Depending on your particular childhood events, this discussion could be VERY on topic or it could be completely off topic. What got me thinking about it is that, as you know, I'm a big fan of the TV show Starting Over (SO), in which women work on the issues that are keeping them from living the best life they could.

This season, several women are struggling with very emotional parental abandonment issues (one or both parents left or died when they were young). After this past SO-intensive week or so of watching tapes from during my trip plus new episodes while I was off work after my trip, I realized that one reason I was crying a lot during some of these parental abandonment discussions is that perhaps my own parental abandonment affects me more than I ever realized.

My mother moved out when I was 12 1/2, leaving me and my 2-yo baby brother with my alcholic and physically-abusive (to everyone but me) father. She wasn't completely out of my life after she left, but I only saw her on weekends for the most part. She was great about coming to school events and such, and tried to be as supportive of me as possible from 10 miles away.

I have always felt that my parents' separation and my father's behavior afterward impacted who I became, but somehow, I never looked at it from the angle of my mother's leaving impacting me. After seeing how deeply impacted these women on SO (one is like a robot--she just turned off all her feelings when her mother dropped her on her Dad's doorstep at age 5), I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I AM more impacted by my mother's leaving than I ever considered.

The aha moment for me was the face-off between the above-mentioned robot-woman (Kim) and the mother who abandoned her (Melinda) last week...Kim at one point yelled, crying, "You ruined me for life!" and I just started SOBBING...seemingly for no reason.

I don't know how comfortable any of you are with sharing this kind of stuff, but I was just curious what events of your childhood you feel strongly impacted the person you are today (either positively or negatively).

For example, I feel that my mother's leaving impacted me positively in that I had to grow up SO much faster than I would have otherwise. I became more independent and self-reliant and, when I moved to Washington 3 days out of high school, I was very naive (having never been anywhere) but I was strong in spirit because of what I had been through as a teenager.

Anyone else?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SheriaVa,

Oh, great topic, Sheri!

My mother died when I was 3, she had a brain tumor which she'd had from 2 years before I was born. But my stepmother whom I "acquired" when I was 5 and I didn't get along but because I was so young and so wanted a mother I "merged" the two mothers and it took only about 20 years of good therapy to "fix" that.

I was never overweight, was a bit underweight in fact and only started gaining weight in my late 20's. I have a theory that as I got "better" (my therapist said when she first met me I was a "shell" of a person) and a bit more outgoing I gained weight and use(d) the weight for substance/protection since I was "out" in the world instead of just inside myself anymore. But there are a whole lot of "coincidences" that correspond with things in therapy that have given me this theory. But anyway, I feel like a "process" and like my body has been on my side and part of my healing, etc. and it will all come out "right" in its own time.

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Originally posted by SheriaVa:
In my 20s, I was resentful that I didn't have what I consider a "normal" childhood. Now, after having talked to MANY people in my life, I realize that VERY few people had a "normal" childhood.

Many families that appear "normal" and "happy" to outsiders are anything but normal & happy at home. The news is full of shocked neighbors & co-workers when domestic violence rears its head.
I am sure that we appeared to be a normal happy family to the rest of the world as I was growing up. And even now I have some cousins that now live nearby & often attend family gatherings for birthdays/holidays & I know they have no clue about what mother is really like.

I grew up in an alcoholic home--both parents--and many aunts and uncles. They were always very distant emotionally as well. All of this contributed mightily to my weight, but I believe genetics contributes as well. It took me years to realize how this shaped my life. Now I try to focus on how I can make myself different, having released the anger and resentment.I read somewhere that children who have sad childhoods are much more likely to have weight problems, learning to comfort themselves with food.

Sheri - I am really glad you are getting these aha moments because you finally can, like - it's safe to understand it now. Clapclapclap

My best friend is still reeling from her childhood, and has recently been in and out of psych wards over the repercussions, so this topic is kind of on my plate on a daily basis.

I've never been able to get away from how my childhood formed me, but I have always accepted that it is true. I am who I am because of those first 15 years, undeniably. Not just those years, but definately those years. I think of this often as I raise my girls: will this be the thing that they have to overcome for the rest of their lives, etc.

My house was full of secrets - and I was the principal keeper of them. The normal family of five, beautiful house, swanky town, was actually full of alcoholism, infidelity, violent rage, and chemical imbalances. I still have one big secret that I am vexed over sharing with my oldest brother (something he doesn't know), but the day will come and I will know when it does. I am awed by how powerful the force to protect your family from shame is, and how the truth gets shaped and shaded over the years.

A few years ago when Dr. Phil was still just Oprah's Tuesday guest, he did a show about Your 10 Defining Moments. It is interesting to stop and just name them, without judgement. If you get finished, and you wonder - well was that the ten? You don't really have to wonder, because the first things that come up are THEM. Those are your ten.

What I think is cool is we always have the choice to be victorious and use our defining moments to our advantage. No matter how old we become, we always will have that option.

Lynne

quote:

Originally posted by BrenauMom:
She has her "company manners" and casual aquaintances are always telling us "your mother is so nice" while we grit our teeth & think "you don't know her like I know her".

