as calling someone out on overeating or stress eating---
I stay away from it unless I am asked or I am in a place/forum where people are working toward weight loss and healthy behaviors. Sometimes on this board I have said stuff to people who seem to be overeating and I have wondered how it's been received. Maybe people here don't want to be called out? I am not sure. I want to be gently confronted about unheathy eating on this board--- that's why I show up here. Anyway... I am wondering if others don't want that? Or if they only want it when they are specific about asking for advice/opinions?
On the other hand, it did make it that much harder to lose later and it really was a crappy coping strategy.
I didn't want to be the one to bring this up because IN THERAPY...
I feel like I say that a lot.
I wonder if you'd intervene with someone who was drinking a lot in reaction to a very stressful event. Or someone who was yelling at their kids. Or kicking puppies. You get the idea.
If you deal with small stresses by eating, you'll probably deal with big ones the same way. Learning to deal with small stress in a "healthy" way (venting, journaling, screaming in the backyard, crying into a pillow, etc) equips you to deal with bigger stresses.
I remember when her dad died, my mom did a shot of whiskey for the first time that I'd ever seen (I was 20). Just one, but it was "enough" to take the edge off so she could sleep. In that same vein, I think eating too much after a funeral, or eating a bowl of ice cream at your favorite place, is okay. While it's harder to address, I know that TJ has said to me lately, "Are we getting ice cream because it's on your plan or because you're stressed?" Mostly...because I'm stressed. And I know he's saying it from a place of love and compassion, so my anger at being called out on a behavior lasts about 20 seconds, then 20 minutes of embarrassment, then a lot of gratitude.
I think you have to be careful and tactful, but within the boundaries of a close relationship, I don't believe it's "wrong" to point out unhelpful coping skills. Directing someone to stop probably isn't going to help, but gently pointing it out seems well within the "obligations" of good friendship, spouses, and maybe some parents/children.
Challenge Goals: *10 minutes of unplanned exercise five times a week *Gym time twice a week *Socialize at least once every two weeks.
And maybe the “I ate this, but I’m stressed…” is sort of like the universal “BACK OFF and LEAVE ME ALONE about it” signal?
This rings very true to me.
I gained all kinds of extra weight after Colin died and re-gained ten pounds of my lost weight when my mil was dying.
There is no way in h*ll that I would have reacted well to someone telling me to back off the food.
On the other hand, it did make it that much harder to lose later and it really was a crappy coping strategy.
I'm not sure I could have broken the cycle of stress eating when I was in the midsts of these major life altering events but I do think it was totally worth working on when things were going pretty well and I had the emotional energy to devote to getting through the Beck book.
Getting through a hospitalization, a close family member's funeral and surgery in the past year has proven to me that it was possible to break the stress eating habit and I'm really glad that I did.
PS You all have my permission to call me out if it looks like I'm stress eating no matter what the circumstance ; )
Out of our beliefs are born deeds; out of our deeds we form habits; out of our habits grows our character; and on our character we build our destiny.
This is a super point and you are 100% right that most people aren't going to call out a super stressed out person on their over eating.
Maybe we should though!
I don't know... I've been away from the computer and thinking about this all morning...
I was actually thinking sort of along Mary Jo's post (before I ever saw her post) that I sure don't want anybody posting, "Did you really HAVE to eat egg salad with full fat mayo on white bread after your grandmother’s memorial service???? Wasn‘t there a green salad???? Could you have brought whole wheat bread, at least?”
And I was thinking a LOT about the months when your mil was dying and I watched you just stress eat and stress eat and stress eat… and actually I felt so bad for you that there were literally times that *I* wanted to stress eat because I felt so sad for you… seriously.
I could smack myself around and say, “OK me [Denise] stress eating over Brie’s mil is just CRAZY”… but I’m not sure at what point YOU stress eating over your mil was "crazy"… and WHEN do you call a person on it? And actually, I was really worried about you stress eating and gaining… and at some point… you had to get a grip… but I wasn’t at all sure about when that was.
Over the years… I’ve seen you post about stress eating from everything to “I won a flight lesson at a silent auction and ate candy before going up because I was so nervous and stressed” to stress eating over a death in the family. Personally, I thought the candy before the air plane flight was a pretty nutty use of a stress eating rationalization , and stress really was an “excuse” to eat candy… but a death in the family OBVIOUSLY is a whole other situation.
