When losing weight our relationships often change. Our relationships with others, our relationship with food (yes, that is a relationship!) and our relationship with ourselves. Our interactions with others change, as well.

For me, I was in a relationship with a guy who was (consciously or unconsciously) trying to fatten me up. When I started taking off the weight, he did actually help in some ways by saying "its ok to have cake" but he started becoming very threatened by the idea of me becoming slimmer. We ended up breaking up because he was so threatened (there were other factors).

My relationship with my parents was all about me not becoming fat, and them not wanting to drive me away by saying anything about it. I still can't really talk to them about it, because I know my mom would like to see me at half the size I am now, and she doesn't seem to get my approach. I grew up with them watching every bite I took, and then got thrown into almost-anorexia because I'd gained when I came to the US full-time. My body never gained a real sense of balance. I think only now am I getting that. I'm also finally having more of an equal relationship with them. Part of it is adulthood, but part is that I'm eating what works for me, not them.
For myself, I am much happier with my body than I have been in a long time. I am still a long way from "thin", but I am happy in my skin, for the most part. I did one of those silly surveys and it asked what I wanted to change about myself, and I couldn't think of anything!
Even if I don't lose another ounce, I'm "bien dans mon peau".

I do notice being treated differently as a fat woman than a thinner one. In some ways, I was almost invisible as a fat woman, which at that time, in some ways, I liked. In some ways, now, I try to be extra welcoming to the heavier people.

Its amazing how, slowly, your perception of yourself changes. Now I see myself as an independent, capable woman. I hid behind the fat, and while I still have issues that the fat had hid/held at bay, I feel more capable of dealing with them. I have a better relationship with myself, and thus a better relationship with others.

So, how have your relationships changed as your weight has changed?

My relationships with people haven't changed because my friends never comment on my weight and hence nobody has said anything. Come to think of it, nobody has said anything the whole time, not even coworkers or casual acquaintances. I kind of like that, because it emphasizes that this is a personal matter.

There's only one person who might comment, and that's someone I hardly ever see who's quite overweight herself. She probably wouldn't say anything nice about it anyway, because of her own issues. I think we both secretly go around hoping the other will balloon or something (yes, I know how this sounds, but then I don't like her and we're not friends).

Dh didn't say anything for months until I started fishing and asked him outright if he thought I'd lost weight. Then he said yes I had and that was the end of that. Right now he's at the upper end of his personal range so he may not be inclined to talk about weight that much. He's waiting for summer so he can bike to work and his excess pounds will melt away without any real effort. (Ouch! Not fair! Men!!)

I think the relationship that has changed the most is with food. I'm not sure how to describe it though. Before, it was a maximum pleasure thing. Anything I wanted to eat, I ate. Nowadays I pay more attention to what I eat, but because of recent health issues, there are a lot of foods that have become the enemy - I avoid them because they make me feel ill. I'm not sure my relationship with food is relaxed right now, but maybe that will change over time.

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This is such a big topic that it's hard to answer. I have been sort of putting it off. Like Lynne, I think losing weight helped my marriage, not because my husband loved me more but because I started being more assertive and happier.

I have a couple of friends that it's harder to go shopping with now that we can't both go to Lane Bryant together, and ordering dinner or any other food-related event becomes a bit loaded because I feel like there is a lot of unspoken tension there.

In my family, food is such a big thing that it's really hard for me to stay on track when I'm eating at my parents' house. Restaurants are easier because I can order what I want.

My relationship with food has changed tremendously in the last 4 years. I select healthy choices 90% of the time and that works for me. I don't beat myself up too often anymore over eating a "bad" choice. It is still a work in progress.

The biggest relationship change was with my then best friend. She couldn't stand that I was being successful and therefore did not support me in any way. It was sad to lose what we had, but I needed to take care of me and not have to worry about how she felt all the time. We still work together and to this day she has never commented on my weight loss which hurts, but I do realize she is obviously not happy with her health, body or life!