I can so relate! My father was emotionally and physically abusive inside the house, but to everyone else in our tiny town, he was the male equivalent of Mother Theresa! I still remember a woman stopping me on the street and saying "You are SO lucky to have *** for a Daddy!" and I remember thinking "Yea, try living in OUR house for a week and see if you can still say that!"

Short answer--- before school---
yes, I believe that my childhood impacted my choices as an adolescent and now as an adult.

Too much to type now.

I did grow up with a "fat legacy"--- sort of believed that I was defeated and destined to be 30 -50 pounds overweight.

Lots went into that mindset.

Will try to get back here later.

quote:

Originally posted by GoingSkiing:
All of this was harder on my sister and brother as my sister was 16 and my brother 12. It is easier to see the “damage” in them, than in me (and I'm less objective about myself).

I think it's opposite in my family. I think I have more "psychic damage" than my brother, because he was a toddler or young child when most of this was going on (he went to live with Mom at age 8 when I left home). During his early school years, he did have physical abuse, that I didn't have, but I also had mental abuse that he didn't have.

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I also never experimented or tried drugs since I figured, both my siblings, a parent, 2 uncles and ALL of my cousins are/were addicts… and I’m not going there.

That's so fantastic that you avoided that altogether! I grew up so immersed in booze (both parents drank) that I guess I assumed (as a kid) that I would never "get the habit" myself as an adult. Yet I still drank too heavily through part of my 20s and 30s. Thankfully, it was the typical "going out and partying" type of drinking that was common to that age and that era (the 70s and 80s). Since I hit 40, I have rarely had more than 2 cocktails in any given week.

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Our marriage councilor said that was very common among kids who grow up in alcoholic homes… they tend to either become alcoholics themselves or control freaks.

DING DING DING! Yea, I read a little book about adult children of alcoholics years ago and I saw my older brother's personality and mine laid out right in the book. I was like "Whoa. They know me!" But apparently, many adult children of alcoholics have very similar patterns of behavior. The book explained that, because children of alcoholics always felt so out of control as kids, never knowing what was going to happen, they become controlling as adults.

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And I figured out that chocolate is readily available and legal and relatively cheap…

Yea, maybe that's where my addiction to chocolate (and taking comfort in food) comes from too!

quote:

One thing Oprah said one time, was that ALL of her experiences, both good and bad, made her who she is today… and at a certain point you have to decide, “I turned out OK and I like myself for who I am” and you have to make peace with the past.

I completely agree. In my 20s, I was resentful that I didn't have what I consider a "normal" childhood. Now, after having talked to MANY people in my life, I realize that VERY few people had a "normal" childhood. I certainly won't say I'm over every bit of resentment, but I CAN say that I learned to see that those hard times shaped me into the strong, resilient person I am and to appreciate those things...because, frankly, I was a very mousy, scared, shy kid before Mom left and I'm GLAD to have ended up the person I am.

For me, I had a pretty good childhood. Parents that loved me, educated me well, provided a good home, etc....
I've always had the self confidence (even at my largest) to stand up for myself which I attribute to my parents.

The hardest thing for me growing up was that my parents just never got along. They fought constantly and the only times we had a reprieve was at meal times, especially weekend feasts when there was company (my parents loved to entertain).

On one hand, I grew up with a love of good food, on the other, I equated eating with happiness very early on. I also remember having second and thirds to drag the meal out so things would stay "peaceful".

It took years, but finally I was able to get my act together and not let those early experiences continue to shape the way I eat and look at food.

I also think that growing up with all the fighting helped me pick a better mate. I saw first hand what didn't work and what not to do and I learned from that.

I have a fantastic marriage and we're going on 13 years (and 18 together). We have the same interests (it's almost scary how much we have in common), we communicate well, our arguements are "clean" and usually short, etc... I don't think I would have been so mindful of those things had I not grown up with the opposite.

I suppose my childhood contributed to my independance and I know it has affected how I raised my own child. I did not want to "be my mother" when it came to child rearing. That may or may have been a good thing. Dd and I are much closer than me and my mother but dd is not nearly as independent as I was at her age.
I have no idea when or what happened but my mother has hated my father almost as long a I can remember. He still bends over backwards to make her happy but to no avail. I do recall a couple of happy family vacations (at least I think they were happy, I was around 8 or 10) but my sister who is 4 years younger than me does not.
We grew up to temper tantrums and walking on eggs most of the time so as not to set her off. Daddy would not allow us to talk back to her or blow our stack and tell her what we thought of her. He is of the school that you show respect to your parents, regardless of how they act.
She has her "company manners" and casual aquaintances are always telling us "your mother is so nice" while we grit our teeth & think "you don't know her like I know her". Mother & daddy were the only ones in their families to move away from the home town to raise their family so we rarely saw our grandparents, aunts/uncles or cousins. The Alabama relatives and people from daddy's church have no idea what his life is like because he will never say anything against her. A few our our friends have become almost like family members and are around enough that they have seen what life with her is like. My sister has a tendancy to be like mother & it ruined her first marriage. She tried to treat her husband the way mother treats daddy, it was the only role model she had. That break-up was a wake-up call for my sister and she works very hard not to act like mother.
Years ago my sister planned a fancy dinner at Nicolai's Roof as a surprise for their 40th anniversary (you have to make reservations a year in advance at this restaurant) and mother refused to go. She said she didn't have anything to celebrate & my sister said "I'm sorry you hate being my mother." The rest of us went (daddy, me, my sister, a friend that is practically a sister and her husband) and had a really good time without her. That was in August and my sister and my mother did not speak or see each other till Christmas. They still would not be speaking if it had been left up to my mother to make the first move. My sister called about Christmas plans around the middle of December as if nothing had happened and mother also acted as if nothing had happened so things got back to normal only not really.
My sister never comes around except for family group activities or when she wants something like a place to hang out till rush hour traffic on Ga400 is gone or she needs a pet/house sitter while she is out of town.
It makes it very hard to live here and not be able to say what I think. I am still walking on eggs.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BrenauMom,

