I noticed something about cake eating last night that I wanted to share with you all.

My family brought a cake to my house last night for my birthday. It was a hand-me-down cake left over from my sister's going away party...they scraped "Good Luck Shannon" off and wrote in "Happy Birthday Mommy." I didn't want to eat the cake. I had slices from three different cakes at three different parties over the weekend, and I was caked out. Plus the cake was from a bakery that has gotten to be just so-so in the past year, so it wasn't even a hig quality splurge.

And yet I ate a pretty big slice of that cake last night. I didn't enjoy one bite of it either, but I finished the whole slice like it was some sort of penance.

When the cake was handed to me, I told myself that I had to eat it to keep from hurting anyone's feelings. There's a good chance that had I declined the slice, I would have gotten a bit of flak from my family, but I didn't even give them the chance. I pressured myself into eating the cake because I didn't want to seem ungrateful (for a re-gifted cake, no less). I see now that I ate cake at two of the weekend partied just to be gracious, when the only cake I was even interested in eating was the only one I made myself.

Party cake isn't the only food this happens with ...it's also a problem when we visit my in laws and I feel obligated to eat large servings of foods I don't enjoy to satisfy them. Has anyone here beaten this particular demon? How do you avoid eating something you don't want to when you feel you have to for social reasons?

alli

welcome MyNameHere and you make a good point.

Amen to that Your Name Here and welcome to you!

I see a lot of people talking about how strongly they feel the guilt, but maybe we should look at what that cake will do to your health and your goals. You wouldn't let anyone make you feel guilty for not drinking their Windex cocktail, right? If you don't want that cake, it is just another brick in your wall of diabetes or heart disease. That wall is built one little cake-brick at a time. Don't get me wrong, if you want the cake, it may be worth saving calories before or extra workouts after. But if it's not good and you don't want it, don't eat it. If your skinny cousin refused the cake because she was stuffed after having just a salad, they wouldn't think twice about it because she has *always* said that. It won't take very many of these refusals for your family to get used to your new habits. If you stick to it, they might just adopt some of them. They wouldn't think of making you late to a very important job interview or keeping you from some medical treatment that will save your life, so don't let them. Many times you will find that others are glad to take your healthy suggestions, like a fruit buffet with healthy dips, and chocolate, too, of course. They haven't taken the time yet to figure this stuff out and are glad to see how you would do it, especially once your results become obvious.

The only person I have trouble over-eatting with is my Grandma-ma. She never knew why I was so thin for so many years. After she moved close to me it was obvious. Sundays we spend with my Grandma-ma. Sometimes she cooks and sometimes we go out. Reguardless you are not allowed to say no to her. It is more then I eat most days so I usually skip meals Friday and Saturday. Since I am sick a lot sometimes I can get away with " I don't feel well today". If I do it to often she tells me the reason I am so sick is because I have bad eatting habits It is the best part of the week to be there with her though.

This response probably isn't relevant for one's OWN birthday cake, or birthday cake at all, because there is a heightened expectation of celebrating the birthday person (or oneself), but for other dessert-events when I don't want the dessert/it's not worth it to me, I've had success at deferring time-wise, saying not right now, too full, in a while.
No one ends up keeping track and I get out of the feeling of making others self-conscious about their choice to partake. I also buy myself some time to conside/reconsider, think about whether i want it or not. . .
It is a bit of a white lie, but it feels much better than saying a direct "no" which can feel like a social rejection.

Dana

I'd allow them to cut me a small piece, take one bite, and set my plate down to "go do something important" I have taken the piece, eaten a small bite..to be polite.

OR I have said no thank you, it looks beautiful, it was so nice of you to think of me, please share in my happiness, also. But it depends on who you care more about...your health or your MIL's feelings.

I expereince this type of pull/expectation at times. The trouble for me comes when I go into my own mindless eating mode. I think that because I am obligated to have a small slice of cake, I feel crappy about it so I might as well have a decent sized slice and scrape every gram of frosting off the plate.

Part of the issue for me is that I generally do not feel satisfied with "party food" and tend to eat too much of it--I eat beyond what is expected in order to be gracious.

For me, I would never turn down a cake someone provided for MY birthday no matter the quality, etc. I might choose to have a smaller piece (which is one of my favorite tricks...volunteer to be the cake/dessert server and serve myself a smaller piece) but I would never turn down the gesture. For me, that falls in the 'rude' category. I will usually not turn down homemade cake if it's being served. Again, small piece. I have skipped the birthday cake at my niece's birthday parties on occasion (Costco cake, huge party where no one probably even noticed I didn't have any and no one cares but when my sil used to make the beautiful cakes, I wouldn't have dreamed of skipping it for both yummy food and social reasons ). I find it nearly impossible to forgo cake at our small 10 person or so birthday parties at work. Seems really socially awkward to me.

I think for me it's all in the serving size. When I read you post Alli, I was struck that in a couple of places in your post that you felt obligated to eat large servings. For me, that's the battle I've chosen over trying to forgo things along these lines.

