My sweetie and I are at a bit of loggerheads over exercise goal. My side is that I resent the fact that 5 miles wipes me totally and he just saunters along with 10 lbs weights on his ankles like its the easiest thing. I asked to cut it back to three miles (which I told him tonight almost feels too easy). He feels like I'm not pushing myself hard enough even though tonight we did almost 3 miles and we also cut almost a minute and a half of our time for doing each mile and I didn't stop at all to recover. He has no problem with me having to stop and recover because he sees it as me having pushed myself to the point where I couldn't go.

I give my Sweetie credit in that he does exercise with me three times a week. But I'm also worried about burning out and making sure this is a sustainable habit. I've got a lot on my plate right now and I'm feeling stretched thin. I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle and I feel like I am supposed to be exercising.

Anyone got any ideas on negotiating this?

Thank you everyone for your responses. My goal exercise-wise is to walk with my sweetie 3 times a week and do yoga the other 4 days for right now. As I get fitter, I'll be changing things up.

I think I got my revenge on him tonight. And I think he understands why I don't like the long hikes. Because it's been pouring rain all day here in Texas, we did yoga instead of walking. He told me he didn't think he'd walk without pain for a week. I think he finally understands now how the really long walks affect me. Although he doesn't quite understand how come the Yoga doesn't affect me in the same way. They are two totally different types of workouts.

Trigirl: He wants me to be healthier and slimmer overall. He's seen a picture of me when I weighed 70 lbs less than I do now, and he's admitted to me that he's jealous of the guy who got to date the slimmer me. But he does realize that it will take time for me to lose 70 lbs and he's willing to help me get there. And in all honesty, I do work out harder when I am with him.

My personal goal is to get healthier and to retool my thoughts about food. Since I left my ex-husband just over 18 years ago, I've used food to stuff my feelings. It got worse with my verbally abuse ex-fiance and I reached an all-time high of 315. Two years ago January, I started working on my weight. I lost and kept off, 40 lbs during the first year. I've gained 10 lbs back since I changed jobs and am now back in my chosen profession as a technical writer.

Skedwards (sorry I don't know your name
My sweetie is 6'4" and I'm 5'8" so his strides are way longer than mine. He can outwalk me at this point.

TayHudson:
aaah yes..... I have something I am tired of hearing my sweetie say... He's part American Indian (not sure how much) and he talks about how "His People walked all over the Plains." I think I told him to shut up about his people at 1 point. He's been pretty good about it since then.

Sheltieguy:
If I were fitter, I think I would enjoy the longer walks. Right now it just leaves me in a stupor for a couple of days when we walk like that.

Cobismom:
We've got dates scheduled for 3 nights a week for walking/exercise. The scheduled exercise times really have helped our relationship.

MountainGirl/GoingSkiing:
Actually he's 70 lbs lighter than I am, but in not much better shape than I am. He takes care of his dad during the day and spends a lot of time sitting. He's been tired of being inactive and since I'm a little more likely to be diligent about things than he is, that I will help him meet his own goal of being more fit.

Mountaingirl: Hmmmmm I might have to check into a forerunner for him for Xmas. He loves gadgets.

Jill:
That was my thought. I feel much better this week. I didn't exercise every day, but overall I still feel like I accomplished something.

Alli:
Right now I'm balancing aerobic with some strength training/stretching (which is what Yoga is to me)

BTW I am loving how my clothes fit after having done yoga for the last 4 weeks!

I think everyone here has given you good advice, and I especially like Alli's suggestion of doing 3 miles more often vs. 5 miles 3 times a week.

Your sweetie probably has the best of intentions, but you know what they say about the road to Hell... what he is doing is counterproductive. I agree with Lynne about not wanting other people to have goals FOR me, I want to have my own goals and get support for them.

I would try to talk with him and in the nicest possible way, suggest that him pushing you is making you feel unhappy. Pushing yourself is good, being pushed by someone else is not.

I have struggled with this problem because my husband is a very competitive runner and he has control issues (not that I don't have them too) and on some level wants to make everyone happy, by force if necessary. Luckily for me he knows and admits to this. He has been working on a lot of personal issues himself and has realized that it is not a personal failure of HIS if someone else has a problem.

If you're feeling brave you might ask him why it is so important to him that you do so much. What personal stake does he have in this?

Great replies from everyone and I have to ditto what Sheltiguy posted.

I LOVE my walks/runs. It is me time. I love being outdoors and for me, it almost isn't "exercise".....the treadmill is a little bit of a different story though! LOL!!!

DH & I always have had different fitness levels and he is a good bit taller than I am. He doesn't/can't/couldn't jog as far as I can though. I've already told this story but a couple of years ago on vacation, DH & I walked/ran together...Actually he walked and I walked/ran (circles around him ) It was funny because he told me at first, "I'll let you get up there ahead of me so that you won't slow me down." LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I went "up there", came back, went "Up there" again, came back again and on and on. Finally DH was huffing & puffing and said "You are about to KILL ME!!!!" Needless to say he never questioned my jogging ability again.

