Okay Here's the Sitch:

I got an e-mail from someone on a fitness board I am on. She's been reading my journal there because like her, I am morbidly obese (Only 10 lbs from being just obese tho which is not were I started this journey!) In it were a lot of excuses of why she couldn't workout, etc. There was also a request to be an e-mail buddy so we can "whine" about not being able to fit in carnival cars, our "spare" tires, how our thighs rub together, etc.

If I have learned anything over the past few months it's 1) if you aren't ready to change you aren't ready to change; 2) I'm at a place where I am not going to whine about my weight, I don't like it therefore I've got to work to change it; 3) I don't hang with people who are going to undermine my goals.

I don't think I tolerate other people's excuses for why they are not losing weight or working on losing weight very well. Because all I could think of as I read the letter is "there's an excuse" over and over again.

I didn't want to be a witch about it, but I didn't want to take her offer of being a whining partner and I didn't want to hurt her feelings - if anything I want to encourage her. So I politely declined her offer of being an e-mail partner and wished her well on her journey for a happier healthier self through thoughtful eating and exercise.

Have any of you been in this situation?

How do y'all handle it?

WTG, Paula! Good job of looking out for yourself. You handled yourself fantastically.

Linda

I think that you handled it really well.

I had somebody on the WW board who emailed me for a while... and it was hard because she had lost like 125 lbs... and then it was time to maintain... and she was afraid to eat more... and kept losing and eventually got TOO thin and dropped below a healthy weight.

She sort of got mad at me and kept saying, "But.... you don't understand" and had lot's of reasons/excuses why she couldn't eat more but then also would email, "I don't understand it... I lost again this week."

Eventually, I think that she got sick of us not agreeing... I know I did.

Now I pretty just try and say to people that I don't like one on one email weight loss buddy relationships and I think that a GROUP thing with lots of opinions is better... which is the TRUTH!

I have to admit the "caretaker" in me read this and thought how thoughtless and uncaring. But then, I thought of my own situation, I had a friend who was going through some emotional things, at the same time I was. In order for me to make progress, I had to tell her I couldn't deal with her problems and mine. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I don't know where she is now, but I do know that she isn't any better, and I am in a much better place.

So I say, good for you, for taking care of you.
Some changes have to be made on our own. When we are ready, we're ready. When she is ready, she will be ready. If not, then never. Applause for you.

isabel

The hardest part was the gracious part. I hate to hurt people's feelings. I'm not sure where its coming from, but lately I have been much more aware of my boundaries and where they lay.

I've distanced myself from one of my clients because she's really judgemental and has told me some things that makes me wonder where exactly she's coming from. If my one contract takes off like I am hoping, I'll probably be dropping her as a client sometime this next year.

It's hard setting the right boundaries when they haven't been really strong in the past. If you are like me you worry about hurting people's feelings.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SpaceCityPaula,

i have to second what Peg said. sure, you could easily become a great cheerleader for this person, but you have worked hard to get where you are at, and you know for yourself that whining is not helpful and you are just not interested. you set very healthy boundaries and you followed thru. awesome! i have no suggestions because it sounds like you handled everything very graciously.

You ROCK Paula! Great job all around with setting boundaries for yourself, recognizing when they were being crossed and enforcing them for yourself. That is just awesome! I'm really, really proud of you. Did she actually say she wanted to 'whine' together?? Yikes! Not a good place for her but an even worse place for you. Hugs!

I have kind of 'disengaged' at times from people that were taking my energy and not giving any back but I have to admit I'm not always upfront about it. It's probably not the very best way to handle things for the other person but it does work for me and I guess I'm learning that is the only person I truly need to take care of. Usually it isn't such a direct request though. I hope I would have done the same thing you did in that circumstance.

Peg

It is sad to say, but toxic people are as much of a hinderance as toxic food.

I think you handled it well.

Dawn

I think you did a great job handling it too.

Paula, I think you handled the situation really well. While she's probably disappointed (and maybe a little angry), that's not a reason for you to change what's working for you.

We've had lots of posts and long threads on this forum about how other people view our weight loss efforts -- whether it's someone trying to sabotage us or being "helpful" in unhelpful ways or begging for help they don't really want. I couldn't even begin to summarize all the issues that get raised! But the bottom line is always that the change has to come from within, just like you said.

You should be very proud of keeping your healthy journey in a positive light.