Maybe an analogy might be birthday cake. I AM going to eat birthday cake on my kid’s birthday. Period. No discussion. Nobody is going to convince me not to have a piece of cake a few different days of the year. However, at the other extreme, if I go buy a cake tonight and stick candles on it and put some ice cream with it… because it is somebody’s birthday… that is a pretty lame and nutty excuse for cake and ice cream… so on the birthday continuum… where do we draw the line? A relative’s birthday? My best friend’s birthday? A good friend? A friend? And acquaintance? The 2nd grade teacher at school, who I literally don’t know her name? What is a “good” birthday cake “excuse” (or realistically NOT an “excuse”)? And when is “but it was a birthday party” a REALLY, REALLY lame excuse to eat cake?
And, realistically, there ARE some stressful days… where cake IS going to be eaten… and any normal, healthy person would be eating cake and shedding some tears with their mom… and there are times where people concoct a leap of logic and use stress as an excuse to eat.
Also, I was thinking about the thread a few months back of “Do you want to be pushed?” and at what point does a person want to be pushed or not pushed… And we all respond to stress differently… And maybe the “I ate this, but I’m stressed…” is sort of like the universal “BACK OFF and LEAVE ME ALONE about it” signal?
Originally posted by MaryJo: Neighbors and friends were all very kind and dropped off sweets of every kind and mom and I had tears, tea and cake. Several times a day in fact. I didn't feel badly.
For what ever it is worth, I would have done the EXACT same thing. And I wouldn't have felt guilty about it either.
Mary Jo, I'm so very sorry to hear about you losing your father. These days following a loss, in my experience, are very unpredictable and unsettling. What makes/made me feel better one day, felt horrible the next and everything in between. Take the very best care of yourself you can and be ever so gentle with yourself and your loved ones.
Mary Jo, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It's so hard to lose a parent. I hope your happy memories and your family's support will help you through this difficult time. And of course, we're here, too.
Just chiming in here a little late. All of my life my mother made us feel better with sweets. Mostly cakes and puddings. She is a nurturer by nature and her way to make people happy was in the kitchen. When we were sick it was tea and toast......toast made from Challah bread with tons of butter. She often baked a cake at night and of course we would have some with milk before bed, but would wake up for school to that same cake, toasted with butter. When we were really good.....cookies or cake. When we had a bad day.....cookies or cake.
I am currently going through a tough time. My dad has been in declining health for a long time but two weeks ago took a very bad turn. He wound up in the hospital and on life support. Anyway, my dad passed away this past Saturday. One of the worst days of my life. Neighbors and friends were all very kind and dropped off sweets of every kind and mom and I had tears, tea and cake. Several times a day in fact. I didn't feel badly. I knew the stress would pass. I made sure I was up very early in the morning and did my two mile walk/run since I couldn't go to the gym. I was at her house for a week and a half.
I am home now, with my kids and back to almost normal. I still feel my grief, but went right back to the gym and am pushing myself to focus on all of the things I need to do and immediately went back to journaling my food.
I have decided that when I am feeling horrible, I need to channel that energy on aerobic activities that will push me through the moment and afterwards feel really good because it was a very positive way to help myself both physically and emotionally.
I am glad I had tea and cake with my mom. She needed it and so did I. Several times a day, and I knew it might put me a few steps behind but as long as I was mindful of it and comitted to stop I knew I would be ok. I knew it was just for a brief period and I was exercising in the meantime.
So, I guess I don't recommend stress eating, but sometimes it is too hard to fight and not worth it. The running felt good, the tea and cake felt good and it made my mom feel better and me too.
Also, I have started keeping treats in the house for the kids that I don't necessarily like, so I am less inclined to eat them in a bad moment.
Posts: 1366 | Location: West Florida | Registered: March 12, 2004
I was thinking about the stress eating thing and how more than likely most of us stress eat junk food/candy/etc. And I thought about times that I did stress eat, whether it was during the stressful time or after. I realized that even if what I ate tasted great (or I thought so at the time) I would never remember it because all I would remember is the stress. I would much rather indulge in really great chocolate, or a go to a favorite restaurant at a time when I am in a good place mentally so I can actually enjoy what I am eating and remember it, rather than scarfing down a lb. of chocolate in 5 minutes or less and not really being able to savor and enjoy the taste and the experience (not that I would eat a lb of chocolate in one sitting!! ).
