I ran into some female friends that I haven't seen for several years this week. We were catching up on our lives, and naturally my going back to school came up.

What I didn't expect was my one friend started to offer me ideas that were within the same field where I am now. She meant well (which I am quite sure of), but it really bugged me considering how much thought and work has gone into the last two years in getting me to the place where I am working towards changing careers.

So, today's question is how do you react when people jump in with health related advice? Does your reaction depend on who the person is or do you react the same way no matter who it is?

If you allow it to upset you, how do you get back to your equilibrium of being content where you are? If it doesn't upset you, how did you get to this point?

I'll answer later. I wanted to pop on long enough to get this posted.

It really does depend, for me, on what the advice is about. For example, I will listen to someone's ideas on diabetes (for awhile) unless it is so far fetched, that I know it's not going to work...I don't take weight related or arthritic related advice or comments too readily. This is MY battle and I want to go it alone, unless you are in the same battle as I am. I didn't do well with advice on motherhood and raising kids, or being a new wife. So something as personal as my health issues, I usually, ignore or take with a grain of salt.

I am not a fan of unsolicited advice- giving or getting. I used to give some unsolicited advice. It never went over well. Mostly, I have stopped myself.

I still get some unsolicited advice. Generally it does not have a huge effect on me. I think that people who give it are simply tring to work out their own ideas, pain, adgendas, whatever.

I find myself staying away from people who give me advice without my asking for it. I find it oddly aggressive and want to protect myself.

OTOH, there have been some bits that I remember and make sense as time passes.

quote:

Originally posted by Coaster Girl:
So, today's question is how do you react when people jump in with health related advice? Does your reaction depend on who the person is or do you react the same way no matter who it is?

I think it depends on the spirit in which the advice is offered. If I feel that it is offered with love or a genuine concern for my well-being, I am more likely to be receptive. If it is just someone flapping their gums to hear themselves speak, feel superior, or show how much they know, I am more likely to react negatively.

But IMHO just because the person who is giving the advice loves me, it doesn't they are giving the advice from their heart. I know, for example, that my mother loves me, but when she gives advice, it is most often in a vein of "Let me tell you how you should be doing it." and I may react as negatively to that as if someone I hardly know does the same thing.

Because both of my parents are/were "There is only one way--my way." types, I have a particular sensitivity to people who think you are doing it wrong unless you're doing it the way they do it and advice from that type of person is likely to set off my BS detector.

One of the people who sets me off most negatively is the roommate of my best friend in Delaware. He is a large man who eats portions 2-3 times the normal portion size and then goes back for a seconds. He will make comments when I eat light about my not eating enough, whereas I am eating a NORMAL portion. And he has the "carbs are evil" mindset so he will make comments about something I'm eating because it has carbs, Knowing well by this point that I don't share his beliefs about carbs.

quote:

If you allow it to upset you, how do you get back to your equilibrium of being content where you are? If it doesn't upset you, how did you get to this point?

I am content where I am despite what someone says to me, not because I feel like I know it all and have nothing to learn from others, but because I know I am doing what I am doing for the right reason--my health. That doesn't mean that what others say may not aggravate or annoy me temporarily.

I aspire to be the kind of person who can let negative comments roll off, esp. with my mother.

People love to give advice but almost no one likes getting it. I have tried (in real life, maybe not here) to give less advice and instead, really listen to what people are saying and think about (or ask them about) how they feel about it. That is what I usually want more than anything.

When I lost weight last time around, I worked with a guy who was, say, 80 pounds overweight. He kept telling me how I shouldn't do Weight Watchers because it was "too many carbs." So here I was, pretty happy with the way I looked, and this very overweight guy was still trying to give me advice. (This is when I invented my secret rule: "Never take weight loss advice from someone fatter than you." Sorry, Dr. Phil.)

A lot of times with the career advice, people have no idea about what the job market is like in your field or even what you know how to do.

I like the "Pass the bean dip" approach. Explaining your reasons for doing things to a busybody really does seem to invite argument, because you open up yourself to more reasons you shouldn't be doing what you're doing.

For most things, I'm like Denise and just don't care about what other people think in most areas of my life.

However, there are certain aspects where if I'm not feeling 100% confident in what I'm doing, questions and advice usually get under my skin.

