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Dear
Dr. Dale,
I am very concerned about my weight. I just gave birth to
my third child. I feel as if I am resenting my new baby
because it is harder for me to take this weight off than
it was to take the weight off for my other two children.
I am feeling more down emotionally because I really don't
like the way my body looks or feels. I am also trying to
have my mom, who is very sweet, spend more time with my
baby as I try to focus on getting myself back into shape.
Sincerely,
Jo-Ellen
Dear JO-Ellen,
Women
react to pregnancy and giving birth differently, physically,
emotionally and mentally, from one pregnancy to another.
Just because you had an easier time taking off weight the
first two times is not a guarantee that you will be able
to take it off the third time with the same ease. Your body
is not the same as it was before and we also know that our
moods affect our ability to lose weight.
You seem to think that your weight is making you unhappy
which may be so. It also may be so that you are experiencing
some depression resulting from giving birth and you may
want to talk with someone about it. Many women, after giving
birth, feel this way (and don't know it) either because
they are not severely depressed or because their
previous experiences with giving birth were not of this
nature.
I have counseled many women who feel the way you describe
and think it is all about their weight. I suggest you look
after this sooner than later for two reasons... your own
mental health and the mental and emotional health of your
new child.
Babies who are able to be securely attached to their mothers
do better in life, over all. They develop a sense of trust
with people who are in their worlds. They understand, very
early, that they are worthwhile and valued and because their
needs are taken care of they develop a sense of trust for
people who care for them in a loving and responsive way.
They depend on those who care for them and those who care
for them are consistently there for them in a loving and
accepting way.
When babies and young children do not have their needs looked
after in a caring and loving way, and experience rejection
or negative caregiving experiences, they can come to understand
that they are not worthy and will not be able to trust people.
They may spend much of their lives trying to gain acceptance
from others in a never ending battle to find love and reassurance
that they are valuable and worthy of love.
You are making a good decision by having your mom take over
while you are not emotionally or physically available to
your baby. Your child needs to have a supportive and consistent
person who smiles and appreciates that this innocent baby
is a blessing. Getting yourself in shape physically is only
part of the challenge. It would be good to focus on getting
yourself in shape emotionally so you can accept and enjoy
your new baby.
Good luck JO-Ellen Please let me know how you are doing.
Dr. Dale Atkins
dratkins@kathleendaelemans.com
P.S.
I thought you might find this related article helpful.
NEW
YORK (Reuters) – Insecure attachment plays a key
role in promoting the development of a negative body image
in women with eating disorders, a new study shows. This
suggests that the prevention and treatment of eating disorders
might be strengthened by a greater concentration on early
separation anxiety and insecure attachment to caregivers.
The theory of attachment, Dr. Alfonso Troisi and colleagues
explain in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, holds that
early experiences shape adult personality. Infants who
are emotionally cared for "develop a model of the
self as loved and valued and a model of the other as loving."
Infants, on the other hand, who experience neglect and/or
rejection at the hands of a caregiver, and come to believe
that they cannot depend on their caregiver, may begin
to feel that they are unworthy of love.
The development of body dissatisfaction in these "insecurely
attached" individuals may be related to their decreased
sense of self-worth and a heightened need to be accepted
by others, the researchers suggest.
Using validated questionnaires, Troisi and colleagues
from the University of Rome looked for associations between
early insecure attachment and separation anxiety, and
body dissatisfaction in 96 women with anorexia nervosa
or bulimia nervosa who were in their 20s and 30s.
Supporting their hypothesis, the team found that both
insecure attachment and early separation anxiety were
strongly associated with a negative body image, even after
controlling for the effects of body weight and depression.
It was recently reported, in a sample of preadolescent
and adolescent girls, the insecurely attached girls were
far more concerned with their weight and had lower self-esteem
than did securely attached girls.
"Our findings," Troisi and colleagues write,
"confirm that insecure attachment is a consistent
correlate of negative body image" not only in young
girls, but also in adult women, with eating disorders.
Dr. Dale Atkins' latest book, I'm
OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of
Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works,
draws on twenty-five years of experience as a relationship
expert to present a comprehensive guide to repairing difficult
relationships, gaining control, and building a life that
you and your parents can live with for years to come.
Click
here for more info on I'm OK, You're My Parents
(Requires the free Acrobat
Reader; click the button below to download the Reader)
Other
books by Dr. Dale Atkins:
Sisters
From
the Heart: Men and Women Write Their Private Thoughts About
Their Married Lives
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