Jill
Summer Challenge Goals: 1) Walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week 2) Plan weekly menus
Originally posted by iz: i was thinking--when did the connection with food begin? i mean, i remember a time in my life when i had a tough day and i would say to myself "darn it, i had a hell of a day.... i think i am going to lay on the couch and watch Dallas re-runs." somewhere along the lines, it turned into "gee i had a terrible day, i think i deserve 5 bowls of ice cream." now, i am slowly inching my way back to the Dallas re-runs...
1. For me, is was partly financial. I haven’t always been able to afford 5 cups of ice cream. One of dh’s and my favorite meals for a BUNCH of time was something we called “Slop”. It was one minced sausage, rice, lentils or beans, tomato sauce… all put in a casserole and baked… and we ate that a LOT. I’d get 6 servings from one sausage. I remember a time when a treat was going out and splitting a McDonald’s sundae on Friday nights because we didn’t have enough $$$ to each have our own. (ah the good old days! When we were both a healthy weight…)
There were many years where I found plenty of free guilty pleasures… like watching Dallas re-runs with no ice cream. I know that I didn’t start stress eating until we had extra $$$ to blow on chips or ice cream.
Also, since I didn’t drive and own a car until relatively late… (like age 32 or 33)… MOST of my stress got walked off.
2. I also think that eating for stress relief is a learned behavior. Stress is often a bonding experience between coworkers. It is really common, especially for single people in their 20’s, to go out after work for drinks… and appetizer platters… after a stressful week. I suppose, once people have kids and can't go socialize away our stress… many of us take to the couch with 5 cups of ice cream.
But, even now, I can ALWAYS find a co-worker who will “normalize” stress eating and use it as an excuse to eat.
3. I know that for me depression was a huge factor in my stress eating. I know that depressed people will often think that some pretty irrational thinking is “normal”. Like eating half a cake because I’m a wreck will make things “better”. I’ve read that MANY overweight people are also depressed.
It may also be that seritonun thing… and I literally think that I had something of a self medication thing going. I also think that many people from alcoholic families or with alcoholic genes are stress eaters. My other family members have drank and used drugs… and I never have… but I think that my drug of choice was chocolate. And I learned fast that chocolate makes you feel better. I don’t think that I’m alone in this.
4. I’ve noticed from posting for 4.5 years on weight loss/maint board… stress gets sympathy... and for many people stress is a valid reason to eat. And if you can somehow connect your eating to “sadness”, you can get lots and lots of hugs and validation that “I know how that is…” and there is a group contract that... "well... if you are under stress... your eating is understandable". We've all been there.
I also know that many stress eaters can make some far fetched “logical” conclusions… I’m right there, believe me! I recently had the though process of:
There was recently a HUGE earthquake in China. I was in the ‘89 Loma Prieta quake in the San Francisco Bay Area and my bil missed being killed in the Cypress Structure collapse by about 90 seconds… so this feels very close to home. I live in earthquake country and we are told all the time to expect “the big one” anytime in the next 30 years… and we are often told what “the big one” means. So, I hear about the China quake and think, “Wow… that could be me”. And then I think, that I have several Chinese students and I really hope that none of them had families in the quake… and it is just sooooo very, very sad.
Wow, this is overwhelming… I want to eat cookies.
I could go post on the WW board right now… that “I don’t know what I was thinking… but I bought a package of Oreos and every time I see a piece on the news… it makes me so sad… and I end up eating a few cookies”. (I didn’t in real life… but I DID think the first part… and then go “I want cookies” but then I went, “That’s stupid and won’t fix anything” and didn’t buy any cookies. Also, in real life I have intentionally not watched the news at all and have been totally avoiding the quake story.)
And I’d get tons of, “Hugs… and OMG! Me too.” I might get a couple people to say “Throw away the cookies!”. But NOBODY would say: First, turn off the TV! Second, throw away the cookies. And third, that is the most illogical logic I have ever heard! Quake in China. You were once in a quake. Now you are eating cookies. Listen to your reasoning… it makes NO sense. You have made a leap from a quake on the other side of the globe… to you must eat cookies. That is just CRAZY. Go donate your cookie money to a relief organization.
