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Hi
Dr. Atkins,
My husband was admitted to the hospital last night. They
are running tests today to determine if he has gall bladder
stones and to rule out heart issues. He doesn't have a healthy
diet. He skips breakfast most days or gets a jelly doughnut
and then doesn't eat lunch until 3pm. He usually eats fast
food or at a restaurant chain for lunch.
We eat dinner at home 6 nights a week. I serve vegetables
or salad or fruit every night but for the most part he skips
them and doesn't eat any vegetables or fruit four or five
days a week. I once plugged his diet into fitday.com
and he only eats about 5 grams of fiber a day.
I know that our trip to the Emergency Room scared him and
I'm hoping it will encourage him to look at his diet and
exercise habits. My question for you is, how do I encourage
him to eat better in a positive way? I know nagging doesn't
work but, unfortunately, it's sort of my natural inclination.
I lean towards "changing him". In the past, he
has not been motivated to change and my approach has caused
friction. I'd really like for this event to inspire some
positive changes and for me to also have a positive attitude.
My mom suggested an appointment with a registered dietician.
I think that nutrition information coming from an unbiased
third party is a great idea. I tend to want to try new things
but maybe I should stick to his favorite vegetables; broccoli,
corn and peas for a while. Do you have any other ideas,
mostly for changing my nagging ways?
Thanks so much!
Denise
Dear Denise,
Truth
is, people only change when they are ready. Your nagging
won't help and it may even hurt depending on your husband's
personality. He may be the kind of guy who will be less
likely to want to alter his life long eating habits even
though your prodding "is for his own good." Your
letter raises three issues. One, your husband's relationship
with food (particularly the colorful veggie kind); two,
your husband's relationship with you, and three, your husband's
relationship with himself (not in any particular order,
I might add.)
An appointment with a dietician can be helpful but he may
need some enticing rather than prodding. Who knows why he
doesn't "like" fruits and vegetables. Eating vegetables
might bring up images of soggy, over salted beans from a
can, in which case you can't blame him for being hesitant.
Your cooking, though I'm quite sure is excellent and the
polar opposite of his memories, is likely falling flat for
him.
Ask him what kind of fruits and vegetables he wants to eat.
Ask him how he feels about cuisine from other cultures.
Does he like Asian food? Tex-Mex? Greek? Indian? Introducing
him to the vegetarian options of other cultures can be a
real "trip" and can spice up his health as well
as his experience (literally and figuratively.)
Introducing
some of his favorite vegetables in a new form might help.
You can create some wonderful dishes with broccoli, corn
and peas... trying new spices for accent, throwing some
into a salad, putting them into a "wrap" or "whole
wheat pita" sandwich along with a chicken breast and
some salad. Ever try topping a whole wheat pizza with tomato
sauce and broccoli and just a hint of cheese?
Change takes time and adjusting one's taste buds also takes
time. Try expanding his (and your) repertoire one vegetable
at a time. Subtle change can become permanent change.
If he likes peas, go to the Asian section of your grocer,
and bring home some edamame (soy beans which taste very
much like peas.) Your attitude has a lot to do with his
responsiveness. If you get excited about creating new ways
of preparing a healthy meal together, he may be more likely
to sign on for the ride.
Find some stories about people who changed their lives by
adding exercise to their routines and eating more healthful
foods. There are countless "famous" people who
have shared their new philosophies about health and wellness
and he may find someone he admires whom he can relate to.
Going onto the more health oriented websites (like this
one) and those of Dr. Andrew Weil and others can be not
only inspiring but informative.
Your husband has to believe he is capable of making changes
that will benefit him and his life. You are part of his
life. Without nagging, you can talk about how you, too,
were frightened by this hospital visit, and that you would
like to be helpful to make your life together one in which
you can get older together with every possible opportunity
to feel well and make healthy choices, individually and
as a couple. Give him some options of what you are prepared
to do to be helpful and then ask him which ones appeal to
him.
Part of the challenge is that he may feel overwhelmed and
not know where to start. Beginning with one step at a time
is where he needs to begin. You are not there to bother
him but to support him and to share in his efforts to get
well. Good luck, Denise. Please let me know how the both
of you are doing.
Fondly,
Dale Atkins
dratkins@kathleendaelemans.com
Dr. Dale Atkins' latest book, I'm
OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of
Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works,
draws on twenty-five years of experience as a relationship
expert to present a comprehensive guide to repairing difficult
relationships, gaining control, and building a life that
you and your parents can live with for years to come.
Click
here for more info on I'm OK, You're My Parents
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Other
books by Dr. Dale Atkins:
Sisters
From
the Heart: Men and Women Write Their Private Thoughts About
Their Married Lives
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