I'll give you the scenario first: Every time I want to go to they gym my SO makes a comment. Things like "well I guess I'll just make dinner at 9:00(meaning PM)" or "well i'm just gonna go to bed (even if it's like 6:30PM) or occasionally the "aahh, going to meet your boyfriend, huh?". Now when i react to these comments and say forget I'll just stay home he then says "I was only joking". Last night I told him that every time I want to go he has a comment which launched into a gigantic argument. I asked him, if my going to the gym really does not bother you, then why do you have a "joking" comment every single time? He said he doesn't do it every time and of course I'm to blame because I take his comments too seriously.

My question(and I sort of know the answer but just getting other opinions): Do you think he is just joking or do you think my going to the gym feels threatening, like he thinks maybe I will find a boyfriend? It is so ridiculous because I have been taking fitness classes, which are all women in the classes and even if there were men I could care less. I'm there to work out, not socialize. I've told him this and he says "oh I know" but yet continues to make comments. Now today I kind of feel like maybe I overreacted? Maybe he was joking, I don't know.

Has anyone dealt with this? I know we've had a discussion here about friends and family who attempt to derail our plans for health and fitness. Any suggestions?

Jill

Jill, I think I just got my own version of this today. DH just called and said "Don't take Alek to the Monon to get all tired out, he has to go to TKD tonight."

If I don't go work out tonight, then I don't get to go until Saturday. I'm sure by Sat. Geez!

Dawn

quote:

Originally posted by Sheltieguy:


"The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband."

This sums up my parenting practice--- At least most of the time when I keep a grip on my own fatigue and insecurities ; )

Jill,

I think that you have some REALLY important insights.

I also had an ex-wasband that cheated on me. But that was then and this is now. Two TOTALLY different relationships.

I don't know how long you let him be insecure. I'm not sure what a realistic amount of time is. But at some point, we have to throw that baggage from the train and move on. If he refuses to let it go and just drags it around... I think that I'd hit the Family Councilor's office.

OTOH... We went for counciling one time and one of the BEST pieces of information I got was that happy couples tend to have the same 2 or 3 fights over the course of the relationship. Therapist guy said, "Get used to it. This is your life". It was really a blow to find out, "We are NEVER going to resolve this stupid thing??? We are going to our graves having the SAME stupid fight over and over and over?!?!?!"

The thing that bugs you about SO, will bug you until your dying day. Isn't THAT happy news!

I really liked that therapist. He was very study oriented. He'd quote studies in the middle of therapizing us.

And hang in there. And while it might be true, "It is his problem"... when two people live together... it is also your problem to deal with and cope with.

But I think that you have some GREAT insights into the situation.

great jill! i think you are absolutely right--transform your thoughts into positive ones. he loves you and cares for you. i know he would want you to take care of yourself in this way.

Wow, thanks for all the responses! I sat and thought about this and realized a few things.

A) His former SO of over 10 years was unfaithful more than once so he obviously has some insecurities there. Having been married to someone that cheated on me many years ago, I do understand how hard it is to trust again. This does not excuse his comments but I do understand a little more. I went through an unbelievably difficult time after my divorce. I did not trust any man that crossed my path. It has taken many years to get to where I am today. I am much more trusting, I have my moments, but jealousy and worry no longer consume my life.

B) I need to not feed into his comments. Just walk away and go do what I planned to do. He'll get over it.

C) He asked if I would like to take a kickboxing class with him that he heard about on the radio. I said of course I would!

D) I need to get him to understand that I work from home most days. After work I'm ready to get out and go to the gym or do something. He works outside all day and in winter wants to just come home and chill. We need to find a balance in our schedules.

I'm trying to look at this in a positive light rather than being angry and feeling defeated. I am not giving up my gym time for anyone.

Jill

"Going to meet your boyfriend, huh?"

"Yep."

(In a different relationship, this might be followed by "Shall I tell him you said Hi?"... but personally, I'd go for the sarcastically raised eyebrow)

Bottom line: He's being silly. Ignore it.

My DH has a friend who once worked as a personal trainer at Gold's Gym in Redondo Beach. His clients were all bored Hollywood trophy wives, and this guy saw more than his share of extramarital activity. Now, my trainer is very young and good-looking, but he is as committed to his girlfriend as I am to DH. Still, my hubby has admitted that he feels a little jealous sometimes. So it's up to me to point out how HE benefits from my workouts. When I have body confidence, I feel sexier -- draw your own conclusions...

All that said, Jill, I agree with everyone else that this your SO's problem, not yours. You are not overreacting; he is.

Would it work to invite him to come along? Or is exercise something you prefer to do alone?

I agree with Sheltie.