But nobody would EVER say that to me. Instead if we can tie eating to stress or sadness… and add in “and somehow… now have cookies in front of me” (like maybe I’m in a daze and confused about how cookies came into the house), we get a lot of “I know how you feel… I’m up 5-10 lbs too since _____”
Nobody ever says… OK… I’m sorry that you are sad, I really am… but you DID know what you were thinking when you bought the cookies. You decided to put them in the cart, and take them to the register, and pay for them, and you decided to eat them.
Stress eating for MANY, MANY people the VERY last “acceptable” weight/food excuse that they hold on to. I know that it was for me. I also know that statistically, it is the NUMBER ONE predictor of weight re-gain.
Also, Iz, I know that for me… stress eating was a huge factor in me gaining weight… and I had been a healthy weight and it was stress eating that got me to obese. I think that is true for many people.
But when getting back to a healthy weight, ALL of the other excuses may get tossed out… I can TOTALLY get that spaghetti and a chicken breast and Caesar salad at Olive garden is going to add up to 2,000 calories and I should eat at home. I can get that I probably did NOT burn 500 calories on the elliptical yesterday, even if the machine said I did… so I can’t reward my self with 1,000 cals in snacks to recover from my workout. I can get that piles of “healthy” food, is going to make me gain weight.
But I can still rationalize that stress or sadness is a “good” excuse. And emotional eating is still acceptable and nobody is going to push me really hard for doing it… even if I’m gaining 5, 10, 20 or 50 lbs… I think that it is the very last area where we can “fool ourselves”. For me, stress eating was the hardest bad eating habit to unlearn. I think that it is VERY tough. But I think that we get lots of positive reinforcement for stress eating.
And this is kind of mean, but I’ve never seen anybody post… OK, THAT is the LAMEST excuse to eat that I have ever heard or read! (although I‘ve thought it… ). I have seen some of the craziest leaps of logic to create an excuse for stress eating… but if somebody posts that it is causing them stress… and making them eat… it is sort of sacred cow. If I can rationalize my eating with stress (and better yet, sadness or a trauma from the past… no matter how flimsy the excuse is)… probably nobody will call me on it.
And not to beat up on Jill AT ALL! (she just happened to start the thread and make me think about humans in general )… and I don’t want to dissuade anybody from posting… “I’m under stress… and really want to eat”. I’ve done it myself… and it REALLY, REALLY helps. And I think that stress eating IS hard… because I think that there is a biological component to it… and we are hard wired to do it. And even I don’t want to post on some hard ass board… and we all do need sympathy sometimes! And it makes for good conversation about why we do it… and when is it an “excuse” and how to get out of that vicious loop.
But I do find it fascinating that stress eating is the number one predictor of weight re-gain. And it is also the number one “acceptable” excuse, and for many of us… the last blind spot.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: GoingSkiing,
Originally posted by GoingSkiing: [...] And some part of it is subconscious and we have beliefs or motives that we may not even be aware of. Some of us have habits that go back decades and decades and decades and may have no idea where they come form. Some of us have beliefs that were instilled in us decades earlier and they have been a part of for sooooo long that it is practically a fundamental part of who we “are”. [...]
hehehe-this really has nothing to do with stress eating but this paragraph made me think of a funny story.
A man was watching his wife prepare a fresh ham for cooking and when she cut the small end off he asked "Why do you do that when you bake a ham?" She thought about it for a minute and said "I don't know. It is just the way my mother always did it. I will call her and ask." So after she got the ham in the oven she called her mother and asked her "Why do we cut the end off of a ham before we bake it?" and her mother replied "Well, I don't know why you do it, dear, but I did it to make it fit the pan."
It just goes to show that there are lots of things that we automatically do and have no idea why we do them.
1. do 4 laps on walking track without "resting" 2. do 1 mile (17laps) in 20 minutes (3miles per hour)
Posts: 3889 | Location: NE Atlanta (Chamblee, Doraville, Norcross, Duluth) | Registered: March 15, 2004
, and stress really was an “excuse” to eat candy… but a death in the family OBVIOUSLY is a whole other situation.
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