I've been replying to topics for a few days but I guess I haven't introduced myself properly. Hi! I'm Lena, I'm twenty-nine years old, I live in Chicago, and I'm getting married in less than a month. (ACK!)
I've had weight problems since I hit puberty. Part of it was a lack of activity, but most of it was about food. I knew what I ought to be eating, but my mother is, shall we say, not a very good cook and so I didn't know that the right foods could actually taste good; I fled the bland-o-rama at home and took refuge in fast food and junk food. There was a limit to that until I left for college-- at which point I discovered that hey, I could buy all the Doritos and Ben & Jerry's I wanted, and nobody could tell me otherwise! I lived on take-out pizza for at least three years of college, and some dinners would be-- literally!-- a bag of Doritos and a 2-liter of Coke. Often this would be on top of some take-out food.
Somewhere along the line, I turned into a binge eater. Not only had I never learned how to cook, but I'd never learned how to pamper myself or comfort myself in any way that didn't involve curling up in front of the TV with something oh-so-bad for me, eating myself sick. I got so out of touch with my emotions, I didn't even connect what was going on in my head to the ton of food I'd find myself eating. Heck, most of the time I didn't really know there was anything wrong with me; I'd successfully insulated myself with food and barely noticed my emotions. If I was lonely, or depressed, or stressed out, it wouldn't really make an impact on my mind, but strangely I'd find myself eating both pizzas that I'd ordered even when I'd intended to save one for the next day.
Oh, these were bad times. I'd try to diet but it just wouldn't work because food was my only comfort and my only solace and I was so used to not feeling my own emotions that taking away the food meant diving into this huge awful mess of feelings that scared me half to death. I couldn't deal with that, so I'd always go back to the way I was eating before.
I started dating my fiance' about three years ago. I hadn't expected to find anybody-- heck, one of the reasons I was reluctant to try losing weight was that I assumed that I'd eventually get fat again (since, of course, I always did) and what would be the use of getting thin to find a man only to have him turn on me and leave me when I inevitably gained the weight back? I was pretty heavy when we started dating, and things went from bad to worse at that point because he's a fabulous cook. Not only did I not lose my old habits, but suddenly I had a brand new source of fabulous bad-for-me food.
In October of 2003 I hit rock-bottom. I was the heaviest I'd ever been. I had constant acid reflux. I was tired all the time. When I'd crouch down to clean the cats' litterbox, it felt like the skin on my legs was going to pop from the additional pressure on all that fat. I was supposed to be the maid of honor for a friend's wedding in April and I'd been ducking the issue of shopping for dresses because I couldn't bear the idea of going into a shop where nothing would fit and anything that would fit would look awful and where there would be all those full-length mirrors to mock me. I went to my annual gyn exam and my doctor shook her head over my weight; my shame at that was the last straw. When I got home, I went online and checked out WeightWatchers.
Over the next six months, I lost sixty pounds. My fiance' (who at the time was just my boyfriend) completely changed his style of cooking to accomodate me. I started exercising on New Year's Day 2004 with the grim determination that I would do something every single day because otherwise I knew what would happen-- once I gave myself permission to take a day off, the one day off would become the rest of the week and then I'd never get started again. (That was what happened all the other times, after all.) I read everything I could on losing weight and watched the Food Network obsessively, learning the basics of how to cook via Alton Brown and eventually finding my way to Cooking Thin. We slowly started shifting away from "lightened-up junk food" and into actual healthy eating-- fruits and vegetables and whole grains.
As I mentioned on another thread, the one problem was that I hadn't really dealt with the way I'd used food as my one comfort and my way of keeping myself happily insulated away from my emotions. Experiencing my emotions again was just plain weird-- I had no idea what was going on with me, just that I'd start acting strangely. I had to learn to diagnose my emotions based on the way I was acting. And in the middle of all of this, the binging came back. I was terrified that all my hard work was going to be for nothing and that this would just be a thin interlude in an otherwise fat life.
Luckily, I stumbled onto a book on binge eating and started the long process of fixing that problem. After six months, I'm finally at the point where I can recognize what my negative emotions are and do things that will really fix them, instead of walling off the emotion with food. I've carefully studied the way other people ("normal" people) eat, compared my style of no-holds-barred charging through one dish at a time, and worked hard to make changes in how I eat. I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting my arms around this thing; for the first time ever, this month I've found myself starting on a food binge and then turning away from it, dissatisfied, in order to engage in an activity that I've discovered will really make me feel better. It's a huge thing for me. Truly amazing.