Being a new mom was one of those times. I was anxious about "doing it right" and when I got "advice" I felt like it was a personal attack on my ability to be a good mom. Obviously a huge over reaction on my part but it took me a while to feel confident enough in mothering to let all those comments go and not take it personally.

Same for weight loss. In the beginning every little comment made my way, I blew out of proportion. Especially from certain people (i.e. my mom). Now that I've been maintaining for 4 years, it doesn't affect me as much. (I still have my moments of insecurity though when a comment of "of those jeans didn't look so tight last year" can throw me over the edge ; ).

Now I find myself getting more upset for other people. I know someone who underwent gastric by-pass surgery and works her tail off to maintain her weight loss. One day, a male made this comment to her about if she keeps working out, maybe she would lose more weight. This woman has already lost hundreds of pounds, looks amazing, is super strong and healthy. This comment bugged me to no end and I was so mad for her and I know it bugged her too.

quote:

But sometimes the advice that upsets me the most is when I deep down know that the advice is right.

me too.

PS... this is me... and not true for everybody...

But sometimes the advice that upsets me the most is when I deep down know that the advice is right.

quote:

I'll put questions back onto her about HER experience and HER successes. There. Now the conversation is about her, not me.

That's what I did. Mostly because of how I feel about this job. But if it were health related advice, I'd do the same thing.

I tend to ignore most advice, unless it's someone really close to me and I know their intentions behind it. People here are "safe" because we all tend to be able to relate to each others' struggles.

My family, while well meaning, often don't have a clue where this stuff is concerned. And since most of them don't really seem concerned about their health, their credibility is kind of sketchy at best.

And, I'm glad to be able to say that I'm much more laid back about stuff like this than I would have been otherwise. I've taken a lot of years to learn that I don't have to follow anyone else's suggestions if they didn't seem like they were right for me.

I sort of wish somebody had given me advice about college... I might have graduated. I was an engineering/math major, too. I most likely would had graduated if I had majored in English... something that is relatively easy for me... rather than starting a degree (at age 28) for which I had NO HS preparation for and was relatively difficult for me (although I did well in the classes).

OTOH, if someone HAD given me advice… I most likely would have ignored it… and in hindsight… I learned a LOT and thank God somebody in the house can help ds with math homework. I took 3 chem classes, 5 physics classes, and 9 [edit... make that 11 math classes] math classes from bone head algebra all the way up to linear algebra and only had one professor who I didn’t like. I spent 6 years and did get an AA in math (which is pretty worthless) and never graduated… but I’m glad I did it. I REALLY, REALLY got a great boost in self esteem from all of those math and science classes and that alone is worth the time and effort I spent even though I didn’t end up with a degree.

RE: health/weight advice… my mom advised me for YEARS to go to WW. My doctor advised me for YEARS to lose weight and lower my cholesterol. While no one single conversation was the one that made me go, “YES!!! That is very good advice… I’m going to take your advice starting right NOW!” I think that the cumulative advice helped… and when I was ready… I felt like I had support. Although over the years, I did sometimes feel nagged.

And I get stupid advice from family members all the time… which I politely ignore. Getting hypnotized to give up chocolate forever is a good example.

I also think that I’m somewhat unique in just letting stuff roll off of me like water off and duck’s back. I see on the WW board all the time, “Waaaaa! I lost 20 lbs and nobody has said anything!!” or “Last night somebody said to me, ‘wow!!! You’ve lost a TON!’ WTF kind of compliment is that?!?!?!?” or “My family asked me when am I going to stop losing weight?” or “You are getting too thin.”

Hey people are doomed if they say anything or say nothing or don’t phrase things exactly right. We get mad when they don’t care and say nothing. And we get mad when they care too much and nag us. People can’t win.

I almost NEVER lose sleep over stuff people say to me about ANYTHING… weight, health, education, home purchases, my kid’s education, parenting [oh people have LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of “advice” and opinions about ds's schools and education and our parenting… LOTS!!!!!!].

Maybe it sort of goes back to yesterday’s homework… and I’m not too terribly motivated to do much for other people. I lose weight for me… not my WW leader. I get my cholesterol down for me… not to please my doctor. I took classes for ME… not for my mom or my professors or my friends or Nelson or a piece of paper. I just don’t care all THAT much what other people think.