Hmmmmm... Hard to know how childhood shaped me... because I only had my one...

We lived two doors away from my grandparents and that was mostly a positive experience. We lived with them full time during the summers and that was very positive.

My dad was an alcoholic, but was pretty functional (worked, etc) most of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was about 12-13 (and a therapist told me that it is EXTREMLY common for parent to divorce when kid(s) reach that age - for whatever it is worth).

My dad started to be unable to keep it together during my teenage years and started losing jobs because of the drinking but he wasn’t living with us so it didn’t affect me a whole lot. He didn’t support us financially but my mom made ok money and our house rent was CHEAP. (My grandparents worked for a cemetery and we rented our house from the cemetery… which some people think is enough to cause psychic damage … but it was home…)

My mom moved us (mom, my sister, brother and I) into a drug program a month after turned 17. (My brother was 12 and starting to drink. I had a cousin who was also in the drug program. She was using hard drugs and was a prostitute.) That was kind of traumatic as I was pulled out of HS and sent to a different facility from my mom and siblings and basically put in the work force in a drug program and didn’t know anybody.

My dad died 6 months later of cirrhosis of the liver (I was 17.5 and he was 39, almost 40).

All of this was harder on my sister and brother as my sister was 16 and my brother 12. It is easier to see the “damage” in them, than in me (and I'm less objective about myself). But they also had some VERY hard years in their late teens and 20’s and drank and used drugs. I on the other hand was living in a rehab program (and married to an ex-addict who is now an ex-husband…) until I was 26 and never have had a drinking or drug problem.

I also never experimented or tried drugs since I figured, both my siblings, a parent, 2 uncles and ALL of my cousins are/were addicts… and I’m not going there. So that could be a positive outcome to a bad beginning.

I know that one way my childhood shaped me… When I don’t know what is going on… I can get anxious. Like when Nelson was really depressed, and not quite acting right… I got anxious. And it isn’t expressed as worry or concern… it often comes out as nagging and trying to control or fix a situation. Our marriage councilor said that was very common among kids who grow up in alcoholic homes… they tend to either become alcoholics themselves or control freaks.

Food wise… I think maybe that addict gene comes out in food… my sister and brother self medicated with drugs and alcohol. And I figured out that chocolate is readily available and legal and relatively cheap…

In some ways my childhood was sort of messed up. But is also true that in many ways my childhood was VERY normal… and I also learned some really good food habits that serve me to this day. I learned how to shop for “real” food. We mostly ate home cooked meals with vegetables and reasonable servings of meat. We didn’t eat dessert or snacks at night. We often ate at my Grandparents house and I think my grandparents ate in a restaurant twice a year. We ate breakfast every morning.

My mom, sister and brother will sometimes wonder, “What if…” What if we didn’t move into a drug program? What if I had finished HS at 18 instead of taking a GED at 28? But there is no way to know… One thing Oprah said one time, was that ALL of her experiences, both good and bad, made her who she is today… and at a certain point you have to decide, “I turned out OK and I like myself for who I am” and you have to make peace with the past.

Sort of like Cate’s homework… At some point, the healthiest thing to do is to make peace with your body (or brain). Doesn’t mean you can’t work on it and get it working as well as possible… but a combo of our genes and our past experiences make us who we are…

PS... my mom, sister and brother are all doing VERY well and are clean. I don't have much contact with my cousins or other family members as they are all still nuts.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: GoingSkiing,

Sheri thanks for taking the time to pour your heart out like that.

I think for me I really do believe that I am SUCH A lucky person for the parents I had. They showed and encourged me to always push me to try to do my very best. If I didn't know something to use the resources or people around me to figure it out. I still use this as a tool in my life.

On the other side of things, I would say my parents did baby me. I am the youngest and they really encouraged the way I thought or looked at things. Not until about a year or two ago did I start really noticing how this hurt me.

I am still baby stepping this. I want to be able to make decisions on my own, but being a people pleaser does not help in this kind of situtation.

Overall, my parents are the greatest people. They taught me so much and were always there and STILL are if and when I need them.