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Dear
Doctor Atkins,
I have lost 35 pounds and have a goal to lose 40 more. I'm
in a terrible work overload that I can't seem to get out
of, even with working late at night. I've been going to
therapy once a week which has been helping me but the writing
is on the wall and I really want to take a new job. I just
need to take the leap but with my husband recently losing
his job and his other business not making enough money to
support us, I'm totally stuck.
I sustained an injury from running but was given the all
clear to ride a bike. My bike shop informed me it would
be cheaper to buy a new bike than to repair my old one.
I applied for an interest free Trek credit card and was
approved. I researched local bike clubs and found one near
me. I never bought the new bike because of our financial
situation, I felt bad to buy something that expensive when
my husband who has lost 40 pounds hasn't even bought new
clothes for himself. I really wanted to get the bike because
I know I need to do cardio exercise and I really enjoy bike
riding.
My food choices aren't so bad, it's just I'm not working
out or losing any weight right now. I need to get back in
the swing of things but I'm totally overwhelmed with everything.
I don't like my job, the hours are insane. We love each
other very much but this is stressful for us. We're newlyweds
on top of everything else. I'm not exercising and don't
feel good about that. How can I gain control of my life?
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,
First,
how can you say you are stuck when you have put your mind
to losing weight and have lost 35 pounds and are well on
the way to reaching your goal? And with what you describe
as extremely challenging circumstances, it sounds to me
as if you are not giving yourself enough credit. Let's get
a more realistic view of the picture. Someone who has "stuck"
to a healthy eating regimen as you have, "stuck"
with weekly therapy sessions, and "stuck" with
a job she does not like because she needs to have an income
certainly deserves credit so please give yourself that.
You said you are "totally stuck." I disagree.
Can you see yourself as temporarily staying in a position
so you can support yourself and your husband during this
uncertain period? With your husband's work situation being
what it is, I agree with your decision that this is not
the best time for you to be out of work, looking for a new
job (but that does not mean you cannot begin to put feelers
out and tell friends you would be interested in changing
if something else were of interest.) Think of this job as
temporary and it will likely not be as burdensome for you.
Change takes time and energy. You don't have much of either
right now. Rather than seeing yourself as stuck, view this
as a temporary holding pattern…where you are helping
to financially hold your new family together (and then maybe
you can see that you are also holding yourself together.)
Regarding your physical exercise program, discuss with your
husband how he would feel if you were to buy a bike that
could help you to get in shape. Exercise is one of the most
effective ways to fight off depression and keeping yourself
fit will release the endorphins which are also called the
happy hormones, thus enhancing and elevating your mood.
Is there a YMCA or a community center near you or do you
have a friend who has a regular or a stationary bicycle
you can use? Maybe you can exchange something with that
friend for use of the bike. When you feel stuck you need
to think creatively, out of the box, to get your needs met
and to meet your goals.
Begin
to visualize yourself feeling better. Breathe and listen
to music that lifts your spirits, attend an inspirational
service or lecture. Without the ability to see yourself
in a different situation it is more difficult to create
that situation. You can motivate yourself to do things with
your husband (even if you have very little time together)
so you can still enjoy the fact that you are newlyweds.
Find out what is available to do in your town or city that
is free or costs very little money. Whether you are taking
a picnic to the park, reading together near a stream, attending
a free concert, or sitting together in a pew at a religious
service, you can connect.
First and foremost, your relationship with yourself and
with your new husband needs to be nurtured. Do something
every day that affirms your love and caring for yourself
and for him. Send him a note that says nothing about the
stressful elements in your life. Remind him why you love
him and how terrific you think he is and how much you appreciate
him and how hard he is working.
By focusing on these aspects of your relationship and making
the time and space to pay attention to them, your attitude
about being stuck and unmotivated will soon give way to
a more open and positive outlook. Good Luck.
Dale Atkins
dratkins@kathleendaelemans.com
Dr. Dale Atkins' latest book, I'm
OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of
Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works,
draws on twenty-five years of experience as a relationship
expert to present a comprehensive guide to repairing difficult
relationships, gaining control, and building a life that
you and your parents can live with for years to come.
Click
here for more info on I'm OK, You're My Parents
(Requires the free Acrobat
Reader; click the button below to download the Reader)
Other
books by Dr. Dale Atkins:
Sisters
From
the Heart: Men and Women Write Their Private Thoughts About
Their Married Lives
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