I have met the most incredible new best friend during my journey. She goes to Weight Watchers and Curves (we were going to the same meeting and working out at the same time). She has lost 160#'s. She is struggling right now with some weight gain and I am right there for her as she has been for me. She was thrilled when I got back to my goal weight on Friday and let me know. That is the kind of friend I need!

I believe that my weight gain came after a horrible event in my life that I kept to myself for about 1 year. My parents say that my personality changed too and they didn't know why. When I came out with the issue my parents believed me but not everyone did and that caused more hurt. Food became my escape. I have found other ways to escape stress and pain...not to say that I don't reach for food now and then!

DH has been supportive but he dealt with an anorexic mom until she died when he was 11. He worries terribly that I will turn into one. He is proud of me, but I know that he has some anxiety over that issue. I have become a stronger woman since the weight loss which has helped me deal with his depression.

I think the biggest way in which my relationships to other people have changed is that hardly anyone else in my life--at least the people that I hang out with most--has made the leap to healthy eating or taking care of themselves and, as a result, all of these people who are used to me eating out with them and indulging are now having to reframe our relationship in terms of that.

One started out almost hostile, as if my eating in moderation somehow deprived HIM of the ability to eat whatever he wanted. He has come around now--perhaps not so far as to be actively supportive, but at least not hostile. When I was at his house last time, he even put out fresh veggies (I about dropped!).

Another SEEMS to have significantly pulled away from me since our Hawaii trip last year. I am relatively certain that I know what the breaking point was (a physically-demanding excursion we were on in Kauai that she struggled greatly with and was a breeze for me), but I don't know for certain that I am interpreting her silence correctly. Some time after the trip, I tried to get at what the problem was, but she put it off to being busy and her father needing surgery. But she says her father is great now and she's still not calling. And I haven't called her much either because it's just so awkward. I know, very 7th grade, but this situation is new to me and I am not sure how to handle it.

Eating healthy and losing weight actually improved some aspects of my relationship with my mother. We had more in common and, when I was at my lowest weight (of this journey) in 2004, we were shopping and I pulled a jacket off the rack and tried it on and she did the same on the other side of the rack--turns out we had on the same size. I saw something in her eyes...I think it was respect or maybe pride, but definitely positive.

There are a number of ways in which my relationship to food has changed... though not nearly as much change as I want there to be. One thing I love is that I SO appreciate what I'm eating now, and I want my calories to be quality calories. For the most part, when I want something, I try to get the best version of it available to me rather than to just settle for anything like I would have before.

Emotional eating isn't a HUGE issue for me, but it certainly is a challenge from time to time. When I am in pain (such as the month I was in PT for my shoulder) or sick or very stressed and want comfort, I still do turn to food...but those are generally exceptions to the rule (i.e., not things that happen all the time).

My relationship with my dh changes with HIS weight. I wish I were a nicer person, but I don't like it when he's gaining. He is nicer than I am, but he really didn't like me gaining either.

My relationship to food has changed a LOT in the past 3-6 years. I feel like moderation is the Holy Grail of weight loss/maint... and it is sooooo hard to figure out... but so very worthwhile.

I’ve also reduced my stress eating a LOT. I do my level best to cope with stress in a healthy way and I have never solved any problem by stuffing it away with food. In a way this is tied to moderation. There are only so many hours in the day. I can only exercise so much. My calorie budget is sufficient but not unlimited. I don’t want to waste calories stress eating or eating stale donuts in the teachers lounge and then not have enough to go out with my family or friends.

Somebody on the WW board has the siggy, “Food is not the enemy!” I don’t want to spend me life living as if food is the enemy. When I eat a bag of candy after a fight with dh or stale donuts in the break room… it feels like food is the enemy. There is a cosmic conspiracy to make me fat and poor me, I have to eat lettuce with fat free dressing.