Especially comments like, "Well, I guess I'll go to bed then", since he is just trying to push your buttons and there really is no logical reply except, "OK... bye! Have a nice nap. See you when I get home... if you're up".

If you consistently and completely ignored his comments, do you think he would eventually stop?

From a New York Times article:

"The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband."

More at:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06...r=1&pagewanted=print

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sheltieguy,

My SO knows how much I benefit from working out. i am less prone to depression, i sleep better, i am in a better mood, etc. in fact, this weekend, we were snowed in. only my SO could get his car out of our neighborhood, so he drove me to the gym sunday, waited an hour while i did the elliptical, and drove me home.

I am also in favor of simply going to the gym. I know you've really enjoyed more activity and the group gym classes.

Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by jillybean:
It is so ridiculous because I have been taking fitness classes, which are all women in the classes and even if there were men I could care less. I'm there to work out, not socialize. I've told him this and he says "oh I know" but yet continues to make comments.

Rather than "explaining" details about the gym ("There aren't any men in the class... and even if there were... I'm not interested in them")

Have you have said point blank... "This hurts my feelings!"? If he continues to do it, after you have said that it is hurtful... THAT bothers me.

I 100% agree with Iz. If it bothers you, it bothers you and he should cut it out.

Don't you dare give up your gym time to placate him! You been healthier benefits him too : )

I would second Sheri's comments. Perhaps he sees you working hard at getting fit, and is feeling a little jealous or guilty about not doing the same. So his little comments are a way to make him feel better about not accompanying you or exercising on his own.

He may also just be lonesome for you. Do you have much time to spend together? I know when life is really busy, the SO gets a little more clingy than usual and is a little more sensitive about sharing me with my other obligations.

But I also agree with Iz, bottom line is that if it is upsetting you, he shouldn't be doing it. Try to find out what's really bugging him. If it's a late dinner hour, throw something in the crockpot earlier in the day or arrange for your exercise night to be leftover night. If he's missing you, maybe he needs some extra hugs and reassurances that he's your favorite guy. Stick a love note in his lunch box.

At a time that I was ready to strangle my SO due to a million little aggravating things, I made a list of 36 reasons why I loved him and gave it to him. It seemed to stop the annoying behavior or my perception of things. Maybe you can ask him to make a list for you. (: It's nice to hear the good things instead of the bad ones.

I think that he is kidding on the square. He is joking... but there is truth in what he is saying.

I've never experienced it around exercise or the gym or losing weight.

We have gone thru periods where dh will make a lot of "jokes"... can't remember about what... but I don't find them funny.

In our case, it might be from too much TV. Dh will start talking like we live in a sitcom or something and every sentence becomes a sarcastic one-liner "joke".

But if I point out to him that in 2 days, every single thing he has said to me has a little dig to it... he will stop for many, many months or a year. I'd say we go thru this once a year or something.

OTOH, neither of us never, ever joke about affairs or meeting other people or anything like that. We both grew up in families where the parents had affairs and it was AWFUL in both of our families. We would both find that kind of "joke" unacceptable. And we just don't go there. And we are both secure enough in our relationship... but we've been together 25 years now.

He sounds insecure. Not that it is your fault or you are doing anything to make him insecure. And the bad side of that is that if he is irrationally insecure and he "kids" or makes "jokes" like, "Off to see your boyfriend?", probably nothing you will say will make him feel secure.

I also wouldn't want anybody to treat me like that around my daughter or kid... and kid like that.

Maybe counciling before you get married might help? An objective third party? You don't want this to haunt you for the next 30-40-50 years.

Good luck. Hopefully, I'm wrong and talking to him will help.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: GoingSkiing,

I COMPLETELY agree with Iz.

While it hasn't happened to me personally, I have known women who had relationship problems while they were trying to get fit/lose weight because TOH (the other half) was concerned that the increased fitness/decreased weight would mean that more men would be looking at "his woman" and potentially she would run off with one.

So I think this may have less to do with you meeting someone at the gym per se, but just the risk of you meeting someone else period.

YOUR FEELINGS COUNT! So if it is bothering you, and clearly it is, then make a stand and let him know that it is NOT okay to make these comments, regardless of whether he thinks you are taking them "too seriously."

i think, whether he is joking or whatever--the bottom line is--it bothers you, it hurts your feelings, it is getting to you--end of story. it is not your problem for "taking it too seriously. "

i don't think it is too much to ask--for him to simply refrain from any remarks related to your gym time. no remarks, no odd faces, no weird noises coming from his mouth, ...nothing. you are not asking him to support you as you take off to Beirut to film a movie for 8 months. you are asking for one hour out of 24, for you to take care of yourself.