never mind

This message has been edited. Last edited by: MaryJo,

I'll be going to my stepson's house where his mother, my husband's ex, and even her mother and sister will be. The other two stepsons will be there too.

My mother died when I was 3 and my stepmother and I were not the best of friends. I have no children of "my" own and the older two stepsons were high school/college age when my husband left his wife for me and it took awhile before I had much to do with the third stepson, 6 when my husband left home. Now my husband's ex thinks she and I are best friends, I make a very good second wife, do not feel threatened by her at all.

But to me it's very lonely and confusing. When I'm wished a happy mother's day I don't feel worthy (I chose not to have children, my stepmother was abusive and I was afraid I'd be too angry as well as my husband being ambivalent about having more children since he already had the 3 sons and left it entirely up to me but I wanted a "father" for any children, did not want an only child, but was getting up there in age; 39 when I married) and when we have these big family occasions (like Easter at the ex-wife's) I end up in the background. It's agony figuring out what the grandchildren "should" call me.

Getting to this a little late...I've always had conflicts with my mom, and in some ways still do. I have always wanted kids, but am coming to the acceptance that I will probably never have my own. I have two cherubs up in heaven, waiting for me.

I still am a mother figure in many ways to a lot of kids. You don't have to be a traditional mother to be a mother figure.

quote:

Originally posted by MaryJo:
No need to apologize Brie, or Jen. I am not even a little bit upset. Have a great weekend !!

Good, happy to hear it. I didn't want you to think I was jumping on you -- that is the last thing I intended.

Seems like I missed the original post.

One of the great things about this board is that we all come from such varied backgrounds and still manage to support and love each other.
It is wonderful to be a part of a community filled with such care and compassion.


MaryJo, I am sure you were very well meaning. You are a generous spirit.

Sending love to those who struggle on MD. I generally have a bittersweet day as my own mother and I have a very strained relationship and I have a woman very close to me who chose to abort a baby recently. She's in a lot of pain.
I also love being a mom. It means the world to me.

No need to apologize Brie, or Jen. I am not even a little bit upset. Have a great weekend !!

quote:

Originally posted by MaryJo:
never mind

I'm so sorry Mary Jo! It really was a good assignment. Even though it struck a nerve for me, doesn't mean that it wasn't valuable insight to share!

I'll post from a slightly different perspective, as I am a single/never married woman who has no children and is unable to have children.

While I don't myself feel it and never have, I know that the desire to be a mother is divinely important to many women. I respect that. I didn't make a decision not to have children. God made that decision for me. On the other hand, I completely agree with His decision and have never for a moment resented it. I know it was the right thing for me and may well have made the decision for myself if He hadn't made it for me.

As for my own mother, Mother's Day has brought me conflicting feelings for years. Picking out a Mother's Day card is not easy. They are all too effusive, too sugary and say things that I could never, in good conscience, say to my mother. I am a very emotionally transparent person and she would know that I wasn't being sincere. Even as much as I struggle with my feelings about my mother sometimes, being purposely insincere to my mother would just be too cruel.

I came in this morning too late to read what the homework assignment was. I'll respond according to the other responses here.

I lost a baby 3 yrs before I had DS. For some reason I had trouble even getting pregnant before that, my Dr. had no answer and tested both DH & myself. We have a wonderful, healthy, VERY SMART (if I do say so myself ), good-looking, ENERGETIC and very loving little 4 yr. old today!!!!

DH & I both lost our mothers last year. I won't go into details but let's just say that there were "issues" with my Mother. Whatever I had hoped for never will be now but I have accepted that "things were just the way they were". I don't feel anger anymore, just pity....and THAT I am VERY thankful for!!

DH has already told me that he & DS are going to take me out to eat for Mother's Day lunch. I LOVE being a mother and that is what I will celebrate this year. I haven't discussed things with DH but I suspect that he feels the same.

Any holiday means different things to different people and brings up so many feelings. Like other things in our lives, we have to work to focus on the positive and not sink into sadness and anger.

Like I said, I didn't see the "actual" homework but this was very thought provoking MaryJo!! It is always nice to remind yourself to think positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is going to be a tough Mother's Day for me, having lost my little one just this past fall. However I know it will even harder on my Mom, having lost her soul mate just a short time ago. We have a special day in store for her, home surrounded by her family. Her favorite dinner and her goddaughter will call around dinner time.

Later, when we get home I have a special candle I'll light for my lost little angel. We never did have a chance to tell our families about her (or him), so we'll share this moment just the two of us.

This year It will be a day to grieve, a day to heal, a day to show each other how much we care as a family.

Here's my thoughts, I have had four miscarriages, and finally got blessed with two very healthy boys. I have no mom this year or last, because she died two years ago. Mother's Day used to be a wonderful day for me....we'd spend it with my sil and my mom and have a wonderful time. My sil has had two miscarriages, also.

But, we all mother someone, if only ourselves. My sons have chosen not to be home this Sunday, my husband is making dinner for the other mothers of our community at work. I will be alone, with the furbabies, I mother. There is a nursing home three blocks from our home. No one knows, but I am going to go "daughter" some of those moms whose children and families choose not to visit them. I have some handmade cards and presents to take to them. We are having tea at 2:00 and joyful sounds after that.

We all mother someone....whom do you mother? If it's you, spend some valuable time with you this weekend, being your best mother.

Mary JO, thank you for sparking the thought in my head...you did well hon.

P.S. I do like Mother's Day because I have a terrific mom of my own who I'll be celebrating with. And even though my grandmothers have both passed on, they are in my thoughts a lot because they were such wonderful, strong women.

Poor MaryJo, I know your heart was in the right place with this assignment, but I think you hit a sore spot for a lot of people unintentionally.

Some women also have chosen not to have children for one reason or another, like I did. It's funny because people just assume that not having children if you are married and of childbearing age is a weird thing. To me, it's just the way I have chosen to live my life -- but when people start asking questions, the walls go up because I have had people get pretty aggressive with me about how "selfish" I am for this choice. Or they say, "You'll change your mind." Which may happen, I'm not ruling it out, but I think it's funny how upset people can get when you do something different than everyone else.

quote:

Originally posted by MaryJo:
Good point Brie. I had a miscarriage 7 years ago and I agree that was a very painful time.

I know your loss was very deep and I apologize.

No need to apologize MJ.

I just wanted to throw that out there because I know lots of women who were supposed to be celebrating their first Mother's Day this year who will be spending it at a cemetery instead....

Good point Brie. I had a miscarriage 7 years ago and I agree that was a very painful time.

I know your loss was very deep and I apologize.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by MaryJo:
This weekend, I will wish every woman that I make eye contact with, a Happy Mother's Day.
QUOTE]


I don't want to be a total downer here but I have to say that for many women, Mother's Day is a very hard day - either because of fertility issues, loss of a child, etc...

If some stranger had wished me a happy mother's day a few years back, I would have burst into tears on the spot.

Unless a person is obviously a mother (ie has their child with them), I wouldn't assume to say anything just in case.