When I don't stress eat or waste calories on stale donuts... I have more than enough calories. I go out to eat with my friends… it feels like food and friendship are a natural pairing and are a gift. I feel like it is possible to be both thin AND enjoy food. As much food as I want or need.

When I stress eat or eat stale donuts in the break room, if feels like there are not enough calories to go around… and I’m on the verge of deprivation. When I eat healthy and enjoy myself with friends… it feels like there is an abundance of calories and there is plenty to enjoy myself, without stuffing myself.

I’ve actually come to hate the saying, “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”. That is just not true.

Being thin is AWESOME!! INCREDIBLE!! WONDERFUL!!

And I’ve had some incredible food over the years. LOTS and LOTS of foods taste as good as thin feels.

Does eating half a sheet cake while crying in dirty pajamas taste as good as thin feels. Absolutely not.

But having a GREAT piece of birthday cake does taste as good as thin feels.
Apples or pears with great bleu cheese tastes as good as thin feels.

I don’t have to chose one or the other…. Good tasting food… or being thin. I don’t have to eat cake made with diet coke or 3 point WW 3 point key lime pie on Xmas… It is possible to eat some extraordinary food AND be thin, too.

Just some free floating thoughts from the past few weeks.

Food has always been my best friend. I come from a family of "feeders" when something is wrong we feed ourselves. That was the hardest part of changing my habits...finding alternative ways to feel better without the reward being food. Now food isn't the enemy, but healthier food is still my friend, in it's own way, it does help me be a better me.

My parents were always very supportive and loving...but realized, I think, what the world can be like for someone who's overweight. To their credit, when I needed to lose weight, the entire family ate differently, and I guess dad had his Butterfingers at work. I remember binging on candy bars when I was only 8 or 9 (as in, sneaking out of bed and grabbing a bunch and taking them back to my room, then hiding the wrappers in my backpack and throwing them away in someone else's trash can while I walked to school. Yeah. I know. ISSUES!), and by the time I was a teenager, there were *never* candy bars in the house. To this day, neither one will mention anything about my weight or my food choices. We enjoy eating at fancy and strange places together, and food is more of a "WOW!" experience than anything else. (Edited to add: My parents were both active, and put me in sports and art classes and guitar lessons and anything they could think I might enjoy. There were no sodas in our house, and junk food was at a minimum, as mom grew up on a farm and enjoyed cooking. It *never* stopped me from finding a way to sneak food, so I'm very careful to pass judgement on parents with heavy kids.)

They always supported me being active, and when I found a sport I excelled in, they were thrilled beyond belief. That was the first time I remember a relationship changing because of my weight. My best friend in junior high (who was also heavy) said I was "snotty" and "acted too pretty" for her (which is funny, because even now...pretty? No.). It's easy to see now that she was jealous of the attention I was getting--I "developed" early, and then was in shape and moved into the "jocks & cheerleaders" clique without her.

My relationship with the boyfriend has changed. I'm definitely more sexual when I feel good about myself, and, bless his heart, he's had to go through multiple, "I don't know how you even find me attractive" stages where the LAST thing I wanted to do was expose my body to someone. It wasn't until a year or so ago that I realized he'd gained weight, and...I still loved him and was attracted to him. So...duh. If I could feel that way about it, he could feel that way about me. That was a real turning point in our relationship, and the end of a lot of insecurity about it on my part.

My relationship with food has "matured." I'd love to say "changed," but, no. I still love to eat, and I love to eat what tastes good. As part of the maturation process, though, I've redefined what "good" means. It's no longer a Butterfinger or a chocolate chip cookie--it's handcrafted ice cream and pistachio-orange-chocolate chip cookies.

You are completely right in saying that fat women are invisible or not seen or taken seriously. The movies and documentaries of having a thin person take on the suit of a fat person have proven those time and time again. Something the 'fat' community has known for years.

