I was thinking about Iz's thread about Fear and I thought about my problem with over-committing to things which really contributes to my anxiety levels. I am currently working FT, do some volunteer work, have a 17 yr dd to shuffle around, classes and homework starting tomorrow and of course all that pesky housework/cooking/etc. So on top of all that I partially committed to helping write a blog about local eating places, festivals, goings-on about our county with 3 other people. None of these 3 are close friends. One is a friend from high school that I've re-connected with via Facebook and the other 2 are her friends. We were all chatting online about the need for better restaurants, etc in the area and thought it would be cool to go out once or twice/month (or more) and then write a blog about our experiences. I really thought we were just tossing around an idea and I was not 100% serious about it but now they are really into it and I'm feeling like I cannot handle one more thing. I was excited about it when we were discussing it but didn't really think it would happen. My problem is saying no, I just can't. If I add this to my schedule I will lose my mind.

How do you all say no and let go of the "I let you down" feeling? Any suggestions for how to handle my situation? Believe me, I love going out for dinner and attending local events, but I don't want to have to think too much about it and then have to write about it too. Not right now, not at this point in my life.

Jill

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
What I try to keep in the forefront of my mind is that my emotional wellbeing is important. If I'm struggling then I'm not as good of a mom or wife or friend and I have less to give in general.

I've also figured out that anyone who is going to judge me for saying 'no' isn't someone that I really would want as a friend to begin with.

Ditto to what Brie said. As someone older than all of you, I can say that your 40s and 50s will likely bring you some peace around putting yourself first.

My mother and a few others complain to me that they "can't" do volunteer work because 1 hour a week leads to 6, etc.

My viewpoint is that if 1 hour is turning into 6, that is your problem; in other words, if that is something you don't want, then it's up to YOU to not let it happen. Say no.

Now that I am retired, I am doing 4-6 different volunteer jobs (not necessarily all at once). When each one started, I walked in the door and laid out what hours/days I was willing to give. I am not rude about it, but I make it clear that if what I'm proposing suits them, then I'm happy to help. If it doesn't, no hard feelings, but I need to move on.

If the last 2 years of my career taught me nothing else, it was that my physical and mental wellness are worth too damned much to worry about feeling guilty for doing what is right for ME.

i certainly empathize with guilt and fear. i wish they were not my primary emotions, but honestly, sometimes, they ARE!

i am better at saying no right now. sometimes, ijsut don't have the nergy. i let my cleaning and laundry go all to hell for a few more days just so i can catch up with other stuff. i have one 45-60 minute slot for social activities every saturday morning. that is it. i wish i had more. but right now, i have 3 kids to take care of, and a fulltime job, and a business on the side.

one thing that helped me to say NO--was hearing maria shriver talk about her mother. her mother taught her that there is a lifetime to accomplish everything. for a while, your life is about the kids. for a while, your life is about your own education. for a while, your life is centered around career.this kind of mentality helped me to let things go. i don't have to do it all . hey--i got plenty of time.

i am not saying it is easy breezy right now, but gosh, it sure is better than it was before. i used to feel like such a failure for not being able to do it all. it really was about adjusting my mentality (for me).

but it is always a struggle and a growth about something, isn't it? for me, now, it is about letting go of fears of money.

BTW, i also like Yelp.com

This one took me awhile to do too. Finally, I decided that people would rather hear no upfront, than to deal with something not getting done or not getting done well later. If I can't devote the necessary time I simply say that I don't feel that I can justly complete what they are asking. I've had to do this recently with my philathropic sorority.

Also, have you and your friends heard of Yelp? They may not need to do a whole blog thing. See if your area is on Yelp (www.yelp.com)

Dawn

I don't have much advice, just empathy. When I left my job to become a full-time mom, the "volunteer opportunities" started raining down on me. Many times I wish I had said NO (or said it more emphatically) but I will say that I did learn a lot from taking on some new responsibilities and I think I have some skills I wouldn't otherwise have acquired. I would never say, though, that that is a reason to stretch yourself too thin.

It is hard to say no without feeling guilty sometimes, Just try to remember that guilt is a useless emotion. Let it go and do what's best for you.

quote:

Originally posted by Brie:
What I try to keep in the forefront of my mind is that my emotional wellbeing is important.

I've also figured out that anyone who is going to judge me for saying 'no' isn't someone that I really would want as a friend to begin with.

Good luck - I know it's hard!

This sums it up for me.

Lately, I'm with saying "no" to driving all over the place in order to make things more convenient for other friends. Although it was a bit uncomfortable at first, I find I am far less resentful when I just put out my own limits. I'm a happier camper when I am willing to say no to stuff that is too much.

Good luck, Jill!

I spent the weekend finishing a book on balance, since I live in "putting out fire mode" almost all year long between school, work, half training, etc.

What it said was to put God first. Then balance everything out after that, based on what are priorities (family, job, etc.). It made me think about my priorities, and then I had to figure out how to balance all of those things with the limited amount of energy that I have.

It said that you need to leave breathing space, in case a real emergency comes up. Granted, in my life there isn't much left to give up, but I did. While I liked helping with our women's ministry at church, it ate up a ton of unaccounted for time in spurts. And I missed lots of meetings due to trying to keep my grades from tanking.

I feel so much lighter because missing stuff because of school made me feel guilty. Now I don't have that on top of the normal stuff that comes with my life as it is until I graduate.

Saying no is as much a learned behavior as breaking bad eating habits. It can become more "normal" and automatic as you practice it.

And you're in good company with where you are right now. Hugs.

Jill -
I had this problem for years and still feel uncomfortable saying 'no' but I've gotten better. What I try to keep in the forefront of my mind is that my emotional wellbeing is important. If I'm struggling then I'm not as good of a mom or wife or friend and I have less to give in general.

I've also figured out that anyone who is going to judge me for saying 'no' isn't someone that I really would want as a friend to begin with.

Good luck - I know it's hard!