Brie! I have been thinking all day.It started this morning at my bible study. We were discussing having a quiet spirit. This all ties in for me.....here is why:

Submission has always been a tough thing for me. I love my husband and in regards to Christian submission, he is easy to submit to. Mostly because I love him and having him make the big decisions in our lives, I know he considers my feelings and the kids and considers everything prayerfully. I have always had a hard time with submission, or saying sorry, stuff like that, because it would be like saying that I am not qualified, or I am wrong......am I totally confusing you yet?

We discussed today that it is fear that drives those feelings. Fear of being wrong, or laughed at or fear of not being in complete control. I believe that is me.

This has all to do with me physically too. I know I have no excuses! I am keenely aware of every bad choice I make and yet I make it anyway.

I have mentioned before that my husband is a body builder. He is in fantastic shape, always looks good. He is very disciplined, and focused and very goal oriented. When we were younger, I was right there with him. Working out, staying fit, cared about how I looked and felt. That was 20 years ago. Even when I was slim and fit, for me it was a real struggle because I was never driven or disciplined at all.

Flash forward to now, our 20 year old daughter. She is cut from his mold. Now I live with the two of them. They work out, they make healthy choices, they look good.

I am currently over 40 pounds overweight. I went to college and studied nutrition. I know all about the human body. I have actually had muscles and know what it felt like to be in top shape. Yet, I put things in my body that are bad for me. I have no excuses, just really bad judgement and sometimes I think maybe I just don't care.

I cry every Sunday because all week long I am sporting sweat pants and t shirts and come time for church I have nothing that fits. I have drawers full of clothes that I have not been able to wear in almost two years. I won't buy new clothes because I know I will settle into them.

I realize that it may be fear. My study this morning and now your post had me thinking about what my problem is. I think that the same fear that keeps me from quoting scripture around people I know have studied the bible for a long time is what keeps me from being successful.

I know my husband and my daughter are successful. I think I resent them a little bit and sometimes eat to spite them.....even though I am not really spiting them.

My husband has never made me feel badly about my body. He has always been affectionate and loving and wants to support me. My daughter has occasionally expressed that she worries about me because I have a heart condition.

I think I just have a fear of failure. I have lost weight and gained it back all of my life and am afraid of doing it again. I lack self control and most of the time I don't like thinking that people think I have no self control.

Sorry to ramble on and on. I don't post much, but right now am really thinking out loud!

I think my personal truth has always been that I can not be successful. That I am undisciplined and disorganized and incapable of gaining control. That is not true. But it definately holds me back.

My daughter has been saying for a while that I need to change the way I talk about myself. She is right. I am only 42, I should not feel the way I do. I tend to make myself the butt of jokes, just for a laugh. I always point out my flaws in conversations with others. I should stop that.

Today, when I came home and felt a little hungry, I picked myself up a bag of mini almond joys and ate half the bag. I end up feeling disgusted with myself and go on a self hatred thing for the rest of the day. I need to stop that too.

OY! I need divine intervention. I need an attitude adjustment. My goodness!!

For a long time I thought I was just simply going to be/stay 30 pounds overweight. I figured I was trying reasonably well to get thin and healhty, but it was not working. I had medical issues that promoted weight gain. I felt defeated. I gave up my power and judged those who were thin as obsessive and rigid. (I can be super judgmental )

I was not getting that it was my habits that were keeping me heavy. At some point it clicked and I knew that my thinking was wrong. Even though it would be harder for me than the average woman to lose weight, it was possible.


Remembering back, here are a few of things I believed:

Eating frozen pizza (1/2 to 1 pizza) was ok once a month because I was not doing it "that often."

I NEED more than 1 c of pasta or I am not satisfied. ****Note that I focused a lot on my satisfaction around eating and needed to feel comforted and satisfied.

I felt that when I had a craving for something sweet, that the craving was legitimate. I was kidding myself. I never got tough on myslef and said, "Hey, you might want the chocalte after dinner, but you can't be thin AND have the chocalte after dinner on a regualr basis."
I wanted to be thin and to overeat.

Because I felt defeated, I overate. When I overate I felt defeated. Plus, I had medical iddues that made me want to eat and made my body want to gain weight. It was a terrible cycle. But it was not an impossible cycle to break.

Personally, I never has a problem counted portions, calories. I was almost relieved to do it because I saw that it worked and that my estimating did not. I stopped caring that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with logging my food 3-4 times a day because the scale started going down and that matter to me WAY more than the irritation of writing down my food and portions.

I needed rules to follow. I needed to learn that thin, healthy people generally don't eat fast food weekly and they don't expect something sweet after a meal. They have let those things go. (I know that many who are thin are not healthy-- I intentionally sought out individuals who ate well and valued good health.)

I also needed to let go of the vicitm mentality. I grew up with food as comfort, punishment, love and more. I held on to that set of rules for a long time. It kept me heavy and feeling badly. I had to take ownership of my own priorities and start to live them. The interesting thing is that as I changed my eating and exercise habits, I tended to stop making excuses and I became happier.