Peg

quote:

Originally posted by Sheltieguy:
What's more important, the "wasted calories", or the feelings of the cake-givers? I think you made the right Birthday decision.

I remember a long time ago, over on the old Cooking Thin board...

I asked something like, "We've all had food that we regretted eating... have you ever skipped food and regretted it?"

Some people had a LONG list of food celebrations which they had dieted through and in hind sight, wished that they had eaten.

The one I remember most was Cathy said that she wished she had eaten the cake at her grandmother's birthday party.

It is a rough call... I don't want to live every day over-eating or eating cake. But at the same time I don't want to live life on a diet and passing up every ice cream cone or every piece of birthday cake. And I don't want to waste calories on yucky food.

But, in general, I try and put people's feelings first. I have total control over what I eat and how much I eat and where I eat, etc. about 330+ days out of the year.

I can manage my weight, and still ocassionally eat something I'm not wild about even if it is a "waste" of calories if it will save hurt feelings.

What's more important, the "wasted calories", or the feelings of the cake-givers? I think you made the right Birthday decision.

I have this issue as well, though it is my kids who yell at me. When we are out, they really want to see me break my own rules, so-to-speak. I do it occasionally for them, because it seems to matter to them and because, Lord KNOWS, I don't want to become the excuse for the eating disorders they could develop if I'm too weird about food.
However, I very much like the idea of picking up a family reputation for being a picky eater, because I think that would get me off the hook. It sounds like that really works for several of you. I guess that's better than having a reputation as someone who eats every slice of cake they are handed, right?

This year, on my birthday, I ate bad cake that was bought for me, and I was mad at myself but I could not figure a way out of it. I feel for you Alli, with the recycled cake! I think I am better off when I bake my own cake, which I usually do, because I know it will be awesome and worth it.

Lynne

When it comes to eating stuff at peoples' houses, I often "get a pass" on eating some things because it is well known that I am a "picky eater." So people sort of assume that I won't like stuff (especially if it's unusual) and generally they don't freak out if I either don't try it or try it but don't like it.

I am not proud of it, but admit that I can be a baby about being expected/ cajoled to try things that I don't want to eat. At Christmas, the roommate of my best friends made Italian Wedding Soup and, because it was Christmas, I made an effort to try the soup. I asked for just a tiny bit and got more than that but not a whole bowl. I really made an effort...more of an effort than I usually would...but I was nearly gagging on the kale or escarole or whatever green was in it as well as the eggy stuff floating in there. I did not finish the bowl. I saw the look of disgust on the roommate's face but I figure that all I could do was agree to try it. One of my friends said to me privately later "I know you tried...I could see in your face how much you were struggling but you kept trying." and I appreciated that.

quote:

Originally posted by Alli Coffin:
I had slices from three different cakes at three different parties over the weekend, and I was caked out.

My birthday is Jan. 2 and I'm pretty dessert-ed out after the holidays.

Last year I told my family that I didn't want a cake... so they didn't get me one. Then after my birthday was over, I realized that I really missed the ritual of cake and ice cream and my birthday just wasn't the same.

So this year I went back to having cake.

I have an easier time if I'm surrounded by overweight people or people with lots of health problems made worse by poor eating like HBP, diabetes, heart disease.

I think, "OMG... that is how they got like this" and the thought of eating too much kind of makes me sick and I have an easy time saying, "No more, thanks".

* * * *

I had a hard time saying no with my mom. She made sf/ff pudding two nights and I don't like it but ate it anyway. It was "healthy" but I've never had the heart to say, "Blech... I can taste the artificial sweetners..."

I home, I'd rather eat fruit... and don't make sf/ff pudding.

* * * * *

My grandmother used to make these huge dinners of fried eggs and ham and bacon and sausage and white toast. It was sort of like a heart attack on a plate. She actually wouldn't get upset if you said that you just wanted a little.

But, I kill to be able to go to her house and have that yucky Sunday dinner and I miss it a lot...

I don't know, maybe I'll be crying in my sf/ff pudding when my mom is gone...

I have that problem too Alli, especially with my parents who seem to get offended if I don't take seconds or eat everything served to me.

I'm working on it with them in particular since I do feel comfortable saying "hey, do you want me to re-gain everything I lost?".

I'm not that brave in other settings though.

The only thing that has worked for me in the past is faking not feeling well. No one seems to push if you say that your stomach hurts or something like that.

I actually overcame that when I was a vegetarian. I would go to family get togethers and would eat what I could. I never asked anyone to make something special. I would always say, "I may not eat dinner, or much dinner, but I will definitely come to enjoy the company."

Sometimes it is more of a cultural thing though. When I lived in Venezuela, if you visited someone and they offered you food or drink you HAD to have some or you would offend the person.

I don't really find that I have any family or friends here that would be offended. Most of my family members now are eating healthy for their own health reasons (heart disease, diabetes, cancer...) that they completely understand.

I think I would be also much less worried about offending someone that was giving me re-gifted or recycled cake. If I knew someone went out of his or her way to make a special cake or whateve for me, I think I would feel obligated to have some, because of the effort they made. In that case, if I didn't really want it, I would have a small piece.

Dawn