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How
Can This Stepmom Fit In?
Dear
Dr. Dale,
I'm a recent stepmother. I cannot tell you how much I had
looked forward to this role. Married later and never having
had children, I was so pleased to meet a wonderful man who
came to me with two lovely children. I love to cook and
like to express my love for people through preparing food
and creating a loving environment with food. The problem
is my new stepchildren only eat "fast food" and
food that has no value either nutritionally or emotionally.
Their mother never cooked. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Jane
Dear Jane,
Becoming
a stepfamily always takes a lot of energy and the process
of joining is rarely what we thought it would be. The good
thing is that stepfamilies take time to evolve and define
themselves. There are so many ways you will influence this
family and your desire to do so through food and family
togetherness is admirable. It may take time.
Some of the resistance to your meals may be purely about
taste, "Eww, what is that?" Or it may be
that if they eat and like your food they may feel as if
they are rejecting their Mom's way of nurturing them.
They may feel that if they accept this "gift"
of yours they are embracing you in a way they are not yet
comfortable doing. Regardless, I suggest you try to engage
one or more of the kids for a fun cooking or grocery shopping
experience and have them help you prepare something together.
Make efforts to learn what foods they like.
In the meantime, since you know they like fast food maybe
you can help them prepare a healthy version from scratch
and serve it to their friends when they come over. Most
kids like to have food that looks like it's "fun"
so maybe you can create some cookies or cupcakes with cartoon
characters they like and serve them as a surprise. Also,
depending on where you live, you may begin to plant some
herbs or vegetables and share the experience with them.
Cooking with food you have grown is a very exciting and
gratifying thing to do. Besides, it's hard to resist
the smells of good home cooking.
As you introduce the children to your favorite recipes,
tell them about how as a child you sat with your mom and
made the same goodies. Sharing stories of your kitchen experiences
growing up may help them to get to know you better and develop
a perspective they didn't have.
Do all of these things as an investment in your future with
the family. Don't expect applause and accolades. You
will only be disappointed. With a full heart, prepare the
food and if by chance, they don't want it, you can
take it to a local shelter or give it to a neighbor who
doesn't have time to cook.
Happy Eating as a family, Jane.
Dale
dratkins@kathleendaelemans.com
Dr. Dale Atkins' latest book, I'm
OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of
Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works,
draws on twenty-five years of experience as a relationship
expert to present a comprehensive guide to repairing difficult
relationships, gaining control, and building a life that
you and your parents can live with for years to come.
Click
here for more info on I'm OK, You're My Parents
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Other
books by Dr. Dale Atkins:
Sisters
From
the Heart: Men and Women Write Their Private Thoughts About
Their Married Lives
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