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Dr.
Dale Atkins,
I read with interest your article
on website this past month about changing your partner's
eating habits. I have a husband who is "perfectly"
healthy except he weighs about 300 pounds. He's a
chef. He samples the food he prepares for the banquets he
caters and he eats when he comes home. We've been
using smaller plates and plating our food from the kitchen
not from the dining room, yet he fills his plate two and
three times.
I couldn't get him to exercise if the house was on fire
and he had to run out to save his life. It's very,
very hard to keep my motivation up, when he brings me presents
of food... although, I have learned to say, "I'll eat
this later" and then dump it.
How do you get the husband to start taking care of himself?
You can't lead him to water and make him drink, I don't
believe that I have much control, except on what is served...
but portions are his responsibility. How do you get
them to realize that this is important and then get them
moving? Thanks for your suggestions and help.
CJ
Dear CJ,
The
issues you are dealing with regarding your husband's weight
are not easy (but you know that, right?) Your use of portion
control and using smaller plates is on target but the whole
idea of that is to limit the opportunity to have more food.
Your husband is not able to secure his cut off valve re:
portions and his returning to the kitchen to plate up again
kind of defeats the purpose. Why not make less food so there
is no opportunity for him to get more servings? Or make
more of the food that has fewer calories and more vitamins
and minerals?
You ask the most important question, "How do you get
the husband to start taking care of himself?" I question
whether he wants to take care of himself (in this case lose
weight.) I know you want him to, but does he? This is about
him, first, and you second.
He gives you "offers' (presents) of food which you
toss without his knowing. You may need to let him know that
you are not going to be able to accept these "gifts"
because the only way to be serious about what you are trying
to do for both of you is to be serious and not take the
food that is not good for you. Because he is a chef and
because he is "good at food" this is his way of
demonstrating to you and others that he is successful and
accomplished. There needs to be an equally compelling motivator
for him because the one he has is really successful. Health
is one motivator but from the sound of your e-mail, he is
"healthy." Whose assessment is that, by the way?
His or his doctor's? If he is so overweight and does not
exercise at all, I find it hard to believe he is that healthy.
Also, how old is he? Is there heart disease in his family?
Diabetes? High Blood Pressure?
I'm
a firm believer of the value of honesty. What would happen
if you sat with him (or better yet, took a walk) and shared
with him your fears about his health as well as your desires
for what you would like regarding your relationship. You
might share with him your hope and vision for the kind of
life you would like to share with him (notice I am not saying
on your own... he is very much a part of your fantasy) and
ask him what is he willing to do to make this happen? First
you must assess whether he shares your vision.
Why not talk to him about the possibility of working toward
a time when you would take an active vacation together some
day? Perhaps biking from town to town in someplace you've
always wanted to visit here in the U.S. or even in Italy
or France where you could have wonderful meals together
and exercise. You can also tell him you are not happy with
the role you seem to be in which is that of "food police."
This is not what you want to do. But you can ask him to
think about and talk with you about in what ways you can
be helpful to him if he wants to lose weight.
For most people for whom exercise is not a way of life,
the thought of beginning is really daunting. Does he have
a friend who would be willing to walk with him each day?
Getting into the habit is key. Beginning a routine could
be very helpful and with someone else, you are not "the
mother" reminding him to do what he needs to do.
Alternatively, you can say, if this is true, that you would
enjoy his company while you walk (a good time to talk alone)
and you could accomplish the goal of getting exercise yourself,
being with him, and he could begin to feel the difference
of changing his body. Good luck, CJ. Let me know how this
works out.
Sincerely,
Dale Atkins
dratkins@kathleendaelemans.com
Dr. Dale Atkins' latest book, I'm
OK, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of
Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works,
draws on twenty-five years of experience as a relationship
expert to present a comprehensive guide to repairing difficult
relationships, gaining control, and building a life that
you and your parents can live with for years to come.
Click
here for more info on I'm OK, You're My Parents
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Other
books by Dr. Dale Atkins:
Sisters
From
the Heart: Men and Women Write Their Private Thoughts About
Their Married Lives
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