I'm OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works by Dale Atkins, Ph.D.
Henry Holt and Co., 2004

Review by Jennifer Sader

I consider myself fortunate to have a good relationship with both of my parents. But if I didn't, I think the introduction of Dr. Dale Atkins' book I'm OK, You're My Parents might have given me nightmares, especially this line: "75 percent of us will wind up with significant caretaking responsibilities for at least one parent over the course of our life. The average length of time we will wind up taking care of that parent is twenty years – longer than we will take care of our children".

If that statistic frightens and horrifies you, Dr. Atkins says you're not alone. She says that about half of us have difficult relationships with at least one parent, which means that if you don't have issues with your parents, chances are your spouse, partner, or closest friend does.

There are a lot of reasons to love this book. First and foremost is her no-nonsense attitude. Dr. Atkins has no patience with the "inner child" drama-fests from the talk shows of the last few decades, when people who had parental problems were advised to sever these troubled ties. Though she acknowledges that some people have suffered serious harm from abusive or sadistic parents she wants to help the rest of her readers to settle down and make peace with our parents. She takes a behavioral approach. Since they can't force our parents to change, she suggests that readers change their own outlook and behavior. She wants them to do this not just for their parents' sake, but for their own.

Dr. Atkins provides readers with practical strategies for examining and changing the ways they interact with our parents. She uses case studies to demonstrate how her patients were sometimes able to improve their relationships with their parents just by changing their own thought processes. Trying to empathize with their parents and see them as separate people with their own hopes and dreams helped many of her patients who saw their parents' behavior as specifically designed to irritate and annoy.

Other strategies may be a little more difficult for readers who have communication problems with their parents. Dr. Atkins advises an honest and direct approach to many parent child scenarios such as parents who try to control their children with money or parents who manipulate their children with guilt. Even if readers can't bring themselves to implement these strategies right away just knowing about them can help.

The difficult subject matter is accompanied by a healthy dose of humor, both in Dr. Atkins' own words and in the well-chosen cartoons that accompany the chapters. I found myself laughing out loud several times while reading this book, even as I paged through the last section, Dr. Atkins' Parental Chamber of Horrors: narcissistic parents, parents who embarrass their children and demanding parents. This section may help readers with less severe issues put them in perspective, as in "Wow, they bug me, but at least they aren't that bad!"

Overall, Dr. Atkins makes a convincing case for the benefits of facing parental issues head-on and becoming more of an adult in the process. I think that Cooking Thin fans whose childhood issues are tied to their food and weight issues may find this book especially helpful.

Jennifer Sader is a freelance writer, part-time doctoral student and recreational athlete. She has completed several sprint and international distance triathlons and three half-marathons. Her next goal is to do the Columbus Marathon. She is supported in all her endeavors by her wonderful husband of ten years, Jesse Squire, who inspired her to do her first competitive event, a 5K run, at the ripe old age of 20. Email Jennifer Sader: jensader@yahoo.com

Photo: András