So. That's me. I'm a shameless pedometer pusher-- I got one for Christmas and have found it invaluable in incorporating fitness into my life rather than have it just one hour a day. I love to cook and I spend most evenings in the kitchen with my fiance'. I'm a runner and I do yoga three times a week (I'm finally becoming flexible for the first time in my whole life!). I've started taking "dance breaks" during my work day; closing the door and turning up the music and dancing around my office like a crazy silly thing really helps decrease stress and elevate my mood. That's about it for my story; tell me about yourselves!
Posts: 149 | Location: Chicago | Registered: January 24, 2005
WElcome Lena, so glad to have you hear with us. This is the greatest group of people to support, help, advise and comfort you that we could find! Use them when you need them and be here when you need/want some pats on the back. Loosing weight isn't easy, but, it can be done, and we are proving it everyday. So stick with us babe, and you'll get there. Stay stress free in the next month before your wedding, stress is a reason most of us find to eat.....remember you are worth everything you've done for yourself thus far.
Have a great weekend. Cathy J
It's never too late to get it right.
Posts: 3473 | Location: Central USA | Registered: March 11, 2004
Hi and welcome, Lena! I'm Sheri, a 52-yo single woman who lives just outside of Washington, DC (originally from Ohio). As you may have read in today's homework thread, my journey to better health began in 2003 (found CT in the spring but didn't actually get started until summer). I've been at this over 1 1/2 years now and have lost about 35 pounds. I have had several long periods where I don't lose weight, even though I continue to eat healthy and work out, which is obviously very frustrating. I am currently about halfway to my goal weight. I am sincerely hoping that I can get back to losing weight in 2005 and be back on my way to my goal.
Glad to have you here...you have already had great successes and have a great deal of knowledge...I am already very much enjoying what you bring to the group. Welcome again!
Personal Healthy Habits Challenge - 10/1 to 12/31/08: 1. Exercise: Get back to consistently working out 3-5 X week. 2. Food: Get back to consistently preparing healthy lunches for the week with increased veg servings. 3. Behavior: Reduce intake of sweets.
Posts: 7298 | Location: Rehoboth Beach, DE | Registered: March 12, 2004
I had seen your replies on a few threads. I haven't been responding as much as usual, just been one of those crazy weeks. I used to binge a lot as well. Do you remember the book you had found? I would be interested in reading it.
Hi, Laurie! It was "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Christopher Fairburn (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0898621798/qid=1106933544/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/103-1001268-3859000). It served as a really good starting point-- made me start studying the way I ate, the reasons I ate, all that sort of thing. It prompted me to actively try to find out what emotions were driving my binging and how to deal with them in more productive ways. Granted, it's taken a while to see results, and I fell off every wagon I could for a while there (except exercise-- that's the one thing I managed to keep constant this past year!), but long-term the work is helping to change me into a much healthier person on all accounts.
Hooray for WATP! I've heard a lot about that program. If I didn't already have a treadmill I'd be on that in a minute!
-Lena
Posts: 149 | Location: Chicago | Registered: January 24, 2005
I'm Dawn, I'm 36, married and the mother of a 6 yo son. We are native Midwesterners (Indiana), but moved to the Atlanta, GA area 2 years ago. I'm also a Legal Assistant, but desperately trying to change careers.
I was never overweight until I graduated from college and started a desk job. I have been stuggling ever since.
I found CT about 2 years ago (In March will be 2 years.) I lost about 15 lbs. but have gained 5 of it back since about June of this year...
I just started really working out again this week and plan to make it work this time. I actually enjoy working out, but time has been an issue. Well, I found a gym that has locations next to my office and not far from my house, and they offer childcare in the evenings and on weekends. So, now if my DH has to work late, or work on the weekends, I have no excuse!
I never really considered myself an emotional eater, but I have re-thought that this past year. This year has been really difficult for me, and that is when my weight started heading in the wrong direction, so, it makes me wonder if I might be wrong. I don't necessarily eat more when I'm upset, or stressed, in fact, sometimes I think I eat less, but I think I make very poor choices.
Welcome again, Dawn
"Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have to set yourself on fire." anonymous
Posts: 4303 | Location: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: March 15, 2004
I had seen your replies on a few threads. I haven't been responding as much as usual, just been one of those crazy weeks. I used to binge a lot as well. Do you remember the book you had found? I would be interested in reading it. I had been doing well for a while, then stopped going to the gym after I injured my elbow. It healed fast enough but never got in to the habit again. I've started the walking away the pounds here at home and hope that will kick start the weight loss again.
Congratulations on your sucess so far!!
LAurie
There is no luckexcept where there is dicipline.
Posts: 1512 | Location: Adams, MA | Registered: March 10, 2004