I also made the mistake this past vacation of asking my SIL and her grandson if they would like to go with me on my walks/runs. I thought it would be rude if I didn't. Needless to say that I didn't the exercise that I wanted to in and actually I think they were just going to be polite. We all need to learn to be more upfront and probably will next time.

I applaude both you and your husband for being active and working together but You should do what works best for each of you. You can still encourage each other without having to do the same thing. Don't try to judge your fitness by what your husband can do and vice versa.

DH isn't particularly in better shape than me, but DH is taller than me (as are most people over the Third Grade.)

When we walk together I get REALLY tired of hearing "Get those little legs moving!"

I imagine we look like those mom's you see in the mall dragging the toddler behind that can't keep up...

I think every one gave you some great advice.
I don't have much to add other than I can't really work out with DH either...although, I out swim him any day of the week, then he's left behind, so...

Dawn

My primary walking goals are enjoyment and long term sustainability.

I have no interest in a grueling (unenjoyable) "boot camp approach", and don't want to injure my knees by overdoing it.

Since I walk alone, there is no one to pester me about how far/fast to go. I listen to my body and my mood.

Walking is an inherently enjoyable activity, and it's counterproductive to have it turned into something else.

When exercise is no fun, it doesn't get done.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sheltieguy,

I give you both credit for sticking with the walking routine. My dh and I couldn't manage that, schedules and styles didn't match.

My suggestion, and what we did, was to make it a date for exercising together. Our clinic put in a gym for diabetics to use. We go after work for 45 minutes, use the machines, talk ect. and spend the time together. We are both beginners at this type of exercise, so there is no one going ahead because they've been doing this longer. The other days of the week, I am free to hit the pool and get my other routine in without feeling like I am being competed with.
Just a thought.

But again, kudos that you can do it together.

PS... another analogy might be...

ds and I can ski LOTS and LOTS of runs that dh won't/can't/shouldn't do. We don't take dh down the blue and black runs.

I also don't ski a whole lot with dh on the Bunny Hill... Watching him ski drives me crazy and I have the urge to correct him... and it just doesn't work.

ds and dh can ski together just fine... and for whatever reason, if Jamie barks at Nelson to stand up straight he says, "Oh OK! That is way better!" If I bark at him to stand up straight, he says, "I AM... I'm doing fine!! Leave me ALONE!!!"

Just a different dynamic. We get along fine 98% of the time... but skiing together is frustrating for both of us... so we meet and eat together and talk about our day.

quote:

Originally posted by SpaceCityPaula:
I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle and I feel like I am supposed to be exercising.

That is true... but sometimes we inflict it upon ourselves.

Ditto to what Alli and Lynn said.

Also if your dear sweetie is in really good shape and you are just starting out... it just doesn't make sense for you to be exercing together all the time. You both need to go at your own pace. He is going to be resentful because he has to go too slow to accomodate you and he isn't getting a hard enough work out.

You are going to be resentful because he is pushing you too hard.

Allie's advice is awesome! I would only add this: what if you workout together once a week, and persue your individual goals the rest of the time? That way you each get what you want and you also get a quality workout when you come together. I was also thinking that if your sweetie were my sweetie, I would want to talk to him about why he has goals for me that are so rigorous (having goals for another person is usually a very frustrating experience) and that he is making me feel like I'm disappointing him if I don't do things his way. He may have sterling intentions but that doesn't mean that his tactics are supportive of you.

We all have ways we want to be supported or coached. I personally thrive on praise but some people really like tough-love coaching. I have a training watch that measures for me how far/fast I'm running, and it has a program that alerts whenever I'm going faster than usual. It beeps at me and says SLOW DOWN! I find that I'm really motivated to keep going faster when I get that message, because it tells me I'm doing really well, and that works for me. It seems like you may not thrive on the same things that drive your sweetie, but that is really fine as long as you each give the other what you need. I have seen in my marriage that our natural tendency is to give the other what we want to get. We have had to learn to give what the other person wants to get instead, and it seems to not feel right at first but the results are phenomenal.

p.s. My Garmin Forerunner watch also alerts when I'm going too slow. It says SPEED UP! which usually just makes me laugh.

I don't think, unless you are in training for a sport or competition, that "pushing yourself until you can't go" is necessary. You are headed for burnout. I would either slow down the pace if you want to keep doing the 5 miles or cut down the mileage and stay at the same pace. Does he expect you to keep up with him? Everyone exercises at their own pace. And while having someone to push you is good, having someone push you till you drop is not good.

Jill

There's no point burning yourself out. And stressing out over weightloss doesn't help you loose weight at all.

5 miles x 3 days a week = 15 miles a week.

3 miles x 7 days a week = 21 miles a week.

Since three miles is comfortable for you and 5 miles isn't, why not walk 3 miles a day. Doing it every day is best, but even if you do it 5 times a week, that's the same number of miles as 5 miles three times a week.

For what it's worth, Dr. Andrew Weil recommends 3 miles a day as the ideal exercise, aiming for getting it done in 45 minutes. I switched from a cycle of burning myself out at the gym and getting cold after cold to his recommended three miles a day. I broke my plateau, finally, and I feel healthier. Working out harder was hurting me.

If you want to keep 5 miles as your goal, work up to it gradually by adding a little extra to your walk three day a week.

alli