Off to schlep music stands.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: GoingSkiing,

quote:

So, today's question is how do you react when people jump in with health related advice? Does your reaction depend on who the person is or do you react the same way no matter who it is?

If it's someone with whom a relationship matters, like a co-worker or relative, I tend to say something along the lines of "Thank you. I appreciate your concern." (I guess that's my southern approach to "Want some bean dip?") If someone brings up a book or whatnot, I often listen to the spiel, then ask if I can borrow the book. I might read it, I might not. More information doesn't hurt.

Or, alternatively, "I never thought of it that way." (Then you have to hold a pensive, thoughtful face for a few minutes and nod, like you really are thinking about it.) "Thanks. I'll have to think more about that."

When it's someone who doesn't matter (like a not-frequently-seen relative or well-meaning stranger), my answer is a bit more curt. "I'm happy with the way things are. But thank you."

I don't stew on it, exactly, but I do think about what's been said and what their motivation might be. When it's someone new, I tend to ask a bit more about them. The new girlfriend of a brother-in-law offering advice on losing weight? She's always been slender and catty to her chubby younger sister. Advice ignored.

The wife of a brother-in-law who offers advice on losing weight? She's struggled her whole life and is really excited about this new approach, so it makes sense she'd want to share it with someone she knows has the same issues. Advice heard, research will be mine, but I'll put questions back onto her about HER experience and HER successes. There. Now the conversation is about her, not me.

The following is from an attachment parenting message board but I think of it when defending our choices for our son- but could equally apply to any diet advice. "Gee thanks! Pass the bean dip...."


It's something I've learned in my years of parenting using alternative
ideas. The specifics may change, but the principal doesn't. When
setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the
boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they
are in needing to set the boundary. In setting boundaries, we don't
need to convince the other person we are right and they don't have to
agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the
boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if
need be).

I've found new moms often confuse boundaries and trying to convince
someone of the *rightness* of their choices.

The best thing is to assert your boundary and *not* try to defend your
choice.

Some family and close friend help.....

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a "need to
know" basis. Most people don't "need to know". If asked "how is the
baby sleeping?" Answer: Great! Thanks for asking! Want some bean dip?

"Are you sure you should be picking her up every time she cries?"
Answer:"Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?"

"When do you plan to wean" Answer: "When she's ready. Thanks! Want
some bean dip?"

Now, with some people you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They
will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the
room or even the event). If it's a pattern of intrusion, for example.
Practice kind but firm responses:

"I know you love us and the baby. We are so glad. Our sleeping choices
have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again"

Also, don't confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone
of the rightness of your choices. New AP moms often struggle with
this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to
parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing
the above. Where new moms often invite problems is by citing authors,
studies and sites to "defend" themselves. Each time you do so, you
create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that
your decisions are up for debate. Don't defend your choices beyond
generalities, and then only once or twice. "The doctor is in support
of our choices. Want some bean dip?"

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply "I want us to have a good
relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I'll parent the baby -
you enjoy them. Let's not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I
will leave the room."

So, today's question is how do you react when people jump in with health related advice? Does your reaction depend on who the person is or do you react the same way no matter who it is?

My reaction totally depends on the person AND how they present the advice. If one of you here of KD jumped in with health related advice I would most likely feel pretty good about it and give it thought to see if it would work for me. Actually, I like to hear others opinions regarding health advice. The exception to that is someone saying things like: "well then just don't eat so much", or "it's not that hard to lose weight", etc-that's not really advice, but I hate to hear that from people, especially from someone who either a)has never tried to lose weight or b)from a naturally thin person who has no clue what it is like to be overweight. I also don't like to hear things like: "You really shouldn't be eating/drinking that if you are trying to lose weight". I guess depending on my mood even suggestions here can sometimes ruffle my feathers. And not because I don't think it is good advice but more likely that I just don't want to hear what I know is the truth.

If something offers advice that does upset me I will stew over it for a while, think of every reason why that person is wrong, and often just get over it after a while. I have gotten better about this as I learn more about what works for me. Because what may work for me may not work for someone else. I try to be very careful w/my healthy advice giving and usually start off by saying "this worked for me but it may not work for everyone", more as a suggestion rather than "this is what you need to do".

Jill