My relationships with people have not changed so much that I can notice it. except with two friends. They are both heavy, they have both been through all the testing for by-pass surgery but failed the psych evaluation part. One joined WW with me, but is wavering in her motivation...she lost all five weeks, except one, and now she can't do it. The other comes from a very large (size) family, and she loves being heavy. If we go out for lunch or coffee, she is the one "buying" pie for everyone, dessert for everyone. She didn't like the idea that the other woman was in WW and losing, she definitely finds my weight loss intimidating. I just find the whole thing sad, because I don't see it as an issue, anymore than my diabetes is an issue in our relationships.

My real concern in relationships and weight is with kids....and I won't go there in this post, but it is one that parents, people who know heavy kids, should think about and work to fix.

Excellent homework, Cate! I'll be back to this!

My primary relationship with dh was great and is great. It's almost as if he was blind to how big I had gotten and treated me exactly the same and made me feel very loved and beautiful.

My relationship with my parents had to be re-structured when it came to food issues. All our family socializing always revolved around food and it's been difficult for them to reframe that. Now we meet to go hiking and walking or shopping instead of doing lunch every time. Overall, they're now very supportive.

Most of my friends only know me as thin as I lost my weight the first year we moved to OH so that's a non issue.

As for me and food -much, much different. I really do look at what will be the best choice for my body and my tastes/preferences have really changed dramatically.

Wow, Cate, that was incredibly insightful. I want to re-read what you wrote so I can learn from your lessons

I had no body pressure from my mother - a real blessing to be sure. She was treated poorly by her mother over being overweight, and she consciously chose not to do that to me, for which I'm grateful; in fact her last words to me, strangely enough, were, "You are so beautiful today." Incidently, I was quite overweight at the time.

I think parents want attractive children for selfish reasons that are hard to own up to. Of course every parent wants (unselfishly) for their child to have open doors and great options, however they also want to be the one getting the credit for producing these lucky people. There is undeniable ego stuff woven into parenting. One has to really fight it and keep the best interests of the child in focus - this respects who the child truly is and what they want for them selves. Oh that we could all be(have) parents like that!

On the flipside, I did get lots of pretty-messages from my father. To this day, one would think based on the things he praises me for that all that really matters is that a woman be pretty and charming. But that was his generation. It's annoying to not be praised for the things about me that I find more valuable, but I mostly just let it roll off.

OK, this is going to sound very shallow, but it's true. My relationship with my husband has improved a lot since I lost weight I can't lie: when I was heavy I was way more self-conscious and witholding. I have to say feeling more fit has helped me to feel safe being vulnerable in ways I never was before. It's not just because I lost weight, though I don't know how I would have achieved it without that facet finally coming together.

I forgot my relationship with food! *gasp*

I'm much more comfortable with food. I have chocolate in the house most times. its not the first thing I turn to for comfort anymore, though. I still like to eat, I always will, but don't have the insatiable urge to inhale a five-pound bag of raisins from Costco, or an entire Pound Plus chocolate bar from TJs. My urges are more under control, and my binges are less bingey. I eat a little because it tastes good.

Yes, I still have some bad food habits. I love to sit, read a book, an munch on something. But that becomes a replacement for a meal, rather than an addition to a meal. I switch around, basically.

I still end up with things going slimy in the bottom of the fridge though!

I don't notice much difference in most of my relationships. With my mom, it's never changed, although I did have a problem to correct when my mom figured I started losing for her. We're right back where we were before my sister stopped talking to her.

People at work (both jobs) are always amazed at my level of discipline and commitment to watching what I eat and my exercise routine. The 12 reese's pieces in my lunch each day ALWAYS gets comments like "I'd eat the entire bag. You have tons of discipline.

I have changed tons in the time I've lost weight, and I know I am VERY different from the person I was in 2002. I have really gotten better about emotional eating, although I don't think I'll ever be able to stop completely. I also have gotten more adventerous as time has moved on. (I never would have even considered a chicken falafel burger before about 6 months ago.)